(no subject)
So.. I need to write about my feelings. I need to get every single one out....
I was sitting in my english class, 1st hour. I have a few friends who are really nice in that class but all i wanted to do was.. hurt someone or myself. I couldn't stand my teacher talking anymore. I couldn't stand people talking around me. I couldn't stand being closed in a class room. All I wanted to do was leave... badly. I was like swearing at everyone in my mind.. i just wanted everyone to go the fuck away! I was so close to just screaming or going off. And if my stupid teacher were to have picked on me for not paying attention, I would've inmy own special way. So I sat debating whether or not I should just leave after first hour.. go to my car and go home. or. not home. I didn't care.But ofcourse.. i'm a coward so I didn't. I just went with the rest of the herd to the next class.
Later that day I was in History.. watching a movie but not. i was totally aware of everyone and everything around me.. yet I felt totally detached. Like i was on auto-pilot, staring at my goldish orange packet. My face was in that set expression where the tears were waiting for the trigger... but I didn't let it come. I wasn't about to cry in school. I tried to thinkof someone for comfort.. anyone i could think about hugging.. but there was no one. Taht was nearly enough to bring the tears but nope. i was strong. Ikept talking to myself in my head.. saying "Why am i here? What purpose do i have.. cause i really don't see one. I don't feel like i'm needed or wanted by my family, friends.. whatever. Ijust... don't fit. I don't know where or who to go to. No one will listen to me. I've screamed at people. Cried to people... but they say it's for attention. Well maybe it is but I'm very close to the edge. The only thing I don't have is the energy and motivation to go further. That's a scarey thought.. but its true.
My life doesn't suck.. I know my mom loves me.. but I don't FEEL the love.. i don't feel love or happiness at all from everyone. People say they love me but it feels surface.. like I know the words are true but I can't FEEL them... Maybe it's my fault.. most things in my life are.. it is MY life. but I dunno how to change it. I want too.. I just don't know how or i don't have the will. I don't know. but all I know is I'm getting too tired of this all. No one will help me. No one will listen to me. So.. I will help myself the only way I know how... which i'm not sure is any good.. I've been trying for such a long time but.. i always wind up back here. So.. I don't blame anyone for thinking I'm being dumb, dramatic, whatever.. alright. I'm done...
and I'm sorry to everyone i've been difficult with.. I won't anymore.
I was sitting in my english class, 1st hour. I have a few friends who are really nice in that class but all i wanted to do was.. hurt someone or myself. I couldn't stand my teacher talking anymore. I couldn't stand people talking around me. I couldn't stand being closed in a class room. All I wanted to do was leave... badly. I was like swearing at everyone in my mind.. i just wanted everyone to go the fuck away! I was so close to just screaming or going off. And if my stupid teacher were to have picked on me for not paying attention, I would've inmy own special way. So I sat debating whether or not I should just leave after first hour.. go to my car and go home. or. not home. I didn't care.But ofcourse.. i'm a coward so I didn't. I just went with the rest of the herd to the next class.
Later that day I was in History.. watching a movie but not. i was totally aware of everyone and everything around me.. yet I felt totally detached. Like i was on auto-pilot, staring at my goldish orange packet. My face was in that set expression where the tears were waiting for the trigger... but I didn't let it come. I wasn't about to cry in school. I tried to thinkof someone for comfort.. anyone i could think about hugging.. but there was no one. Taht was nearly enough to bring the tears but nope. i was strong. Ikept talking to myself in my head.. saying "Why am i here? What purpose do i have.. cause i really don't see one. I don't feel like i'm needed or wanted by my family, friends.. whatever. Ijust... don't fit. I don't know where or who to go to. No one will listen to me. I've screamed at people. Cried to people... but they say it's for attention. Well maybe it is but I'm very close to the edge. The only thing I don't have is the energy and motivation to go further. That's a scarey thought.. but its true.
My life doesn't suck.. I know my mom loves me.. but I don't FEEL the love.. i don't feel love or happiness at all from everyone. People say they love me but it feels surface.. like I know the words are true but I can't FEEL them... Maybe it's my fault.. most things in my life are.. it is MY life. but I dunno how to change it. I want too.. I just don't know how or i don't have the will. I don't know. but all I know is I'm getting too tired of this all. No one will help me. No one will listen to me. So.. I will help myself the only way I know how... which i'm not sure is any good.. I've been trying for such a long time but.. i always wind up back here. So.. I don't blame anyone for thinking I'm being dumb, dramatic, whatever.. alright. I'm done...
and I'm sorry to everyone i've been difficult with.. I won't anymore.