This is fantastic. I love the leitmotif of Jiyong being a fish out of water and how it is carried throughout the entire story. I love how you use metaphors of fish and water in unexpected but deeply affecting ways that are visceral and evocative in how they describe the emotions running through; metaphors are tricky things and often spin off into nowhere and don't sufficiently or exactly portray the emotion they are used to present, but yours are fresh and intelligent...and like I mentioned before, unexpected even as they are so fitting with the overarching thematic thread of a fish out of water.
These are my two favorites:
Instead, they float down and ping against his consciousness like fishing hooks in water.
Jiyong goes from one style to the next, coordi-noonas peeling the sweat slicked layers away like a fishmonger sloughing off scales, and then Jiyong is dancing, the mic light in his hand, pressed up to his mouth, and his mind is right there and he’s trying so hard to commit this all to memory, he wishes he had film slots up behind his eyes to catch every crying girl and every strobe and every bead of sweat that drips onto the stage and the cut of his hand through the air.
Lovely. Deep and quiet just like how Jiyong is in this story. I adore the quality of stillness, of suspended time and motion even as there is the frenetic manic action of the idol life whirling around him.
Lastly, I really enjoy your deft and subtle use of dialogue. I'm a whore for dialogue and usually I find that there's not enough of it in kpop fanfic, that there's too much telling when it could be shown through the dialogue between characters interacting. However, your sparse dialogue here really works; it's as much, if not more, of what Jiyong and Seunghyun don't say to each other as what they do.
Brava!*throws roses at your feet* Masterful work and what a great way to for me to have my introduction to Big Bang fanfic. Although, I'm afraid you shall spoil me for most any other Big Bang writer. ;)
oh gosh, this comment makes me so happy! i don't even know how to respond, haha.
i'm glad the metaphors didn't come off as over-the-top in this. i've had this piece on my hard drive for a long time; i didn't want to post it because i thought it came off as kind of... self-indulgent, i guess? with the lack of dialogue and everything, i felt like it would get boring easily or something like that. so i'm happy the little smattering of it actually did more good than bad in this case. and alkdgjalk, i wanted it to sort of come off as feeling like you're literally underwater, if that makes sense? like there are things going on but you're still separated from them, somehow, and things keep moving even though you're not. so to hear that you caught the same thing is like... yay! it kinda worked! :DDD
ahhh i'm really .////. right now! i'm honored this was the first big bang fic you read, really really. ;~;
Oh, I really love metaphors, but they have to be used carefully and with a great deal of skill on the part of the writer and you did both. I also love the idea of leitmotifs like this, of an overarching theme and element that carries throughout the story but in a non-obvious way.
Really, I am so impressed with your deft, accomplished hand in writing this. It really did evoke a sense of suspension in water -- there was like this feeling of floating and sinking all at once, but also a sense of stillness...of Jiyong almost paralyzed with indecision and by desires he didn't know how to express (or maybe even acknowledge) and just hanging there in the metaphorical water on the knife-edge between action and inaction. Ok, now I'm just babbling and not articulating myself very well, but yes, that was the feeling I got from Jiyong while reading the story. It kind of also reminded me of what the character of Luisa said in the film 'Y Tu Mama Tambien': "Life is like the surf, so give yourself away to the sea." IDK, I felt like Jiyong just needed to give himself away, accept love from Seunghyun and others, accept love from himself for himself.
See what an amazing job you did with this? You really made me think and about members of a band I don't actively follow or am fannish about. Thank you for writing this, I'm so glad it was my introduction to Big Bang fic because wow, what an introduction!*claps* :D
Oh! And I meant to respond to this:
i didn't want to post it because i thought it came off as kind of... self-indulgent, i guess? Self-indulgence is a perfectly good and desirable motivation for writing and posting a story, IMO. A writer needs to please herself or himself first, I think, and the audience will come (and if, by some inexplicable reason or circumstance, they don't, at least you have a story you really like, that you wrote for yourself!).
