(no subject)
Mel is telling me to write in here to keep me occupied. I want to purge...but I am trying to fight it. A big part of me doesn't think I can make it through tonight. If it gets bad (which I am scared...because it's getting that bad) she is going to be calling the ambulance. I am so scared. I said to her that I don't want to go and that it's not that bad. I don't see what I am doing as a problem. It's not killing me. It's not that bad. "Juliet. It is that bad. And if it gets worse tonight, then I want you to message me and I will call you and then call the ambulance." I want to be sick. This is stupid.
I don't ever want to talk to my parents again. They don't know everything, but they know enough. And just because I wanted to go and get the sleeping tablets by myself (Dad wanted to come with me and I said no) he isn't talking to me. YEAH THAT'S GOING TO FUCKING HELP THE SITUATION ISN'T IT?!?!
You all must think that "oh Juliet is crying for attention." BULLSHIT! I could hardly concentrate at work today and at one point Melinda wanted me out of there. I am barely making it through each day. And what's worse is that no one knows what's truly going on. I am too afraid to tell you. I don't want anyone to know. Anyway, it's not that bad.
My heart is beating so fast. The anxiety is insane. Part of me wants to go to hospital right now. To get away from myself. I'm hardly even safe to drive. I have to sit on one of my hands when I reach 5th gear, so that I'm not a hazard to myself. WHY DOES HE DO THAT?! WHY IS HE SO AWKWARD?!?! WHY DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS GETTING TO ME!?!?! He just goes on his merry FUCKING way and doesn't talk to me. I don't know if I can make it through tonight. Imagine what I say to my parents though? "Um yeah, hi i'm going to hospital." Why am I so afraid. I wish I could leave my house and they didn't care. I wish that I didn't live at home. The anxiety is getting worse right now. Someone help me please. I don't want to message Melinda...but I don't know what else to do. I'm not breathing properly...I keep fidgeting...my jaw hurts from clenching it...
Someone help me please. Because I am not winning. Eating disorder and anxiety go hand in hand...they're best buds as Melinda said last night. I don't want to be here right now, I truly don't.
I don't ever want to talk to my parents again. They don't know everything, but they know enough. And just because I wanted to go and get the sleeping tablets by myself (Dad wanted to come with me and I said no) he isn't talking to me. YEAH THAT'S GOING TO FUCKING HELP THE SITUATION ISN'T IT?!?!
You all must think that "oh Juliet is crying for attention." BULLSHIT! I could hardly concentrate at work today and at one point Melinda wanted me out of there. I am barely making it through each day. And what's worse is that no one knows what's truly going on. I am too afraid to tell you. I don't want anyone to know. Anyway, it's not that bad.
My heart is beating so fast. The anxiety is insane. Part of me wants to go to hospital right now. To get away from myself. I'm hardly even safe to drive. I have to sit on one of my hands when I reach 5th gear, so that I'm not a hazard to myself. WHY DOES HE DO THAT?! WHY IS HE SO AWKWARD?!?! WHY DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS GETTING TO ME!?!?! He just goes on his merry FUCKING way and doesn't talk to me. I don't know if I can make it through tonight. Imagine what I say to my parents though? "Um yeah, hi i'm going to hospital." Why am I so afraid. I wish I could leave my house and they didn't care. I wish that I didn't live at home. The anxiety is getting worse right now. Someone help me please. I don't want to message Melinda...but I don't know what else to do. I'm not breathing properly...I keep fidgeting...my jaw hurts from clenching it...
Someone help me please. Because I am not winning. Eating disorder and anxiety go hand in hand...they're best buds as Melinda said last night. I don't want to be here right now, I truly don't.