Sally crack
Hi. _ila_ is awesome. She got me a plush Stitch bookmark and cell phone ornament. *hugs them* I so can't resist Stitch things. So cuteee. Now I have to get her a birthday present, 4 months late. :D
Oh my goddd. illusory_thrill and I were up until 4:30 in the morning a couple nights ago, discussing Sally Field's sex life. We came up with this formula to measure how awesome an actor is, based on number of high-rated films, awards, personal life, etc. Yeah, Sally totally won. She kicked Meryl Streep's ASS. Helen kicked Meryl's ass too, actually, at 1995 points. She may not be the most hardcore actress ever, but she won the Best Comedy Actress Emmy four years in a row, and Mad About You existed for a while, so...yeah. Good times. But then we were talking about Sally's personal life, and her kids, and how crazy of a mother she must have been - usually we're like, wtf, how does she even have kids, she doesn't have the personality at all. But in contemplating her everyday life, we realized she was probably perfect at it. lmao and then we had her be Sybil's mom randomly at the breakfast table while Sam was eating cereal: "DON'T YOU TELL." "okay, mom." "DON'T YOU EVER TELL." and flipping out at him for spilling juice "YOU UNGRATEFUL CHILD. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?" And then...getting him a sippy cup for next time. This would have been while he was in high school, fyi. lmao and then there was this thing about having phone sex with Burt but not really going along with it, just reading magazines, filing her nails, microwaving food, knitting, but going along with all the sex talk and pretending she was completely into it like Burt. lmao, and I was talking about how Sally is god's mom, and when Sam and Peter and Eli fought about the TV, their brother God would come in and be like "I bestow chastity upon you, my brothers" and then I...learned what chastity meant. Yeah. lmao omg it was so amazing though. Like, best conversation ever.
And then last night we wrote Sally/Alan/Burt/Dave/Jack Bauer crackfic. The Dating Game, hosted by the fictional, extremely Jewish version of Alan's mother. Also, to some degree, life-owning. She did Alan and Dave, and I did Burt and Jack. I mean...not in the sex way. Although that's a pretty nice thought. So, yeah, good times. Basically, we decided that Alan's mother was holding the game show to decide if Sally could stay married to her son. If she picked him, the marriage would go on. If she picked one of the other three contestants, they'd have to get divorced.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna post that now.
*FADE IN*
Alan's mother, we'll call her Ruth. Ruth: "HULLO, HULLO, EVERYBODAY. Welcome to 'Stupid Oscar Winners and Their Strange Bedfellows.' I'm your resident Jew, Ruth Greisman. Let's meet today's stupid oscar-winning contestant."
"Tonight's episode is near and dear to my heart as it is handles the fragile affections of my one and only son, my babuska, Alan. Our contestant here calls herself his "wife," but we're not too sure. As a rare two-time Oscar winning actress, she is dumber than most, and apparently proud of it. She believes she's the best actress on earth and whether or not that's a good thing, I couldn't say. Let's bring her on out here anyway. But before we do, remember to put on your face masks to protect you from whatever Oscar-winning germs she may be carrying. Ladies and jews, SALLY FIELD!"
Sally: "Hi."
Sam: "Hi, Bubby."
Ruth: "Hullo, bubbalah."
Sally: "Well, let's get started, shall we?"
Ruth: "You're the Oscah Winnah."
Sally: "That's right. Okay. Bachelor #1. If you could take me on a date anywhere, where would you take me and why?"
[Dave]: "You know where I'd take you, baby. I'd take you onto the set of our television show, which, by the way, doesn't exist yet so we'd get to do a little romantic time-traveling. Late at night, everyone's gone home. Just you, me, and the craft service table. All night. Yeeeah."
Sally: "That...sounds romantic." *Mrs. Doubtfire grimace*
Ruth: "Look at her, she's awlways complayyyning, nothing is evah, evah good enough. Anyway. Let's move on, shall we?"
Sally *glare*: "Uh huh. Bachelor #2, if you had to take me to the most romantic place on earth, where would we go?"
