possibly the biggest ____ i've ever met.
i am done and over it. so glad to be free and just finally happy with myself.
it seems so ridiculous that i could lose myself in someone for such a long time and allow myself to be disappointed every day. to be lied to. to be in love with someone who doesn't actually appreciate me for who i am. most of the time people look back at pictures and either get pissed off and delete them because they want to forget or feel remorse for losing what they had. it just made me realize how fucking amazing of a person i am. how fun i am and all that i gave up over the past two years. not any trivial bs like changing when i go to bed or regulating how much i drink or whatever. just myself. my sense of pride and the confidence i've always had. my go get 'em/take on the world attitude. i invested all of that in something i thought would turn out to be beautiful and well... that doesn't always happen. i'll be damned if i let someone make me feel bad about who i am though, when i know i've been sincere, sweet, understanding, forgiving, and honest. never. again. i'm not taking the hit for someone else's fucked up life and morals, insecurities, and just all around cruel heart.
i had thought it was my fault. that i failed him. maybe bored him. wasn't good enough. was too hard on him. ahhh, but what a wonderful thing hindsight is. i forgave enough. i listened enough. i tried to talk it out enough. i trusted enough. hell, i went beyond my duties of trusting after what i'd been put through. i was loving. i was sweet. i made sacrifices. i was thoughtful. i was affectionate. it just wasn't gonna happen. he didn't feel what i felt and if he did that's a shame because it was the most pathetic attempt at showing it i've ever experienced. after being deep in something for so long you start to think it's standard. fuck that. if you love someone, you kiss them like you won't see them again and MEAN it. you listen when they want to talk about how to solve a problem, and you work it out. you don't hold grudges like you're in second grade and stubborn. god, and when you hold them it should be tight enough to feel it. you tell the honest truth even if it might not be everything they want to hear. then you even it out so both of you are happy. you baby each other, not some one-sided mess of affection and thoughtful actions and work traded for the occasional paid bill especially if you're going to hold the financial courtesies against the other. you don't lie and try to play it off as different word choices that work to your advantage. you don't fucking cheat. you don't promise things that you can never feel or hold yourself to. you don't tell someone the same sweet things that you tell to a past mistake. you don't tell your friends things that aren't true to make the other one look like a thief and a psycho. you be a fucking grown up and you take care of eachother because that's what love is and you genuinely want to do it.
holy rant. hopefully that's the last time i'll ever have to ponder that and when i come back to read this i shall think "what in the hell was i doing for all that time?"
it seems so ridiculous that i could lose myself in someone for such a long time and allow myself to be disappointed every day. to be lied to. to be in love with someone who doesn't actually appreciate me for who i am. most of the time people look back at pictures and either get pissed off and delete them because they want to forget or feel remorse for losing what they had. it just made me realize how fucking amazing of a person i am. how fun i am and all that i gave up over the past two years. not any trivial bs like changing when i go to bed or regulating how much i drink or whatever. just myself. my sense of pride and the confidence i've always had. my go get 'em/take on the world attitude. i invested all of that in something i thought would turn out to be beautiful and well... that doesn't always happen. i'll be damned if i let someone make me feel bad about who i am though, when i know i've been sincere, sweet, understanding, forgiving, and honest. never. again. i'm not taking the hit for someone else's fucked up life and morals, insecurities, and just all around cruel heart.
i had thought it was my fault. that i failed him. maybe bored him. wasn't good enough. was too hard on him. ahhh, but what a wonderful thing hindsight is. i forgave enough. i listened enough. i tried to talk it out enough. i trusted enough. hell, i went beyond my duties of trusting after what i'd been put through. i was loving. i was sweet. i made sacrifices. i was thoughtful. i was affectionate. it just wasn't gonna happen. he didn't feel what i felt and if he did that's a shame because it was the most pathetic attempt at showing it i've ever experienced. after being deep in something for so long you start to think it's standard. fuck that. if you love someone, you kiss them like you won't see them again and MEAN it. you listen when they want to talk about how to solve a problem, and you work it out. you don't hold grudges like you're in second grade and stubborn. god, and when you hold them it should be tight enough to feel it. you tell the honest truth even if it might not be everything they want to hear. then you even it out so both of you are happy. you baby each other, not some one-sided mess of affection and thoughtful actions and work traded for the occasional paid bill especially if you're going to hold the financial courtesies against the other. you don't lie and try to play it off as different word choices that work to your advantage. you don't fucking cheat. you don't promise things that you can never feel or hold yourself to. you don't tell someone the same sweet things that you tell to a past mistake. you don't tell your friends things that aren't true to make the other one look like a thief and a psycho. you be a fucking grown up and you take care of eachother because that's what love is and you genuinely want to do it.
holy rant. hopefully that's the last time i'll ever have to ponder that and when i come back to read this i shall think "what in the hell was i doing for all that time?"