my life.. hell long
Hey guys im not very good at this whole pouring your soul out online thing and generally I don’t like doing it. But considering people probably don’t read this shit anyway and its helps to write stuff out im going to go for it. We’ll see how this goes.
my life lately
My family life was beyond anythign i was able to handle. i wanst able to take things and turned to other ways to deal with all my built up energy and frustrations... lets me honest.. not the best decisions ive made in my life..turned to things i never said i would turn to.. left my heart open to those that never deserved a chance to have my heart. So...from the beginning.
Life has really been a lot for me lately. Everything’s been insane since about December. On December 18th a friend of my family’s who I have known and worked with for as long as I can remember passed away at 30. I was really angry with everyone when this happened. I tried to be mad at everyone but the only one I could find to be angry at was God. Rob were tight as and he has always been there for me through everything. He always called me his little girl and we’d joke around during work and normally get in trouble because of it. He was pretty much the reason I went to work and he was definitely a great help to my dad because he was able to run the office when my dad wasn’t able to be around. So that was definitely a hard hit for me as well as my family. Then right after Christmas, my great grandma passed away. She was 94 and lived in her own little house in Queens with her dog just as she always wanted. She was ready to die and spoke of my great grandfather a lot. He passed about 20 years before she did and she’d always say that she “missed him something awful.” So loosing her was another big hit for my family. So I spent a good amount of my Christmas holidays cleaning out her house and eventually selling it. At the moment I have 3 pieces of furniture in my room that came from her house and its nice because its just a little reminder of her each day. So, yea December was a pretty bad month for me.
But there was some happy news Right before we got on holiday for Christmas I found out that I was going to be the exchange student and go to Australia to live with a family for 3 months. Then my life just got insanely busy. I was getting plans ready for leaving and had so much paperwork for the country and schoolwork to get done, and to be honest the load of all the happenings in December didn’t really help with all of that. In February I went to Mexico again with school which was amazing. That was great because it was the first time in all of the new year that I was able to forget about my problems… just for a little while and enjoy being with these people and help these people. When I got back from the trip I was kinda still a mess and let things get a little carried away. Im not saying that I am proud of what ive done, nor am I saying that I regret it. In order to live we have to make our own choices and our own mistakes. I would consider what occurred… a fault in judgement based on unsteady circumstances and longing for something more. Recently this incident has come back to bite me in the ass which is not how I would have liked to have gone, but we cannot affect the choices and thoughts of others as much as we would like to. So that was another thing added to the mix.
Now was the end of February and March just completely flew by with plane arrangements and being tied down with schoolwork and my sweet 16, which was full of drama but all of that has panned out and it honesly was the best night I could have asked for. All the people I cared about were with me, and it was amazing. March came and went and I finally found out which family I was staying with and left. To be honest I have never been more anxious to get away from my house as I was for that trip. I never really came to terms with Rob dying or my grandmother passing. There were issues with my friends and parents that I don’t really want to go into, and there was always the hanging guilt of past sins.
I was in Australia for about 3 months. And to be honest, it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I met people that I can honestly say I love more than anything and I miss them everyday. While I was gone I tried to forget all the problems that I had left behind. While there I met a guy named Tom and he gave me hope, that there are actually good guys out there, and I was lucky enough to be with one for about a month. We had a blast and I love him and miss him everyday. Leaving Australia was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. The day before I left I spent it with Rosie, Zarah ( my exchange chick) and Tom and we watched movies and stuff and I just sobbed, and I felt so bad, and I tried everything I could to stop them but I couldn’t help it. But I left on a good note and attempted to regain some dignity and didn’t cry in front of my little sister who was convinced she could make me cry. She almost got me at the airport, I made it until I got into the gate and she couldn’t see me anymore. When I left home I knew that everyone was going to be there when I got home, but now I was leaving another home and all my friends and didn’t know when I was going to be able to come back and see them. These people are my family and I want them all to know that I miss them terribly and I think about them always. Some of the older students said they are going to be traveling to America when they graduate and hopefully I will get to see some of them in the coming year. Zarah will be coming to stay with my in October so I cant wait for that. She’s amazing. She’s help teach me one of the only things that has been able to keep me sane. Painting.