[Burt]: "Well, Sally...I would take you to the bed where we made love for the first time. I would want you to remember the time we giggled and made love until the wee hours of the morning, with our hearts filled with endless love. I think that's where we both belong, in our true souls."
Ruth: "Well, now, that's just lovahly, isn't it? Thank you, Bachelor #2, a fine effort. Let's move onto Bachelor #3. Sally."
Sally: "If you'll give me a moment, I have to pee."
Ruth: "Of CAWSE you do. GAWD, you are so white."
Sally: "Shut up already, I'm back. Bachelor #3, if you had to choose a weird sexual thing to do with me, what would your first choice be?"
[Alan]: "Well, I don't know if I feel comfortable saying it out loud in such a sensitive atmosphere, but let's just say it would involve you, me, a hairbrush, and a rubber band."
Sally: "Oh. Right. Thank you."
Ruth: "Fabulous, that's fabulous. Fabulous, fabulous, fabu..."
Sally: "It's fabulous, we get it. Anyway. Bachelor #4, imagine there's been a death in my family, someone very close to me. What would you do to help me through the grieving process?"
[Jack]: "Having lost family members myself, I would understand your sadness, but also your need to take action. I have a number of sophisticated weapons, such as rifles and hacksaws, should you choose to take your own life as a response to this event."
Sally: ..........................................
Ruth: Well, great, great, that's excellent. I don't much support resorting to violence, but that's an admirable, admirable answer, Bachelor #4, well done. Sally?
Sally: "Bachelor #1. It's a sunny day, and I need something to do. Now, *some* people are perfectly content with sitting around watching television ALL DAY. However, I usually prefer to do a fun activity with my significant other. What would your best idea be?"
[Dave]: Well, you know, I really like to play street hockey outside in the neighborhood with my boys without any...feminine distractions, right. But for you, baby, I'd make an exception. And let you watch."
Sally: "Oh, how sweet."
Ruth: "Yes...isn't it. Hmm. Anyhoodle, let's be moving right along, no need to be plotzing over time, I always say, time is like buttah, you know, if you don't use it, it'll melt."
Sally: "Yeah. Like...butter. Okay. Bachelor #2. It's my birthday, and I'm starting to feel a little bit older. What will you do to make me feel young again?"
[Burt]: "I will engage in the beautiful act of lovemaking with you, of course. You are my star, and I will do anything to make you feel like you can shine as bright as ever. I recently purchased a pop-up Kama Sutra book, and I feel that positions like Lovemaking of the Crow, Bear Claw, and Horny Violin Player will all make us feel young and new. We'll stay up all night giggling."
Sally: "That's a lovely, lovely sentiment, Bachelor #2, thank you."
Ruth: "Yeah, yeah, like I was saying about buttah...."
Sally: "OKAY. Jesus."
Ruth: "JESUS! Did you just say Jesus to me?" *to audience* "Did she just say Jesus to me?"
Sally: "Yes, I did. What do you have to say about that?" *glares*
Ruth: "Jesus is a figment of your imagination. That cross around your neck? LIES! ALL LIES."
Sally: "Yeah, well...at least Jesus likes me. He *really* likes me. Anyway, Bachelor #3? If you could cast me in any role, what would you cast me in?"
[Alan]: "I could never cast you in a role, that's not my place. You cast yourself in whatever role you want, because you're that good. I don't tell you where to go, you just go. And no matter where you end up, you fit because there's no better adapter than an actress and there's no better actress than you."
Sally: "Why, thank you, that's very sweet. I might even forgive you for not giving me a straight answer."
Ruth: "Lies. ALL LIES."
Sally: "Shut up, you old hag."
Ruth: "AGAIN WITH THE LIES."
Sally: "Yes, and on that note, Bachelor #4, suppose you've gone for a walk in the city with me and my son and we find that we're being stalked by paparazzi and they're starting to get rowdy. What would you do?"
[Jack]: "I would order them to the ground, handcuff them with their own pants, and take them into a deserted alleyway to question them and find out WHO THEY ARE WORKING FOR! ...with your blessing, of course."
Sally: "Beautiful, just beautiful. I thank you. My son thanks you."
