guess im ready to feel again
searching. im always searching. gotten keep going. i need something to occupy my mind. ive convinced myself that im dying. its not that hard to imagine when you really think about it. im dying. huh. my hearts racing but i feel pretty damn numb. im on the point of frantic. my thoughts are so fucking incomplete that i cant even understand them. my bodies not moving though. i cant even will my limbs to twitch on demand. apparently my bodies already dead. havent felt like this for awhile. guess you do a pretty good job of keeping me together. i cant even keep myself together. sometimes. i think i need a break. so go one and give me one. from the nothing that i do during the day. and the nothing that takes place afterwards. id almost consider settling for a drink. lame. i know. this antisocial thing im doing is killing me. ive never been any good at keeping friends. now that i stop to think about it, ive never really been good at anything. doesnt really bother me though. passing time. reading a book. laying on my back. it seems that all im really doing these days is passing time. and i think its time for me to get away for awhile. ive got something to say. but no one to say it to. i guess everyone at one point or another feels this way. but without you around i feel nothing at all. and my dependency is starting to bother me. and this temporary depression is starting to get the best of me. what the fuck is wrong with me. i think that i still havent recovered completely. a part of me is gone. up and left when i found out that id never see you again. looking back at all the past mistakes ive made. the situations differ but my actions are always the same. in the end. and i always swear that ill change. but it seems these days that really im just exactly the same. how many years has it been now. and im still trying to get it together. im still trying to keep it together. whats wrong with you. nothing. its always nothing. in that stupid town nothing changes. in that stupid town i havent changed. i wish i could just call you up to sit next to me. on the porch past dawn. wed sit there and watch our work pay off. wed burn it down. the old you and the old me. but your not around anymore. and im not sure that even if you were, id be. im sure id probably just screw things up again anyway. i always fuck things up for you and me. guess thats just so typically me. im ready though. for something. anything. i need to find a good tattoo artist. gonna put some ink in my skin. to remind me. its always to remind me. cause i cant ever seem to remember anything. midnight runs and early morning showers. what happened to that part of me. every detail is slowly fading. soon ill be nothing. thats what you always thought id be. guess its what you always said would happen to me.