Now was the time to come home. For those 3 months I was able to pretty much push everything out of my mind. I wasn’t thinking about Rob as much, and problems with friends were starting to resolve themselves. When you go away for trips like that you find out who your real friends are. When I was in Australia, the people that I knew cared about me tried their hardest to stay in contact and that was the best thing ever because I did miss home and getting an email and having contact with home was nice. And now being home I see who in Australia care about me and miss me because people do try n email me still and its amazing because now I feel like I still have contact with my other home. Its funny.. when I was down there id always say “ well I just want to go back to Long Island see my friends and family and then get on a plane and come back home…” and to this day I still call the Barossa home.
In the first couple days of being home it was just plain weird Im not going to lie. I hated being home. I wanted to get on a plane and go see Tom and Zarah and everybody and New York was the last place I wanted to be. Its getting better now, but being in my house felt weird. And that was the hardest thing of all…that some place that I have lived in my entire life felt.. wrong. I felt out of place and trapped in my own house. I haven’t spent much time at home since Ive gotten home on July 7th. Since then Ive spent weekends on the boat, friends houses almost all the weekdays, working (which was complete and total hell when I worked at my dads. I hadn’t had to work there since Rob was gone and it is torture trying to work there so I avoid it at all costs.). I went to camp for a whole week which to be honest was nice but at the same time was a massive guilt trip. And this past week I spent with Shelly’s family upstate. I have been doing everything in my power not to have to be home. To not have to deal with any of the things going on in my life. Maybe that’s why I don’t really mind my summer reading. Because now, in reading I can forget my real life and whats going on with me and I can just be in the book and not have to be bothered.
There is so much going on and im not doing anything. I have spent 2 “relaxing” weeks not having to really do anything, and I feel tired.. not just physically but emotionally tired. I feel like someone just keeps slipping sleeping pills into something im drinking, but at the same time giving me NoDoz so I cant go to sleep. I cant remember the last time I got a good nights sleep. Its actually 2:30 in the morning at the moment. Sleeping seems to be the last thing im able to do anymore, which is possibly the worst thing ever because its needed the most.
Sorry this is probably the longest entry ive ever written in one of these things. If you have made it this far congratulations. Maybe this will help explain me lately and why ive probably snapped at you at some point. The short version:: missing passed relatives, mistakes, missing Australia and family down there, friend issues, and parents *which I don’t think I actually wrote about*) don’t ya wish I did the short version before you read all this? Lol. Thanks for listening if you got this far.
Means a lot
my life lately
My family life was beyond anythign i was able to handle. i wanst able to take things and turned to other ways to deal with all my built up energy and frustrations... lets me honest.. not the best decisions ive made in my life..turned to things i never said i would turn to.. left my heart open to those that never deserved a chance to have my heart. So...from the beginning.
Life has really been a lot for me lately. Everything’s been insane since about December. On December 18th a friend of my family’s who I have known and worked with for as long as I can remember passed away at 30. I was really angry with everyone when this happened. I tried to be mad at everyone but the only one I could find to be angry at was God. Rob were tight as and he has always been there for me through everything. He always called me his little girl and we’d joke around during work and normally get in trouble because of it. He was pretty much the reason I went to work and he was definitely a great help to my dad because he was able to run the office when my dad wasn’t able to be around. So that was definitely a hard hit for me as well as my family. Then right after Christmas, my great grandma passed away. She was 94 and lived in her own little house in Queens with her dog just as she always wanted. She was ready to die and spoke of my great grandfather a lot. He passed about 20 years before she did and she’d always say that she “missed him something awful.” So loosing her was another big hit for my family. So I spent a good amount of my Christmas holidays cleaning out her house and eventually selling it. At the moment I have 3 pieces of furniture in my room that came from her house and its nice because its just a little reminder of her each day. So, yea December was a pretty bad month for me.
But there was some happy news Right before we got on holiday for Christmas I found out that I was going to be the exchange student and go to Australia to live with a family for 3 months. Then my life just got insanely busy. I was getting plans ready for leaving and had so much paperwork for the country and schoolwork to get done, and to be honest the load of all the happenings in December didn’t really help with all of that. In February I went to Mexico again with school which was amazing. That was great because it was the first time in all of the new year that I was able to forget about my problems… just for a little while and enjoy being with these people and help these people. When I got back from the trip I was kinda still a mess and let things get a little carried away. Im not saying that I am proud of what ive done, nor am I saying that I regret it. In order to live we have to make our own choices and our own mistakes. I would consider what occurred… a fault in judgement based on unsteady circumstances and longing for something more. Recently this incident has come back to bite me in the ass which is not how I would have liked to have gone, but we cannot affect the choices and thoughts of others as much as we would like to. So that was another thing added to the mix.
