(no subject)
I've been in the oddest of moods in the past couple of days, and I don't even know if I can explain it... just...
Did you ever want something so bad, yet know you can never ever have it? And I don't mean material things. Like I said, I can't really explain it, and to be honest, I don't know if I want to try. It's just this one thought, that has been running through my head, and I'm almost scared that it will never happen, yet mentioning it seems silly, and really, it's silly to worry about it, because when it happens, it happens. And maybe worry isn't really the right word. Long for it, dream of it... I don't know. I have so many plans, so many hopes. And this is going to come across as very muddled to probably at least a few of you, so please, ignore me and my muddled thoughts.
I hate missing what I can't have.
Life changes. It's a fact, and one I know well. People change. Again, a fact I know well, and really, something I've had to take a hard look at in the past year. I mean, I know I have changed. I'm not the same person I was 4, 3, even 2 years ago. And that's not a bad thing. I'd like to think I've grown up... maybe even learned to speak my mind a little bit more, instead of trying so hard to hide what I'm feeling. Yes, I've changed. And yes, I like the person I am becoming. But the changes are scary, in a lot of ways, because it's like shedding a skin... and at first that new layer is so sensitive... it's like a big proceed with caution sign. I don't know. Again, muddled thoughts.
Everyone keeps telling me that they hate the fact I live out in the country. And I know they all do. Yet sometimes I wish they would stop for a second, and really look at me, look at my parents, my siblings, look at the family as a whole. We're so happy out here, and it's so frustrating sometimes that I want to scream. Cole Harbour was never home. I see that now. I never felt the sense of comfort that I feel here, that underlying knowledge that I belong. Hell, I used to be scared to walk around the street at night, because you never knwo what could happen. And logically, I know that it's the same here... but it's different. People care. I belong here. And I just wish, that sometimes people would stop for a second, and instead of thinking, damn - they live an hour away - it's so far and I hate it, look at me. Look at who I've become. And know that in the long run, I'm happy. And that's what counts.
That's just something that bothers me now and again... kind of stems from my conversation with Lisa last week... it was good, don't get me wrong, because we talked and I felt like I could really talk to her for the first time in a long time, but she kept going on about how she never sees us anymore and yadda yadda yadda and she hates that we live out here. Well, it's nice to know she misses us, but at the same time... I never saw her when I lived in Cole Harbour, so what's the difference? Once ever few months. They never called us then, they still don't now. They don't send e-mails now and they didn't then. Nothing has changed, except that there is a bigger distance between us. And with my grandparents, it's rather ironic... we see them now more than we ever did when we lived in Cole Harbour, for all the complaining they did about the distance... and I love it. It's so nice when they come up to vist, and sometimes stay for a few days, or even just a few hours. Unlike my mom's so called best friend. God that makes me mad. Ann Marie and Ron... they just piss me off now. I mean Christ, it seems like all they want to do is belittle my parents, and that's not right. Friends don't do that. But they do... and it's just sad. Ever since mom got pregnant with Sofia, it's like Ann Marie thinks she has to make snippy comments. I knwo it hurt her that she couldn't have another baby after John, but come on, enough is enough. And the way they acted about the move... it's like they're holding a grudge, and they won't let it go. Yes, we're farther away, but we're still the same people, we're still in the city at least twice a week if not more, and we're willing to make the effort... let it go... just let it go. /end rant.
I really don't know right now. I have so many thoughts going through my head all at once, and I don't even know if any of that made any sense at all yet, somehow it's almost reassuring to get it out into the open. Cleansing if you will. Or just my muddled thoughts. Whatever.
A cookie for you if you actually managed to get through all that... and an extra cookie if it actually made any sense.
I think I'm feeling things again... and I so should not be. *hits head against wall* Don't ask. Desperate times, desperate times :P
Right. It's 1:35. I need sleep. My brain needs to shut the hell up. I'm going to bed. Don't mind me :P
Did you ever want something so bad, yet know you can never ever have it? And I don't mean material things. Like I said, I can't really explain it, and to be honest, I don't know if I want to try. It's just this one thought, that has been running through my head, and I'm almost scared that it will never happen, yet mentioning it seems silly, and really, it's silly to worry about it, because when it happens, it happens. And maybe worry isn't really the right word. Long for it, dream of it... I don't know. I have so many plans, so many hopes. And this is going to come across as very muddled to probably at least a few of you, so please, ignore me and my muddled thoughts.
I hate missing what I can't have.
Life changes. It's a fact, and one I know well. People change. Again, a fact I know well, and really, something I've had to take a hard look at in the past year. I mean, I know I have changed. I'm not the same person I was 4, 3, even 2 years ago. And that's not a bad thing. I'd like to think I've grown up... maybe even learned to speak my mind a little bit more, instead of trying so hard to hide what I'm feeling. Yes, I've changed. And yes, I like the person I am becoming. But the changes are scary, in a lot of ways, because it's like shedding a skin... and at first that new layer is so sensitive... it's like a big proceed with caution sign. I don't know. Again, muddled thoughts.
Everyone keeps telling me that they hate the fact I live out in the country. And I know they all do. Yet sometimes I wish they would stop for a second, and really look at me, look at my parents, my siblings, look at the family as a whole. We're so happy out here, and it's so frustrating sometimes that I want to scream. Cole Harbour was never home. I see that now. I never felt the sense of comfort that I feel here, that underlying knowledge that I belong. Hell, I used to be scared to walk around the street at night, because you never knwo what could happen. And logically, I know that it's the same here... but it's different. People care. I belong here. And I just wish, that sometimes people would stop for a second, and instead of thinking, damn - they live an hour away - it's so far and I hate it, look at me. Look at who I've become. And know that in the long run, I'm happy. And that's what counts.
That's just something that bothers me now and again... kind of stems from my conversation with Lisa last week... it was good, don't get me wrong, because we talked and I felt like I could really talk to her for the first time in a long time, but she kept going on about how she never sees us anymore and yadda yadda yadda and she hates that we live out here. Well, it's nice to know she misses us, but at the same time... I never saw her when I lived in Cole Harbour, so what's the difference? Once ever few months. They never called us then, they still don't now. They don't send e-mails now and they didn't then. Nothing has changed, except that there is a bigger distance between us. And with my grandparents, it's rather ironic... we see them now more than we ever did when we lived in Cole Harbour, for all the complaining they did about the distance... and I love it. It's so nice when they come up to vist, and sometimes stay for a few days, or even just a few hours. Unlike my mom's so called best friend. God that makes me mad. Ann Marie and Ron... they just piss me off now. I mean Christ, it seems like all they want to do is belittle my parents, and that's not right. Friends don't do that. But they do... and it's just sad. Ever since mom got pregnant with Sofia, it's like Ann Marie thinks she has to make snippy comments. I knwo it hurt her that she couldn't have another baby after John, but come on, enough is enough. And the way they acted about the move... it's like they're holding a grudge, and they won't let it go. Yes, we're farther away, but we're still the same people, we're still in the city at least twice a week if not more, and we're willing to make the effort... let it go... just let it go. /end rant.
I really don't know right now. I have so many thoughts going through my head all at once, and I don't even know if any of that made any sense at all yet, somehow it's almost reassuring to get it out into the open. Cleansing if you will. Or just my muddled thoughts. Whatever.
A cookie for you if you actually managed to get through all that... and an extra cookie if it actually made any sense.
I think I'm feeling things again... and I so should not be. *hits head against wall* Don't ask. Desperate times, desperate times :P
Right. It's 1:35. I need sleep. My brain needs to shut the hell up. I'm going to bed. Don't mind me :P