Ruth: "Yeah, yeah, game's over, neesh geete. Pick one so I can get outta here and head on over to temple."
Sally: "It won't matter, you're going to hell anyway."
Ruth: "Yes, I am, but let me tell you, the least I can do is ensure that my stay in hell is as comfortable as possible, but there ain't no chance of that happening where you're going."
Sally: "Bite me."
Ruth: "All right, missy, I've had enough of your mouth. Which door is your husband behind?"
Sally looks from door to door, slowly scanning each one, running through all the answers given in her head. As she does so, Sam quietly scurries over to Door #3 and begins knocking.
Sam: "Daddy? Daddyyyyyy!" *the audience gasps* "Mommy, Daddy's in this one! He's in this one!"
The surprise is ruined. The suspense gone. The audience groans.
Ruth (under her breath): "Goddamn Oscar-winning bastard child."
Sally turns to door #3, with all intentions of opening it. But suddenly, she remembers something. Her most passionate nights of lovemaking, who were they with? Burt. Whose mother wasn't a huge fucking pain in the ass? Burt. She loved Alan, but she didn't know how much more she could take knowing that Burt had been pining after her for the entirety of his life. She rushed to door #2, where she knew her past lover was waiting for her, and opened it.
Her eyes widened at the sight before her.
A man, a strange, buff man with an automatic weapon had tackled her past lover to the ground. She watched with horror as they wrestled to the death.
And then suddenly, the gun went off.
Sally closed her eyes, unable to face the horror that she imagined they would eventually behold. The audience gasped. Finally, she found the strength to open her eyes. However, she was surprised at this sight. Burt was fine. Jack was fine. Both sat on the floor, their eyes set on something behind Sally. She turned around, and found nothing other than her mother-in-law, lying on the floor.
Suddenly, Alan burst out from behind door #3, as if in slow motion. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. MOOOOOTTTHHHHEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
He pounced on her, attempting to revive a life even he knew was not worth saving.
Sally turned and watched as her husband agonized over his dying mother, painstakingly deciding whether or not it was in everyone's best interest to call 911. He looked at her; they locked eyes.They both knew. Ruth had given it her all to make their married life hell and if they weren't careful, she was going to tear them apart. But he wasn't going to let that happen. He stood, leaving his mother on the floor all covered in blood, and slowly began to walk toward his wife, and she toward him.
"Why did you choose Burt?" he asked, sadly. Burt called 911 in the background, and she spent several minutes avoiding eye contact with her husband. Finally, as the ambulance pulled in outside the building and several EMTs entered the room, she knew she had to tell him.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I guess I was afraid of doing the right thing."
"Aww." He hugged her, before a man tapped him on the shoulder and started to speak.
"I have some good news about your mother," he started.
"What is it?" Sally asked skeptically.
"She's dead."
"Oh, thank god," Alan sighed.
"Thank God? THANK JESUS! I really owe ya one, man," Sally exclaimed.
"Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, did Bubby go home to Jesus?"
"No, sweetie, Jesus isn't Bubby's friend. Bubby went to go play with a man named Lucifer."
"Am I Jesus's friend?"
"You, my darling, are Jesus's BEST friend."
"So he tells me secrets?"
"Uhhh...yes, honey, he...tells you secrets."
"Okay, good, because I been hearing voices all night."
Sally and Alan: *stares*
Alan {to Sally}: "Way to go, you passed on the schizophrenic gene."
Sally: "I DONT HAVE THE SCHIZOPHRENIC GENE, IT'S CALLED ACTING!"
Alan: "No way that was acting. That shit was off the hook. Real as ever."
Sally: "Awe. Honey. Thank you."
*they have sex* Meanwhile, Sam scurries away, running after a nonexistent butterfly. "Wait, Jesus! Come back! Jesusssssssss!"
The End.
Happy birthday, wonsuitewhirled!!!
