Dietician appointment 18/05/05
Hey everyone
I had my dietician appointment yesterday! It went well, but it was very....um.....don't think that there is a word to explain it?!?!
Anyway, first thing I told Rachael was about my fasting for the last couple of days. All she gave me was this serious look. It was a full on scary serious look though. And then she said that she didn't know if she was going to be able to help me. I have to admit, this scared the shit through me. When someone who works with people with eating disorders every day turns around to you and says "i don't think that I can help you anymore" it just scares the SHIT through you....where are you supposed to go. This is too hard to fight on my own!! As much as I don't want to get better....part of me obviously does. Then I explained that after a few comments made by friends during the week, I have started to be able to fight the voice....sometimes. LUCKILY, Rachael then turned around and said, "well thats excellent....then there is a little ray of hope." So that was a relief! Rachael did say though that she was never going to leave me stranded.
I don't know if I have said this in earlier entries, but Rachael was speaking to an ed specialist about me. The ed specialist said that there were 4 stages of an eating disorder:
1. Don't think that there is anything wrong and therefore doesn't do anything about it.
2. Doesn't know whether there is something wrong or not.
3. Knows that there is something wrong but doesn't really know what to do about it.
4. Knows there is something wrong and is doing something about it!
Rachael said that in March, I was at about stage 4. I had controlled the voice to the point that it disappeared, I was able to eat at least one meal a day with out feeling any ounce of guilt. I was actually moving forward in my fight!!!
BUT....
Now, according to Rachael...i'm at stage 1. The only difference being that I know that I have bulimia and I know that something is wrong. But what I am doing is just saying "meh....whatever, I don't care." I am accepting what is going on and not fighting it. I never ever realised this. I would have thought that I only went back one stage....BUT BACK TO THE BEGINNING!!! It's the scariest thing....and considering i'm WORSE than before...
I would have to say that THAT was the thing that freaked me out the most yesterday. I have been working my arse off to get better. It takes up so much time, energy, motivation of EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! You just don't understand. Whenever I am around food, or it is time to eat something, I freak out. "It's going to make me fat. I can't eat that. It will destroy me. If I eat that then I will never be able to stop. I will be fucked if I eat that...." Having to deal with that not only when I eat, but every single FUCKING day is absolutely exhausting. My body becomes fucked just because I use up so much of my energy on fighting that everyday. I become exhausted, pale, tired, cold, shakey....fucked in other words!
Just for everyone to know....right now, i'm binging. I've just eaten two piece of toast with peanut butter, i'm now eating cereal DROWNING in sugar....i'll be going onto biscuits in a minute and then throwing the whole lot up. Fast is over.....obviously! Well, I went for 2 and a half days......that ok?!?!
I'll be back....finished binging now.....what comes next is your guess!!
Yes, I purged......bleh! Tastes disgusting!!
Going on with my appointment yesterday. We worked out a goal sheet for the next two weeks. My goals are:
1. Try to eat AT LEAST one meal a day, no matter how small it is, without vomiting after it.
2. Try and visualise the voice as a four year old little brat, rather than myself.
I'll explain number two. Usually, when I have to visualise the voice in my head as an actual person, it is either something really small and annoying, or a very dominating SCARY figure (think Miss Trunchball from Matilda....). Then it diasappered. When it returned, it wasn't really strong enough for me to actually visualise it as anything, but as it became stronger, you wouldn't believe who I started to see it as. Not an annoying little thing. Not a dominating figure. But as myself. I saw myself telling myself (you lost yet) that what I was doing was wrong. That I was fat. That I was hopeless and should just give in. And I think that THAT is the reason that I gave in. That it wasn't someone else telling me what to do. I was telling myself what to do. So to me, I wasn't giving into anyone else, I was just changing....that was all! But Rachael has told me that I need to see the voice as a four year old little shit from the Super Nanny. Would I, or anyone for that matter let a four year old SHIT tell you that you're fat, or that you don't deserve food, or that you're worthless and hopeless? What would you do to them if they said that to you?
My answer: KICK THEM IN THE FUCKING HEAD AND TELL THEM TO GET LOST!!!
But the thing is, it isn't that easy. It isn't as easy as pie to just visualise something like that as a little brat. I mean, sometimes I will be able to do it....but...oh I dunno. But I have to tick off when I can do that.
