VIII
Hello, everybody! Grandpa Rome here! I just wanted to make a friendly announcement to the neighborhood about one of our newcomers. He goes by the name of Germania, and in the interest of our happy little community, I'd just like to clear a few things up about him! Everybody pay attention now~
First of all: don't panic if you see him. I know he looks like a terrifying, unwashed, pig-molesting eunuch, but I assure you this is merely a misconception. He is not a eunuch. Well, maybe you should panic a little; he has been known to randomly attack people at the drop of hat for no real reason. The proper, safe response upon meeting Germania is to immediately make for the nearest vantage point, ideally while throwing any kind of rocks or sharp projectiles you can get your hands on at him. Whatever you do, do not attempt to "play dead", as he is too poor to afford real food and has been known to eat corpses.
Occasionally, you may notice Germania attempting to initiate sexual congress with animals, usually dogs. Do not be disturbed! This is normal behavior for Germania. You see, Germanic women are notoriously ugly, often resembling animals themselves. Thus it is not uncommon for a Germanic man to fail to tell the difference between a human woman and a common barnyard animal. If you see him in your yard attempting to sexually harass your pets, simply throw a bucket of water on him. In fact, it's usually best to throw a bucket of water on him whenever you see him, just in case! For best results, heat the water until boiling.
Lastly, you may have heard some rumors about how Germania and I used to be friends, or that he killed me. I assure you, these allegations are completely false! We were never friends. It's true that he followed me around everywhere I went, not unlike a lost puppy, but that was the extent of our relationship. As for my death, I actually died when I choked on a grape, and Germania simply stole all the credit.
That's all I wanted to say! Keep these things in mind, and you will find that you emerge from your first experience meeting Germania with only a bit of mental trauma and emotional scarring. Eventually, you too will become used to his nauseating presence, and then you can simply pretend he doesn't exist. Trust me, it isn't that difficult. That's all for now, so see ya later, folks!
Wait, did I mention the smell? I should probably talk about the smell.
First of all: don't panic if you see him. I know he looks like a terrifying, unwashed, pig-molesting eunuch, but I assure you this is merely a misconception. He is not a eunuch. Well, maybe you should panic a little; he has been known to randomly attack people at the drop of hat for no real reason. The proper, safe response upon meeting Germania is to immediately make for the nearest vantage point, ideally while throwing any kind of rocks or sharp projectiles you can get your hands on at him. Whatever you do, do not attempt to "play dead", as he is too poor to afford real food and has been known to eat corpses.
Occasionally, you may notice Germania attempting to initiate sexual congress with animals, usually dogs. Do not be disturbed! This is normal behavior for Germania. You see, Germanic women are notoriously ugly, often resembling animals themselves. Thus it is not uncommon for a Germanic man to fail to tell the difference between a human woman and a common barnyard animal. If you see him in your yard attempting to sexually harass your pets, simply throw a bucket of water on him. In fact, it's usually best to throw a bucket of water on him whenever you see him, just in case! For best results, heat the water until boiling.
Lastly, you may have heard some rumors about how Germania and I used to be friends, or that he killed me. I assure you, these allegations are completely false! We were never friends. It's true that he followed me around everywhere I went, not unlike a lost puppy, but that was the extent of our relationship. As for my death, I actually died when I choked on a grape, and Germania simply stole all the credit.
That's all I wanted to say! Keep these things in mind, and you will find that you emerge from your first experience meeting Germania with only a bit of mental trauma and emotional scarring. Eventually, you too will become used to his nauseating presence, and then you can simply pretend he doesn't exist. Trust me, it isn't that difficult. That's all for now, so see ya later, folks!
Wait, did I mention the smell? I should probably talk about the smell.