Also, I saw Evening. It was sooooooo good. So many fricking awesome people in one movie. <3
Mrs Erlynne: OMG
Mrs Erlynne: THAT WAS YOUR FINGER IN THE PICTURE
ErinSorkin: um, yeah dumbass
Mrs Erlynne: I THOUGHT THAT WAS LIKE A WEIRD SCULPTURE SALLY PUT UP IN HIS ROOM
Oh my goddd. illusory_thrill and I were up until 4:30 in the morning a couple nights ago, discussing Sally Field's sex life. We came up with this formula to measure how awesome an actor is, based on number of high-rated films, awards, personal life, etc. Yeah, Sally totally won. She kicked Meryl Streep's ASS. Helen kicked Meryl's ass too, actually, at 1995 points. She may not be the most hardcore actress ever, but she won the Best Comedy Actress Emmy four years in a row, and Mad About You existed for a while, so...yeah. Good times. But then we were talking about Sally's personal life, and her kids, and how crazy of a mother she must have been - usually we're like, wtf, how does she even have kids, she doesn't have the personality at all. But in contemplating her everyday life, we realized she was probably perfect at it. lmao and then we had her be Sybil's mom randomly at the breakfast table while Sam was eating cereal: "DON'T YOU TELL." "okay, mom." "DON'T YOU EVER TELL." and flipping out at him for spilling juice "YOU UNGRATEFUL CHILD. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?" And then...getting him a sippy cup for next time. This would have been while he was in high school, fyi. lmao and then there was this thing about having phone sex with Burt but not really going along with it, just reading magazines, filing her nails, microwaving food, knitting, but going along with all the sex talk and pretending she was completely into it like Burt. lmao, and I was talking about how Sally is god's mom, and when Sam and Peter and Eli fought about the TV, their brother God would come in and be like "I bestow chastity upon you, my brothers" and then I...learned what chastity meant. Yeah. lmao omg it was so amazing though. Like, best conversation ever.
And then last night we wrote Sally/Alan/Burt/Dave/Jack Bauer crackfic. The Dating Game, hosted by the fictional, extremely Jewish version of Alan's mother. Also, to some degree, life-owning. She did Alan and Dave, and I did Burt and Jack. I mean...not in the sex way. Although that's a pretty nice thought. So, yeah, good times. Basically, we decided that Alan's mother was holding the game show to decide if Sally could stay married to her son. If she picked him, the marriage would go on. If she picked one of the other three contestants, they'd have to get divorced.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna post that now.
*FADE IN*
Alan's mother, we'll call her Ruth. Ruth: "HULLO, HULLO, EVERYBODAY. Welcome to 'Stupid Oscar Winners and Their Strange Bedfellows.' I'm your resident Jew, Ruth Greisman. Let's meet today's stupid oscar-winning contestant."
"Tonight's episode is near and dear to my heart as it is handles the fragile affections of my one and only son, my babuska, Alan. Our contestant here calls herself his "wife," but we're not too sure. As a rare two-time Oscar winning actress, she is dumber than most, and apparently proud of it. She believes she's the best actress on earth and whether or not that's a good thing, I couldn't say. Let's bring her on out here anyway. But before we do, remember to put on your face masks to protect you from whatever Oscar-winning germs she may be carrying. Ladies and jews, SALLY FIELD!"
Sally: "Hi."
Sam: "Hi, Bubby."
Ruth: "Hullo, bubbalah."
Sally: "Well, let's get started, shall we?"
Ruth: "You're the Oscah Winnah."
Sally: "That's right. Okay. Bachelor #1. If you could take me on a date anywhere, where would you take me and why?"
[Dave]: "You know where I'd take you, baby. I'd take you onto the set of our television show, which, by the way, doesn't exist yet so we'd get to do a little romantic time-traveling. Late at night, everyone's gone home. Just you, me, and the craft service table. All night. Yeeeah."
Sally: "That...sounds romantic." *Mrs. Doubtfire grimace*
Ruth: "Look at her, she's awlways complayyyning, nothing is evah, evah good enough. Anyway. Let's move on, shall we?"
Sally *glare*: "Uh huh. Bachelor #2, if you had to take me to the most romantic place on earth, where would we go?"
[Burt]: "Well, Sally...I would take you to the bed where we made love for the first time. I would want you to remember the time we giggled and made love until the wee hours of the morning, with our hearts filled with endless love. I think that's where we both belong, in our true souls."
