he's a big kid now
My little brother is graduating from high school tomorrow. OK, so he is not my little brother because he is about a foot taller than I am and has experienced more hardships and adult situations than I had when I was his age. But to me, he is still 7 years old, which makes me 12. Sean worshipped the ground I walked on when we were kids. This is not to say we didn't have fights, but at that age we were seemingly inseperable. We fought against the strict rules of our parents together, sticking up for one another even when we knew the other was wrong. We shared the same friends... we neighborhood kids always played together and the group consisted of many children ranging in age. I was the leader of the pack, and unfortunately for me I usually took the blame for things that got us into trouble, but more often than not, we had a good time and we had such wild imaginations. I miss having that kind of imagination - I feel as if I have lost that by growing up....
... Part of me is beginning to see this in my brother. It's almost like he has plans but he has nothing to really strive for. He wants to make enough money to do well for himself and he wants to have a family someday but he doesn't seem to be doing anything to improve himself or to fulfill what dreams he may have. His plan of attack is always finding the easiest road to the biggest and quickest success. I guess I took the long way. Or did I? I have my undergraduate degree and will have completed my masters by the age of 23. I think that's a lot to accomplish in a short amount of time. But for Sean, he sees what I did as the long way. He sees things in the short term - he is going to be making more money than I am sooner, but to me I see what his plans are and I say, but that's just a job, its not a career. He can never be certain what the next day may bring. I think it will make him happy only for the short term. What I think he doesn't realize is exactly how few people like him actually get the chance to graduate from high school and to pursue a dream of their own. I don't think he realizes that his passion for working on cars might die with the frustrations of working at a job that requires no experience, training or education. Money only makes you happy for so long. I am not arguing that we all don't want to make a lot of money someday, but I feel I have compromised this a bit by deciding to become a teacher. I feel like getting the education has taught me more about myself as a learner, teacher and citizen of this country. Perhaps I have an idealized view because I have not gone out there and tried to make it on my own as a public school teacher. But I can promise myself right now that this will be a rewarding career for me regardless. When I walk out of my classroom, I get a rush, an feeling of almost being high. That's something you cannot guarantee yourself by just taking whatever job offers you the most money, or any money at all. I wish he was going to school just so he could experience it, and re-examine what his dreams are and to see that getting an education is worthwhile.
I am proud he has made it this far. For a while my parents and I were wondering if he was even going to graduate high school. I know he is proud of his achievements because he was babbling to me on the phone the other day about what he was going to wear and how dorky he looked in his cap and gown. (I told him at least he got to wear blue and not red like the girls have to.) So maybe he is in a phase, or maybe I am wrong and he will find true happiness down the road he follows. I just wish he saw as many open doors as I did when I was his age, and that he would regain his sense of wonder and imagination.