Its the game of life
Wow, I have had quite a crazy ride in this game of life. I'm a walking medical miracle, there is no reason for my body to still be functioning after everything thing its been through. And the fact that I still have most of my mental faculties astounds me!
I finally have surrounded myself with good people in my life, some worms still pop up here and there, and most of you know I have this horrible soft spot for one in particular no matter what this person does to me but I have finally put my foot down, I won't let them walk all over me anymore and I won't put myself in harms way for them anymore either. Its time for this person to take responsibility for themselves.
Just recently I have realized how fortunate I really am, I have people who care about me but in particular there are a few who care probably more than they should and I kind of feel cold hearted when I can't return those feelings to them. But there is this one in particular who just makes my head spin, I can't stop blushing or smiling when this person texts me or calls me, and when I'm in their presence I feel like I have rudolph beat, only his nose glows, my whole face lights up lol. I can tell this person anything and I feel so comfortable around them. I was falling into a deep depression not that long ago and I have been pretty cynical on the whole point of life thing but now I feel like its all worth doing. Everything I have been through thus far was worth just a moment spent with this special someone :) In all honesty I'm so scared to let my guard down and let myself feel anything for this person but I find myself not being able to stop. I have been in love only three times in my life and each was to a varying degree. My first fiance, my "so called girlfriend" and my ex husband and with each of these people the relationships started the same, with my fear of being unworthy or being rejected. Any other relationship I have had I have always been in control and thats why this new person scares me. I have been friends with them for quite a few years and have always felt safe and comfortable with them but since we have started "seeing each other" recently I have felt like I have no control over anything that happens. Like our first date, I wanted to kiss him so badly but I kept stopping myself cause I didnt want to rush in or be "that girl" lol but by the end of the night I couldn't stop myself and I'm so glad I didn't because it was amazing! Just looking into his eyes makes my heart flutter.
Oh good god! I sound so pathetically girlie but I can't help it! I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this whole situation, do I dive in head first? Do I back off and put my guard up until I'm sure of things? Do I turn and run because I'm afraid of hurting them or myself and just spare myself the pain? Or do I just let go for the first time in a long time and just enjoy the moments we have together? Why do I have to over complicate things so much? Why can't I just accept it and be happy? Why do I expect so little of myself and have such low self esteem and self confidence? And why am I so afraid to be loved.....
I know what it is that I'm feeling for this person, I know where this feeling leads. I'm not afraid to let it go there, I'm afraid that the feeling might be reciprocated.... Maybe I'm jumping the gun, I probably am.... but then again.... Why am I so afraid?
I finally have surrounded myself with good people in my life, some worms still pop up here and there, and most of you know I have this horrible soft spot for one in particular no matter what this person does to me but I have finally put my foot down, I won't let them walk all over me anymore and I won't put myself in harms way for them anymore either. Its time for this person to take responsibility for themselves.
Just recently I have realized how fortunate I really am, I have people who care about me but in particular there are a few who care probably more than they should and I kind of feel cold hearted when I can't return those feelings to them. But there is this one in particular who just makes my head spin, I can't stop blushing or smiling when this person texts me or calls me, and when I'm in their presence I feel like I have rudolph beat, only his nose glows, my whole face lights up lol. I can tell this person anything and I feel so comfortable around them. I was falling into a deep depression not that long ago and I have been pretty cynical on the whole point of life thing but now I feel like its all worth doing. Everything I have been through thus far was worth just a moment spent with this special someone :) In all honesty I'm so scared to let my guard down and let myself feel anything for this person but I find myself not being able to stop. I have been in love only three times in my life and each was to a varying degree. My first fiance, my "so called girlfriend" and my ex husband and with each of these people the relationships started the same, with my fear of being unworthy or being rejected. Any other relationship I have had I have always been in control and thats why this new person scares me. I have been friends with them for quite a few years and have always felt safe and comfortable with them but since we have started "seeing each other" recently I have felt like I have no control over anything that happens. Like our first date, I wanted to kiss him so badly but I kept stopping myself cause I didnt want to rush in or be "that girl" lol but by the end of the night I couldn't stop myself and I'm so glad I didn't because it was amazing! Just looking into his eyes makes my heart flutter.
Oh good god! I sound so pathetically girlie but I can't help it! I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this whole situation, do I dive in head first? Do I back off and put my guard up until I'm sure of things? Do I turn and run because I'm afraid of hurting them or myself and just spare myself the pain? Or do I just let go for the first time in a long time and just enjoy the moments we have together? Why do I have to over complicate things so much? Why can't I just accept it and be happy? Why do I expect so little of myself and have such low self esteem and self confidence? And why am I so afraid to be loved.....
I know what it is that I'm feeling for this person, I know where this feeling leads. I'm not afraid to let it go there, I'm afraid that the feeling might be reciprocated.... Maybe I'm jumping the gun, I probably am.... but then again.... Why am I so afraid?