I now look at it, and yes. It was someone else. But at the moment, I am no where near prepared to put up a fight. I can't be fagged. The voice is telling me that I will be so much happier if I just give in. I'm happy in a way because I don't have to fight it all the time because it isn't as argumentative because I just live with it. I agree with it. But then Rachael said to me "But are you happier?" No....no i'm not. It hasn't made any FUCKING difference. I HATE IT SO MUCH!! Yet it's the only thing not lying to me....what?!?! I'm just confusing myself. Rachael then says to me "Just think of what it will be like if you fight it and get over it. You will have a life back. You will be happier." True.....but getting there is so hard. It took my 5 months to do it last time. 5 months and the voice disappeared. I am now WORSE than before. And I can't be fagged to fight anymore. As Rachael said to me, this is going to take at least another 5 months.....ANOTHER 5 MONTHS!!! Am i prepared for that? Am I that desperate to get better? My problem....i'm a lazy bastard!! Am I prepared to keep up this ongoing fight? Thing is, I know that I will NEVER truely be over it. When you have an eating disorder, you never get over it, but you learn to control it. So my reasoning, I may as well keep going. I may as well give up. If I am never going to completely be over this, then why keep fighting for something that will NEVER happen? I'm fighting a pointless war.
After my appointment yesterday, I have done A LOT of thinking! I have decided some things....
I want to get better.....(still considering that one)
I am going to try and fight the voice and visualise it as that little shit.
Basically....I AM GOING TO TRY THIS!!!
Already I am a failure though. Binged and purged this morning. It's when I do things like that that make me think, why bother. But I am.....I don't like the thought of being back at square one and having to work my arse of to get back to stage 4. Part of me is considering defering my course so that I can really work and base all of time on getting through this and then return next year. Thats how serious this is. I can't handle uni and bulimia at once....they take up too much time! But i'll see....get through semester one first....then make my decision....
I don't know whether I am truely ready to fight, whether I am truely ready to change or anything........
"I do not understand my own actions for I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate."
~Saint Paul
Take care everyone...
I had my dietician appointment yesterday! It went well, but it was very....um.....don't think that there is a word to explain it?!?!
Anyway, first thing I told Rachael was about my fasting for the last couple of days. All she gave me was this serious look. It was a full on scary serious look though. And then she said that she didn't know if she was going to be able to help me. I have to admit, this scared the shit through me. When someone who works with people with eating disorders every day turns around to you and says "i don't think that I can help you anymore" it just scares the SHIT through you....where are you supposed to go. This is too hard to fight on my own!! As much as I don't want to get better....part of me obviously does. Then I explained that after a few comments made by friends during the week, I have started to be able to fight the voice....sometimes. LUCKILY, Rachael then turned around and said, "well thats excellent....then there is a little ray of hope." So that was a relief! Rachael did say though that she was never going to leave me stranded.
I don't know if I have said this in earlier entries, but Rachael was speaking to an ed specialist about me. The ed specialist said that there were 4 stages of an eating disorder:
1. Don't think that there is anything wrong and therefore doesn't do anything about it.
2. Doesn't know whether there is something wrong or not.
3. Knows that there is something wrong but doesn't really know what to do about it.
4. Knows there is something wrong and is doing something about it!
Rachael said that in March, I was at about stage 4. I had controlled the voice to the point that it disappeared, I was able to eat at least one meal a day with out feeling any ounce of guilt. I was actually moving forward in my fight!!!
BUT....
Now, according to Rachael...i'm at stage 1. The only difference being that I know that I have bulimia and I know that something is wrong. But what I am doing is just saying "meh....whatever, I don't care." I am accepting what is going on and not fighting it. I never ever realised this. I would have thought that I only went back one stage....BUT BACK TO THE BEGINNING!!! It's the scariest thing....and considering i'm WORSE than before...
I would have to say that THAT was the thing that freaked me out the most yesterday. I have been working my arse off to get better. It takes up so much time, energy, motivation of EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! You just don't understand. Whenever I am around food, or it is time to eat something, I freak out. "It's going to make me fat. I can't eat that. It will destroy me. If I eat that then I will never be able to stop. I will be fucked if I eat that...." Having to deal with that not only when I eat, but every single FUCKING day is absolutely exhausting. My body becomes fucked just because I use up so much of my energy on fighting that everyday. I become exhausted, pale, tired, cold, shakey....fucked in other words!