i do too! i don't know, i think there's something cool to them. i just like the way language works and turns of phrase and how words fit together. i don't know, i'm rambling. but thank you again!
i think what fascinates me about g-dragon, and most of big bang (and, well... i guess people in general?) is how multi-faceted he/they are. he's such a perfectionist and yet he can't wake himself up on time in the morning; gets embarrassed easily but then wears outfits and hairstyles that are like... what are you thinking? i think most of all he just needs to relax, and i had kind of been feeling the same type of stressful crunch in my own life so i decided to work through that a little bit? idk, maybe we're both just rambling to each other. i hope it's a nice kind of rambling :D
sigh, i just had to take a day or so to absorb before i replied, 'cause i was kind of just really :') and grateful that i evoked this kind of response in somebody. thank you for your thoughts, because it was really so nice to find them in my inbox and read them.
i need to keep that in mind, definitely, not just in fic but in ~daily writing life~. i hesitate a lot and i think taking the safe route can lead to stagnation and i don't want that. :( thank you for this as well. it's definitely something to think about!
sigh, i just had to take a day or so to absorb before i replied, 'cause i was kind of just really :') and grateful that i evoked this kind of response in somebody. thank you for your thoughts, because it was really so nice to find them in my inbox and read them. I'm glad you found my feedback of merit because I have a tendency to prattle on when I've read something I really like. You see, I hardly read any fanfic by my own choice; I have very specific and limited tastes and only read stuff that really calls out to me because I just don't have the time or the wherewithal to read a lot of fic since I'm usually using my spare time to work on my own writing or reading published novels. In summation, I'm a picky bitch -- I know what I like, I only read what I like, and I liked this very much. I look forward to seeing new works from you; bring it, sista, because I know you have the chops to for sure! :)
And yes, always always write what you want; I don't give a fuck about fandom or what appeals to fic readers, I write what I want to read, what I feel like writing, and if others want to read it and enjoy it that's great, but that's not the end goal. I've been fannish about several other things before kpop and if I've learned anything from that is that you can only truly and fully enjoy the fannish experience as it pertains to writing if you write what you want, not what your fandom wants. I think readers have a sixth sense for writing that's highly personal and they appreciate it more than other kinds of writing because it's like we, as readers, are being invited into your world and, judging from this, it's a rich and interesting world indeed. :D
oh, it definitely did! i've never really had an in-depth conversation about fic, either; just original stuff, so this was deifnitely a nice surprise. it made me think about a lot.
aljgk i hope i always write whatever i want to, from now on. and i'm happy you'll (hopefully!) stick around to keep reading it. :DD
These are my two favorites:
Instead, they float down and ping against his consciousness like fishing hooks in water.
Jiyong goes from one style to the next, coordi-noonas peeling the sweat slicked layers away like a fishmonger sloughing off scales, and then Jiyong is dancing, the mic light in his hand, pressed up to his mouth, and his mind is right there and he’s trying so hard to commit this all to memory, he wishes he had film slots up behind his eyes to catch every crying girl and every strobe and every bead of sweat that drips onto the stage and the cut of his hand through the air.
Lovely. Deep and quiet just like how Jiyong is in this story. I adore the quality of stillness, of suspended time and motion even as there is the frenetic manic action of the idol life whirling around him.
Lastly, I really enjoy your deft and subtle use of dialogue. I'm a whore for dialogue and usually I find that there's not enough of it in kpop fanfic, that there's too much telling when it could be shown through the dialogue between characters interacting. However, your sparse dialogue here really works; it's as much, if not more, of what Jiyong and Seunghyun don't say to each other as what they do.