Now was the end of February and March just completely flew by with plane arrangements and being tied down with schoolwork and my sweet 16, which was full of drama but all of that has panned out and it honesly was the best night I could have asked for. All the people I cared about were with me, and it was amazing. March came and went and I finally found out which family I was staying with and left. To be honest I have never been more anxious to get away from my house as I was for that trip. I never really came to terms with Rob dying or my grandmother passing. There were issues with my friends and parents that I don’t really want to go into, and there was always the hanging guilt of past sins.
I was in Australia for about 3 months. And to be honest, it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I met people that I can honestly say I love more than anything and I miss them everyday. While I was gone I tried to forget all the problems that I had left behind. While there I met a guy named Tom and he gave me hope, that there are actually good guys out there, and I was lucky enough to be with one for about a month. We had a blast and I love him and miss him everyday. Leaving Australia was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. The day before I left I spent it with Rosie, Zarah ( my exchange chick) and Tom and we watched movies and stuff and I just sobbed, and I felt so bad, and I tried everything I could to stop them but I couldn’t help it. But I left on a good note and attempted to regain some dignity and didn’t cry in front of my little sister who was convinced she could make me cry. She almost got me at the airport, I made it until I got into the gate and she couldn’t see me anymore. When I left home I knew that everyone was going to be there when I got home, but now I was leaving another home and all my friends and didn’t know when I was going to be able to come back and see them. These people are my family and I want them all to know that I miss them terribly and I think about them always. Some of the older students said they are going to be traveling to America when they graduate and hopefully I will get to see some of them in the coming year. Zarah will be coming to stay with my in October so I cant wait for that. She’s amazing. She’s help teach me one of the only things that has been able to keep me sane. Painting.
Now was the time to come home. For those 3 months I was able to pretty much push everything out of my mind. I wasn’t thinking about Rob as much, and problems with friends were starting to resolve themselves. When you go away for trips like that you find out who your real friends are. When I was in Australia, the people that I knew cared about me tried their hardest to stay in contact and that was the best thing ever because I did miss home and getting an email and having contact with home was nice. And now being home I see who in Australia care about me and miss me because people do try n email me still and its amazing because now I feel like I still have contact with my other home. Its funny.. when I was down there id always say “ well I just want to go back to Long Island see my friends and family and then get on a plane and come back home…” and to this day I still call the Barossa home.
In the first couple days of being home it was just plain weird Im not going to lie. I hated being home. I wanted to get on a plane and go see Tom and Zarah and everybody and New York was the last place I wanted to be. Its getting better now, but being in my house felt weird. And that was the hardest thing of all…that some place that I have lived in my entire life felt.. wrong. I felt out of place and trapped in my own house. I haven’t spent much time at home since Ive gotten home on July 7th. Since then Ive spent weekends on the boat, friends houses almost all the weekdays, working (which was complete and total hell when I worked at my dads. I hadn’t had to work there since Rob was gone and it is torture trying to work there so I avoid it at all costs.). I went to camp for a whole week which to be honest was nice but at the same time was a massive guilt trip. And this past week I spent with Shelly’s family upstate. I have been doing everything in my power not to have to be home. To not have to deal with any of the things going on in my life. Maybe that’s why I don’t really mind my summer reading. Because now, in reading I can forget my real life and whats going on with me and I can just be in the book and not have to be bothered.
There is so much going on and im not doing anything. I have spent 2 “relaxing” weeks not having to really do anything, and I feel tired.. not just physically but emotionally tired. I feel like someone just keeps slipping sleeping pills into something im drinking, but at the same time giving me NoDoz so I cant go to sleep. I cant remember the last time I got a good nights sleep. Its actually 2:30 in the morning at the moment. Sleeping seems to be the last thing im able to do anymore, which is possibly the worst thing ever because its needed the most.
Sorry this is probably the longest entry ive ever written in one of these things. If you have made it this far congratulations. Maybe this will help explain me lately and why ive probably snapped at you at some point. The short version:: missing passed relatives, mistakes, missing Australia and family down there, friend issues, and parents *which I don’t think I actually wrote about*) don’t ya wish I did the short version before you read all this? Lol. Thanks for listening if you got this far.
Means a lot