Just for everyone to know....right now, i'm binging. I've just eaten two piece of toast with peanut butter, i'm now eating cereal DROWNING in sugar....i'll be going onto biscuits in a minute and then throwing the whole lot up. Fast is over.....obviously! Well, I went for 2 and a half days......that ok?!?!
I'll be back....finished binging now.....what comes next is your guess!!
Yes, I purged......bleh! Tastes disgusting!!
Going on with my appointment yesterday. We worked out a goal sheet for the next two weeks. My goals are:
1. Try to eat AT LEAST one meal a day, no matter how small it is, without vomiting after it.
2. Try and visualise the voice as a four year old little brat, rather than myself.
I'll explain number two. Usually, when I have to visualise the voice in my head as an actual person, it is either something really small and annoying, or a very dominating SCARY figure (think Miss Trunchball from Matilda....). Then it diasappered. When it returned, it wasn't really strong enough for me to actually visualise it as anything, but as it became stronger, you wouldn't believe who I started to see it as. Not an annoying little thing. Not a dominating figure. But as myself. I saw myself telling myself (you lost yet) that what I was doing was wrong. That I was fat. That I was hopeless and should just give in. And I think that THAT is the reason that I gave in. That it wasn't someone else telling me what to do. I was telling myself what to do. So to me, I wasn't giving into anyone else, I was just changing....that was all! But Rachael has told me that I need to see the voice as a four year old little shit from the Super Nanny. Would I, or anyone for that matter let a four year old SHIT tell you that you're fat, or that you don't deserve food, or that you're worthless and hopeless? What would you do to them if they said that to you?
My answer: KICK THEM IN THE FUCKING HEAD AND TELL THEM TO GET LOST!!!
But the thing is, it isn't that easy. It isn't as easy as pie to just visualise something like that as a little brat. I mean, sometimes I will be able to do it....but...oh I dunno. But I have to tick off when I can do that.
I now look at it, and yes. It was someone else. But at the moment, I am no where near prepared to put up a fight. I can't be fagged. The voice is telling me that I will be so much happier if I just give in. I'm happy in a way because I don't have to fight it all the time because it isn't as argumentative because I just live with it. I agree with it. But then Rachael said to me "But are you happier?" No....no i'm not. It hasn't made any FUCKING difference. I HATE IT SO MUCH!! Yet it's the only thing not lying to me....what?!?! I'm just confusing myself. Rachael then says to me "Just think of what it will be like if you fight it and get over it. You will have a life back. You will be happier." True.....but getting there is so hard. It took my 5 months to do it last time. 5 months and the voice disappeared. I am now WORSE than before. And I can't be fagged to fight anymore. As Rachael said to me, this is going to take at least another 5 months.....ANOTHER 5 MONTHS!!! Am i prepared for that? Am I that desperate to get better? My problem....i'm a lazy bastard!! Am I prepared to keep up this ongoing fight? Thing is, I know that I will NEVER truely be over it. When you have an eating disorder, you never get over it, but you learn to control it. So my reasoning, I may as well keep going. I may as well give up. If I am never going to completely be over this, then why keep fighting for something that will NEVER happen? I'm fighting a pointless war.
After my appointment yesterday, I have done A LOT of thinking! I have decided some things....
I want to get better.....(still considering that one)
I am going to try and fight the voice and visualise it as that little shit.
Basically....I AM GOING TO TRY THIS!!!
Already I am a failure though. Binged and purged this morning. It's when I do things like that that make me think, why bother. But I am.....I don't like the thought of being back at square one and having to work my arse of to get back to stage 4. Part of me is considering defering my course so that I can really work and base all of time on getting through this and then return next year. Thats how serious this is. I can't handle uni and bulimia at once....they take up too much time! But i'll see....get through semester one first....then make my decision....
I don't know whether I am truely ready to fight, whether I am truely ready to change or anything........
"I do not understand my own actions for I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate."
~Saint Paul
Take care everyone...