Brava!*throws roses at your feet* Masterful work and what a great way to for me to have my introduction to Big Bang fanfic. Although, I'm afraid you shall spoil me for most any other Big Bang writer. ;)
Reply
i'm glad the metaphors didn't come off as over-the-top in this. i've had this piece on my hard drive for a long time; i didn't want to post it because i thought it came off as kind of... self-indulgent, i guess? with the lack of dialogue and everything, i felt like it would get boring easily or something like that. so i'm happy the little smattering of it actually did more good than bad in this case. and alkdgjalk, i wanted it to sort of come off as feeling like you're literally underwater, if that makes sense? like there are things going on but you're still separated from them, somehow, and things keep moving even though you're not. so to hear that you caught the same thing is like... yay! it kinda worked! :DDD
ahhh i'm really .////. right now! i'm honored this was the first big bang fic you read, really really. ;~;
Reply
Really, I am so impressed with your deft, accomplished hand in writing this. It really did evoke a sense of suspension in water -- there was like this feeling of floating and sinking all at once, but also a sense of stillness...of Jiyong almost paralyzed with indecision and by desires he didn't know how to express (or maybe even acknowledge) and just hanging there in the metaphorical water on the knife-edge between action and inaction. Ok, now I'm just babbling and not articulating myself very well, but yes, that was the feeling I got from Jiyong while reading the story. It kind of also reminded me of what the character of Luisa said in the film 'Y Tu Mama Tambien': "Life is like the surf, so give yourself away to the sea." IDK, I felt like Jiyong just needed to give himself away, accept love from Seunghyun and others, accept love from himself for himself.
See what an amazing job you did with this? You really made me think and about members of a band I don't actively follow or am fannish about. Thank you for writing this, I'm so glad it was my introduction to Big Bang fic because wow, what an introduction!*claps* :D
Oh! And I meant to respond to this:
i didn't want to post it because i thought it came off as kind of... self-indulgent, i guess?
Self-indulgence is a perfectly good and desirable motivation for writing and posting a story, IMO. A writer needs to please herself or himself first, I think, and the audience will come (and if, by some inexplicable reason or circumstance, they don't, at least you have a story you really like, that you wrote for yourself!).
Reply
i think what fascinates me about g-dragon, and most of big bang (and, well... i guess people in general?) is how multi-faceted he/they are. he's such a perfectionist and yet he can't wake himself up on time in the morning; gets embarrassed easily but then wears outfits and hairstyles that are like... what are you thinking? i think most of all he just needs to relax, and i had kind of been feeling the same type of stressful crunch in my own life so i decided to work through that a little bit? idk, maybe we're both just rambling to each other. i hope it's a nice kind of rambling :D
sigh, i just had to take a day or so to absorb before i replied, 'cause i was kind of just really :') and grateful that i evoked this kind of response in somebody. thank you for your thoughts, because it was really so nice to find them in my inbox and read them.
i need to keep that in mind, definitely, not just in fic but in ~daily writing life~. i hesitate a lot and i think taking the safe route can lead to stagnation and i don't want that. :( thank you for this as well. it's definitely something to think about!
Reply
I'm glad you found my feedback of merit because I have a tendency to prattle on when I've read something I really like. You see, I hardly read any fanfic by my own choice; I have very specific and limited tastes and only read stuff that really calls out to me because I just don't have the time or the wherewithal to read a lot of fic since I'm usually using my spare time to work on my own writing or reading published novels. In summation, I'm a picky bitch -- I know what I like, I only read what I like, and I liked this very much. I look forward to seeing new works from you; bring it, sista, because I know you have the chops to for sure! :)
And yes, always always write what you want; I don't give a fuck about fandom or what appeals to fic readers, I write what I want to read, what I feel like writing, and if others want to read it and enjoy it that's great, but that's not the end goal. I've been fannish about several other things before kpop and if I've learned anything from that is that you can only truly and fully enjoy the fannish experience as it pertains to writing if you write what you want, not what your fandom wants. I think readers have a sixth sense for writing that's highly personal and they appreciate it more than other kinds of writing because it's like we, as readers, are being invited into your world and, judging from this, it's a rich and interesting world indeed. :D
Reply
aljgk i hope i always write whatever i want to, from now on. and i'm happy you'll (hopefully!) stick around to keep reading it. :DD
Reply
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