Good Morning.....
HAPPY MAY EVERYONE!!!!
Yeah, I know. It's kinda late, but I just got home from my mates party and i'm still kinda awake, so i'll tell you about my day.
Had dancing this morning (had to watch out for my manky, blue toe) then I had my job interview at Target which went well!! Hopefully I can get some dosh rolling in!! Then i bought a pair of $5 pants from Giordano (YAY TO $5 PANTS) which are just for me to bum around in. They were a medium...so I was happy :) Then I had my chat to mum. To start, the place that we had 'coffee' (me and my mum dont drink coffee, so we had hot chocolate) is where my best friend from primary schoo (Sally) works, so we had a chat to her for a while. It was really weird to see how much we have both changed, considering I haven't seen her in like 5 years!! Anyway, then me and mum started chatting. It started like this.....Mum asking me "Are you alright?" and then it went from there. I told her as much as I wanted to and answered any of her questions. I said to her that she was allowed to talk to my dietician and that she should come into one of my appointments one day. Mum's reaction was very different to what I expected. As you guys all know, I was really worried on what the aftermath was going to be like after I told her....what her reaction was going to be....who she was going to tell, etc. Well, it wasn't actually as bad as I made it out to be!! She said to me afterwards that I need to remember that she is always there for me to chat to and that she will support me in everything. She said that she wasn't going to interfere in any of whats going on because she knows that it is all part of the process of getting better (if thats what I really want?!). I still feel that I am being watched when I eat though. Although mum said to me that she wasn't going to do that, she was at dinner tonight, which really did shit me. She knew that I was finding it hard to eat dinner, and I still didn't AND i didn't throw it up.....but it just shit me that she kept watching me. I suppose that I will have to get over it. I spoke to her about the whole clinic thing aswell, which she was very supportive of, although I am shit scared of!!!
Overall, I must admit that I am relieved that it went really well. Thank you SO much to everyone that prayed for me. I know that God was with me when I was telling mum. I am relieved that the reaction wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, and I am relieved that I have told her. I am more relaxed because I don't have to stress about her not knowing. I mean, i'm still nervous about my dad knowing, but i'm sure he'll get over it. Mum and I both know that he will find it very hard to come to terms with and that he will probably go into denial. But then he will also be very supportive of me!! As you can see, I am trying to be optimistic about pretty much EVERYTHING at the moment, because I am so scared about the future!!
I am pretty shitty though because I was looking in the mirror today and I am getting fatter. I know that i'm not eating hardly anything, but obviously me saying that I am going to gain a kilo for everything that I eat is obviously true!! Because I can see the weight there and it's disgusting and I hate it. I hate my body. It's such a FAT piece of worthless shit. I wish that I could cut off all the parts of it that I didn't want....so that I could make the perfect body. Problem is, because of my perfectionism, I would probably cut of everything, because nothing on me is perfect. Everything on me is FAT and I hate it. I have to stop eating all together. I mean, fast like I have never fasted before, because I am sick of the fat. And I am sick of myself. I just won't listen to my rational thought anymore. It's a load of crap anyway that sits there and tells me that everything that I am doing is wrong. Well, if it was wrong, then why am I still losing weight?!?! And gaining it for that matter?!?! I was losing weight when I didn't eat at all...therefore, problem solved....DON'T FUCKING EAT YOU FAT PIG BECAUSE NOT ONLY DO YOU NOT DESERVE IT BUT YOU WILL BECOME THE FATEST PERSON ALIVE IF YOU KEEP EATING AND THEN YOU WILL HATE YOUR BODY EVEN MORE!!!!! Mmmm...sorry :(
Anyway....so many mixed emotions. I really just want to find out whats going on with this clinic thing, because thats whats upsetting me the most. I'm speaking to Kirsten tomorrow. I can tell her that I told mum...HORRAY!!! I know that she'll be happy, considering she was the person that I was doing it for.
Love you all. Got to go due to lack of sleep and I am in desperate need of it.