Ruth: "Well, now, that's just lovahly, isn't it? Thank you, Bachelor #2, a fine effort. Let's move onto Bachelor #3. Sally."
Sally: "If you'll give me a moment, I have to pee."
Ruth: "Of CAWSE you do. GAWD, you are so white."
Sally: "Shut up already, I'm back. Bachelor #3, if you had to choose a weird sexual thing to do with me, what would your first choice be?"
[Alan]: "Well, I don't know if I feel comfortable saying it out loud in such a sensitive atmosphere, but let's just say it would involve you, me, a hairbrush, and a rubber band."
Sally: "Oh. Right. Thank you."
Ruth: "Fabulous, that's fabulous. Fabulous, fabulous, fabu..."
Sally: "It's fabulous, we get it. Anyway. Bachelor #4, imagine there's been a death in my family, someone very close to me. What would you do to help me through the grieving process?"
[Jack]: "Having lost family members myself, I would understand your sadness, but also your need to take action. I have a number of sophisticated weapons, such as rifles and hacksaws, should you choose to take your own life as a response to this event."
Sally: ..........................................
Ruth: Well, great, great, that's excellent. I don't much support resorting to violence, but that's an admirable, admirable answer, Bachelor #4, well done. Sally?
Sally: "Bachelor #1. It's a sunny day, and I need something to do. Now, *some* people are perfectly content with sitting around watching television ALL DAY. However, I usually prefer to do a fun activity with my significant other. What would your best idea be?"
[Dave]: Well, you know, I really like to play street hockey outside in the neighborhood with my boys without any...feminine distractions, right. But for you, baby, I'd make an exception. And let you watch."
Sally: "Oh, how sweet."
Ruth: "Yes...isn't it. Hmm. Anyhoodle, let's be moving right along, no need to be plotzing over time, I always say, time is like buttah, you know, if you don't use it, it'll melt."
Sally: "Yeah. Like...butter. Okay. Bachelor #2. It's my birthday, and I'm starting to feel a little bit older. What will you do to make me feel young again?"
[Burt]: "I will engage in the beautiful act of lovemaking with you, of course. You are my star, and I will do anything to make you feel like you can shine as bright as ever. I recently purchased a pop-up Kama Sutra book, and I feel that positions like Lovemaking of the Crow, Bear Claw, and Horny Violin Player will all make us feel young and new. We'll stay up all night giggling."
Sally: "That's a lovely, lovely sentiment, Bachelor #2, thank you."
Ruth: "Yeah, yeah, like I was saying about buttah...."
Sally: "OKAY. Jesus."
Ruth: "JESUS! Did you just say Jesus to me?" *to audience* "Did she just say Jesus to me?"
Sally: "Yes, I did. What do you have to say about that?" *glares*
Ruth: "Jesus is a figment of your imagination. That cross around your neck? LIES! ALL LIES."
Sally: "Yeah, well...at least Jesus likes me. He *really* likes me. Anyway, Bachelor #3? If you could cast me in any role, what would you cast me in?"
[Alan]: "I could never cast you in a role, that's not my place. You cast yourself in whatever role you want, because you're that good. I don't tell you where to go, you just go. And no matter where you end up, you fit because there's no better adapter than an actress and there's no better actress than you."
Sally: "Why, thank you, that's very sweet. I might even forgive you for not giving me a straight answer."
Ruth: "Lies. ALL LIES."
Sally: "Shut up, you old hag."
Ruth: "AGAIN WITH THE LIES."
Sally: "Yes, and on that note, Bachelor #4, suppose you've gone for a walk in the city with me and my son and we find that we're being stalked by paparazzi and they're starting to get rowdy. What would you do?"
[Jack]: "I would order them to the ground, handcuff them with their own pants, and take them into a deserted alleyway to question them and find out WHO THEY ARE WORKING FOR! ...with your blessing, of course."
Sally: "Beautiful, just beautiful. I thank you. My son thanks you."
Ruth: "Yeah, yeah, game's over, neesh geete. Pick one so I can get outta here and head on over to temple."
Sally: "It won't matter, you're going to hell anyway."
