Times They Are A Changin'
For those of you who still read this and didn't know already, I applied to a bunch of grad programs and am slowly hearing back from them. I got into Penn State which is an incredible school/program, especially for what it is that I am going into. I'll start hearing from some other schools pretty quickly and with any luck I will be getting some more good news.
I have to admit that I am a little stressed out. Grad school was always this fantasy. We all have those things we talk about in theory and this was mine. Having it become a real option is terribly exciting, but very intimidating at the same time. Most of the schools that I applied to are out of state. I think a huge change like that could do me some good. I am all about education and experiences and though I absolutely love California, I've lived here my whole life. Moving to Santa Barbara was a good first step, but I think I need to get out there and see a bit more.
This is definitely the first time that I have felt like an adult. I mean, REALLY like an adult. I have been fairly independent for some time, but now I have a full time job, support myself, got into grad school, am researching how to finance it. I stopped the other day and was like, Oh... so this is what it's like to be a grown up. The independence is fulfilling, but the uncertainty is overwhelming sometimes. There is something liberating about knowing that you can drop your life and do something else. That feeling of liberation is also met with sadness. I could accept Penn State right now, move there in 2 months and start over anew there and it would be fine. I would be leaving everything here behind and though I could, it hurts a bit. I left Tracy and never really looked back, which was probably a good thing at the time, but I still think about all of the people I know that didn't go too far or have returned. They have that built in community that has been there pretty much since high school. I don't have that. It was my choice and I feel that I am better for it since I wasn't in a good way up there, but I do play the "what if" game from time to time.
I have a hard time picturing myself as this professional academic. I always wanted that, but never REALLY saw it for myself. I never thought of myself as overly intelligent or academically capable of such a career. Over the past several years I have had some pretty amazing cheerleaders pushing me along, but I still have a hard time accepting or admitting that I belong there. When I got into Penn State, I called my brother and through tears I said something like, "This is AWESOME! I'm really overwhelmed because I never saw this for myself." He responded, "Cath, I know. I am so thrilled for this next step because now you can see yourself the way I always have." I don't know how he ALWAYS knows what to say to make me lose my shit, but he does. Honestly, him believing in me is probably the best compliment I could ever receive. He is who I look up to most in terms of educational prowess and success. He had a Masters degree by the age of 23 and is a year and a half away from his Ph.D. He's just a stellar human being.
On a side note. The new Circa Survive album came out last Tuesday and I've listened to it on repeat since then... actually before then because they had it streaming, but now that it's on my iPod, it's NONSTOP. I love my friends down here. I mean, unconditionally love them. However, I don't have anyoen that will partake in some of the more "rock" or "harder" music. This album isn't even that loud. "Get Out" is kind of loud, but that is the loudest song on the album. The new Coheed album came out two weeks ago and no one here likes them. I tried listening to Emery the other day and that was a huge no go. I miss people like Courtney because we could put on Copeland and then The Used and it wouldn't even matter.
Trip up north in a few weeks. If you got to the end of this and are reading this then plan on hanging out when I get up there.
I have to admit that I am a little stressed out. Grad school was always this fantasy. We all have those things we talk about in theory and this was mine. Having it become a real option is terribly exciting, but very intimidating at the same time. Most of the schools that I applied to are out of state. I think a huge change like that could do me some good. I am all about education and experiences and though I absolutely love California, I've lived here my whole life. Moving to Santa Barbara was a good first step, but I think I need to get out there and see a bit more.
This is definitely the first time that I have felt like an adult. I mean, REALLY like an adult. I have been fairly independent for some time, but now I have a full time job, support myself, got into grad school, am researching how to finance it. I stopped the other day and was like, Oh... so this is what it's like to be a grown up. The independence is fulfilling, but the uncertainty is overwhelming sometimes. There is something liberating about knowing that you can drop your life and do something else. That feeling of liberation is also met with sadness. I could accept Penn State right now, move there in 2 months and start over anew there and it would be fine. I would be leaving everything here behind and though I could, it hurts a bit. I left Tracy and never really looked back, which was probably a good thing at the time, but I still think about all of the people I know that didn't go too far or have returned. They have that built in community that has been there pretty much since high school. I don't have that. It was my choice and I feel that I am better for it since I wasn't in a good way up there, but I do play the "what if" game from time to time.
I have a hard time picturing myself as this professional academic. I always wanted that, but never REALLY saw it for myself. I never thought of myself as overly intelligent or academically capable of such a career. Over the past several years I have had some pretty amazing cheerleaders pushing me along, but I still have a hard time accepting or admitting that I belong there. When I got into Penn State, I called my brother and through tears I said something like, "This is AWESOME! I'm really overwhelmed because I never saw this for myself." He responded, "Cath, I know. I am so thrilled for this next step because now you can see yourself the way I always have." I don't know how he ALWAYS knows what to say to make me lose my shit, but he does. Honestly, him believing in me is probably the best compliment I could ever receive. He is who I look up to most in terms of educational prowess and success. He had a Masters degree by the age of 23 and is a year and a half away from his Ph.D. He's just a stellar human being.
On a side note. The new Circa Survive album came out last Tuesday and I've listened to it on repeat since then... actually before then because they had it streaming, but now that it's on my iPod, it's NONSTOP. I love my friends down here. I mean, unconditionally love them. However, I don't have anyoen that will partake in some of the more "rock" or "harder" music. This album isn't even that loud. "Get Out" is kind of loud, but that is the loudest song on the album. The new Coheed album came out two weeks ago and no one here likes them. I tried listening to Emery the other day and that was a huge no go. I miss people like Courtney because we could put on Copeland and then The Used and it wouldn't even matter.
Trip up north in a few weeks. If you got to the end of this and are reading this then plan on hanging out when I get up there.