Lots of love,
JULZ xoxo
Yeah, I know. It's kinda late, but I just got home from my mates party and i'm still kinda awake, so i'll tell you about my day.
Had dancing this morning (had to watch out for my manky, blue toe) then I had my job interview at Target which went well!! Hopefully I can get some dosh rolling in!! Then i bought a pair of $5 pants from Giordano (YAY TO $5 PANTS) which are just for me to bum around in. They were a medium...so I was happy :) Then I had my chat to mum. To start, the place that we had 'coffee' (me and my mum dont drink coffee, so we had hot chocolate) is where my best friend from primary schoo (Sally) works, so we had a chat to her for a while. It was really weird to see how much we have both changed, considering I haven't seen her in like 5 years!! Anyway, then me and mum started chatting. It started like this.....Mum asking me "Are you alright?" and then it went from there. I told her as much as I wanted to and answered any of her questions. I said to her that she was allowed to talk to my dietician and that she should come into one of my appointments one day. Mum's reaction was very different to what I expected. As you guys all know, I was really worried on what the aftermath was going to be like after I told her....what her reaction was going to be....who she was going to tell, etc. Well, it wasn't actually as bad as I made it out to be!! She said to me afterwards that I need to remember that she is always there for me to chat to and that she will support me in everything. She said that she wasn't going to interfere in any of whats going on because she knows that it is all part of the process of getting better (if thats what I really want?!). I still feel that I am being watched when I eat though. Although mum said to me that she wasn't going to do that, she was at dinner tonight, which really did shit me. She knew that I was finding it hard to eat dinner, and I still didn't AND i didn't throw it up.....but it just shit me that she kept watching me. I suppose that I will have to get over it. I spoke to her about the whole clinic thing aswell, which she was very supportive of, although I am shit scared of!!!
Overall, I must admit that I am relieved that it went really well. Thank you SO much to everyone that prayed for me. I know that God was with me when I was telling mum. I am relieved that the reaction wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, and I am relieved that I have told her. I am more relaxed because I don't have to stress about her not knowing. I mean, i'm still nervous about my dad knowing, but i'm sure he'll get over it. Mum and I both know that he will find it very hard to come to terms with and that he will probably go into denial. But then he will also be very supportive of me!! As you can see, I am trying to be optimistic about pretty much EVERYTHING at the moment, because I am so scared about the future!!
I am pretty shitty though because I was looking in the mirror today and I am getting fatter. I know that i'm not eating hardly anything, but obviously me saying that I am going to gain a kilo for everything that I eat is obviously true!! Because I can see the weight there and it's disgusting and I hate it. I hate my body. It's such a FAT piece of worthless shit. I wish that I could cut off all the parts of it that I didn't want....so that I could make the perfect body. Problem is, because of my perfectionism, I would probably cut of everything, because nothing on me is perfect. Everything on me is FAT and I hate it. I have to stop eating all together. I mean, fast like I have never fasted before, because I am sick of the fat. And I am sick of myself. I just won't listen to my rational thought anymore. It's a load of crap anyway that sits there and tells me that everything that I am doing is wrong. Well, if it was wrong, then why am I still losing weight?!?! And gaining it for that matter?!?! I was losing weight when I didn't eat at all...therefore, problem solved....DON'T FUCKING EAT YOU FAT PIG BECAUSE NOT ONLY DO YOU NOT DESERVE IT BUT YOU WILL BECOME THE FATEST PERSON ALIVE IF YOU KEEP EATING AND THEN YOU WILL HATE YOUR BODY EVEN MORE!!!!! Mmmm...sorry :(
Anyway....so many mixed emotions. I really just want to find out whats going on with this clinic thing, because thats whats upsetting me the most. I'm speaking to Kirsten tomorrow. I can tell her that I told mum...HORRAY!!! I know that she'll be happy, considering she was the person that I was doing it for.
Love you all. Got to go due to lack of sleep and I am in desperate need of it.
Lots of love,
JULZ xoxo