Ruth: "Yes, I am, but let me tell you, the least I can do is ensure that my stay in hell is as comfortable as possible, but there ain't no chance of that happening where you're going."
Sally: "Bite me."
Ruth: "All right, missy, I've had enough of your mouth. Which door is your husband behind?"
Sally looks from door to door, slowly scanning each one, running through all the answers given in her head. As she does so, Sam quietly scurries over to Door #3 and begins knocking.
Sam: "Daddy? Daddyyyyyy!" *the audience gasps* "Mommy, Daddy's in this one! He's in this one!"
The surprise is ruined. The suspense gone. The audience groans.
Ruth (under her breath): "Goddamn Oscar-winning bastard child."
Sally turns to door #3, with all intentions of opening it. But suddenly, she remembers something. Her most passionate nights of lovemaking, who were they with? Burt. Whose mother wasn't a huge fucking pain in the ass? Burt. She loved Alan, but she didn't know how much more she could take knowing that Burt had been pining after her for the entirety of his life. She rushed to door #2, where she knew her past lover was waiting for her, and opened it.
Her eyes widened at the sight before her.
A man, a strange, buff man with an automatic weapon had tackled her past lover to the ground. She watched with horror as they wrestled to the death.
And then suddenly, the gun went off.
Sally closed her eyes, unable to face the horror that she imagined they would eventually behold. The audience gasped. Finally, she found the strength to open her eyes. However, she was surprised at this sight. Burt was fine. Jack was fine. Both sat on the floor, their eyes set on something behind Sally. She turned around, and found nothing other than her mother-in-law, lying on the floor.
Suddenly, Alan burst out from behind door #3, as if in slow motion. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. MOOOOOTTTHHHHEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
He pounced on her, attempting to revive a life even he knew was not worth saving.
Sally turned and watched as her husband agonized over his dying mother, painstakingly deciding whether or not it was in everyone's best interest to call 911. He looked at her; they locked eyes.They both knew. Ruth had given it her all to make their married life hell and if they weren't careful, she was going to tear them apart. But he wasn't going to let that happen. He stood, leaving his mother on the floor all covered in blood, and slowly began to walk toward his wife, and she toward him.
"Why did you choose Burt?" he asked, sadly. Burt called 911 in the background, and she spent several minutes avoiding eye contact with her husband. Finally, as the ambulance pulled in outside the building and several EMTs entered the room, she knew she had to tell him.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I guess I was afraid of doing the right thing."
"Aww." He hugged her, before a man tapped him on the shoulder and started to speak.
"I have some good news about your mother," he started.
"What is it?" Sally asked skeptically.
"She's dead."
"Oh, thank god," Alan sighed.
"Thank God? THANK JESUS! I really owe ya one, man," Sally exclaimed.
"Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, did Bubby go home to Jesus?"
"No, sweetie, Jesus isn't Bubby's friend. Bubby went to go play with a man named Lucifer."
"Am I Jesus's friend?"
"You, my darling, are Jesus's BEST friend."
"So he tells me secrets?"
"Uhhh...yes, honey, he...tells you secrets."
"Okay, good, because I been hearing voices all night."
Sally and Alan: *stares*
Alan {to Sally}: "Way to go, you passed on the schizophrenic gene."
Sally: "I DONT HAVE THE SCHIZOPHRENIC GENE, IT'S CALLED ACTING!"
Alan: "No way that was acting. That shit was off the hook. Real as ever."
Sally: "Awe. Honey. Thank you."
*they have sex* Meanwhile, Sam scurries away, running after a nonexistent butterfly. "Wait, Jesus! Come back! Jesusssssssss!"
The End.
Happy birthday, wonsuitewhirled!!!
Also, I saw Evening. It was sooooooo good. So many fricking awesome people in one movie. <3
Mrs Erlynne: OMG
Mrs Erlynne: THAT WAS YOUR FINGER IN THE PICTURE
ErinSorkin: um, yeah dumbass
Mrs Erlynne: I THOUGHT THAT WAS LIKE A WEIRD SCULPTURE SALLY PUT UP IN HIS ROOM