k so glad to know that you all care
seriously.
i haven't lost my mind.
why does it seem like every one all of a sudden thinks that i'm "throwing it all away."
i know that i am immature.
i know that i am "smarter than my actions."
i also know that every decision i make is going to have both positive and negative consequences.
let me assure you all that i am aware of and willing to take on the consequences of all of my actions and decisions.
if i ever go back on that... point it out to me and i'll suck it up.
on another note, what is all of this about throwing my life away.
get in your heads. i don't believe its possible for me to ruin my life.
as long as i wake up in the morning and there is air in my lungs - as long as i have life, i haven't screwed anything up.
i know that i seem shady - because i am
i know that i hurt people too often by saying i will do things, and then never doing them. its a weakness and i'm sorry.
i don't know how to tell people that sometimes my priorities aren't responsible, aren't logical, aren't... what you want to hear. i find it almost impossible to tell people things they won't want to hear - especially when the reaction i always expect when i feel the urge to say the word "no" is a deep sigh of dissappointment.
i disappoint because i fear disappointing.
i'm sorry. really.
i don't know how to change how i treat those that are close to me - those that care about me, when some of the changes i have to make for me to be this person i'm finally completely excited to become, i have to do things that some of you aren't going to agree with.
but isn't that why this is my life??
i recognize that the reasons i'm unhappy in tuscaloosa are largely that i don't want to be happy there, largely that i don't do anything to promote my success there, and mostly that the people that make me feel wanted and important aren't there.
so yeah. i'm the last person who should say that people should be more important in the long run than school and learning to be responsible and mature. - i guess i haven't met people i care about this much before.
truth hurts sometimes.
i want to finish school. i'm not planning on quitting.
i'm not on any addictive chemical drugs.
i'm not a feind i promise... i binge yes and its probably got some less than attractive long term consequences.
i'm not moving anywhere unless i can sublet my room. i knew that when i signed the lease and i know that now.
I talk about things, ideas. Things I'd like to do, ways I'd like to run away. I complain about things instead of acting and making changes.
The Jeremy idea was an opportunity that seemed clear to me... but I guess thats because I trust my friends. I guess thats because i've forgotten what its like to try and please people. Because I quit trying and kept talking like I had always talked.
It was an opportunity for me to feel wanted, for me to try and be on my own, for me to learn how to be an adult with people I trust and can count on.
when i say i want to do things, don't take them to heart too quickly. i move slowly. I make decisions slowly. I wait for permission, truth be told.
quit worrying about me please. it just makes me feel handicapped.
tell me please, have i reached a point where you don't think i can take care of myself in a way that is adequate in your minds in our society?
please tell me if i have lost touch with the reality that my beliefs aren't always accepted in our society and that i can't act certain ways in certain places.
i shouldn't have to hide who i am and what i like from my friends and family.
i'm going to keep doing what i think is right for me. i trust myself and my instincts and i'm going to go with them for once.
we all make judgements and worry and wonder what goes on in peoples minds, we wonder how bad things get, how extreme, we wonder how people can do certain things or act certain ways... but it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter as long as at the end of the night we are content with who we are.
i am more content with who i am right now than i have been at any other point in my entire life.
i got lost in some really bright headlights for a while, i froze and didn't react and retreated and ran away and now i'm running away again, only this time its not so i can finally see who i am and accept it... its so i can BE who am and be accepted.
please. please. please. please. please. please. please. accept me?