SHHHHHHHHH.
Minute by minute, here's how I'm feeling:
-- Christina just called me and she was talking SO LOUD and I have such a horrbile hangover headache that I had to get off the phone with her. Because she was being so loud.
-- Alison (who I work with) gave me an issue of BARK magazine and it's all about dogs. There's two page of reader dog photos called "Smiling Dogs". I just stared at it and found myself smiling, looking at all these dogs. I highly suggest looking at pictures of smiling dogs if you're feeling crappy. It totally brightened up my day. I'm going to make Wells let me do a program at the end of the semester for stress relief where I just bring some dogs in and girls can pet them. I think this is a brilliant idea.
-- I stink realy bad b/c I was still drunk when I woke up this morning. Too drunk, in fact, to take a shower. Actually, right now, the world is spinning and I'm contemplating hiding in the bathroom and taking a nap. Chris just came in and told me this means I have a drinking problem.
-- I slept on the couch last night b/c Chris kicked me out of her bed b/c, after hanging out on the porch drinking with my next door neighbor for, like, 3 hours, I ran into the bedroom, picked her up by her sports bra, and yelled, "You have to have sex with me now." And when she said no, she was sleeping, I told her to eat shit and die. At which point she kicked me out of the bed. It was probably a good idea.
-- I'm listening to Gillian Welch's "Time (the revelator)" album which I just love love love. It's music for how I feel today. She's a brilliant songwriter and singer and I want her new album, "Soul Journey".
-- When I "woke" up this morning, I emerged from my stupor long enough to realize how absolutely beautiful the light was coming in from this start-winter rainstorm. I love rainy days and I love the grey light that fills a house and makes it more illuminated than bright sunshine. It is the best kind of light.
-- I ran into this girl at the bar a few days ago and had a quick conversation with her and thought she was real cool and wanted to invite her back to my house to hang out, but I chickened out because sometimes I can be so painfully socially awkward. And now I can't stop thinking about her -- I think, because, I can't stop thinking about what an awkward social idiot I was. She's probably totally forgotten and all I can do is keep replaying my idiocy.
-- I think I like drinking because I can forget things that are everyday and allow myself to really feel stuff instead of occupying my mind with bills and tasks.
-- I want to start drawing again, but there is a BIG HUGE SCARY MONSTER holding my hand aaway from the page and I'm so afraid to start. I'm afraid because I want everything I do to be completely fabulous -- I'm scared of failing. I'm afraid of making something mediocre. Mediocrity is a monster. I purposely got rid of/used up all the paper in my house. Now I have no paper. How we hurt ourselves.
-- My ex girlfriend from highschool emailed me back. And now I'm freaking out. I sent an email out into the universe with assumption it we dumped in some great cyber-dead letter yard but no, apparently, she is the only person on earth who has had the same email address for 8 motherfucking years. Now, I have to take action. My bark is bigger than my bite.
-- I HATE the L-word. It is the stupidest show and if I had seen it before I came out, I might rethink lesbians. The reasons I hate the L-Word are so many that I don't even want to open that can of worms right now.
-- The last place I want to be right now is this pottery studio. There is not a comfortable chair in the ENTIRE store. My whole body hurts and I'm sitting in a wooden kitchen chair.
-- I think I hide from art in craft. I'm great at crafts, everything I make is superlative . .. . and meaningless. Totally meaningless. I'm afraid that if I start making art again, I might have to confront feeling I can't even verbalize. There's a threshold of feeling where I won't allow myself to get any more intense . . .any more happy, any more depressed. Because I've been to that too-intense place, and it consumes my life up. I am unable to feel and live. I have to wrestle these things out.
-- Sometimes, life's too much. It's too saturated and I want to interpret it. There's a drive to sort everything out and interpret it . . . to take that life-raw-material and organize it into something palatable and lasting . . . feelings/moments/stuff is too transient.
-- I have to stop writing. My headache is so bad that I can't look at the screen anymore.
-- Christina just called me and she was talking SO LOUD and I have such a horrbile hangover headache that I had to get off the phone with her. Because she was being so loud.
-- Alison (who I work with) gave me an issue of BARK magazine and it's all about dogs. There's two page of reader dog photos called "Smiling Dogs". I just stared at it and found myself smiling, looking at all these dogs. I highly suggest looking at pictures of smiling dogs if you're feeling crappy. It totally brightened up my day. I'm going to make Wells let me do a program at the end of the semester for stress relief where I just bring some dogs in and girls can pet them. I think this is a brilliant idea.
-- I stink realy bad b/c I was still drunk when I woke up this morning. Too drunk, in fact, to take a shower. Actually, right now, the world is spinning and I'm contemplating hiding in the bathroom and taking a nap. Chris just came in and told me this means I have a drinking problem.
-- I slept on the couch last night b/c Chris kicked me out of her bed b/c, after hanging out on the porch drinking with my next door neighbor for, like, 3 hours, I ran into the bedroom, picked her up by her sports bra, and yelled, "You have to have sex with me now." And when she said no, she was sleeping, I told her to eat shit and die. At which point she kicked me out of the bed. It was probably a good idea.
-- I'm listening to Gillian Welch's "Time (the revelator)" album which I just love love love. It's music for how I feel today. She's a brilliant songwriter and singer and I want her new album, "Soul Journey".
-- When I "woke" up this morning, I emerged from my stupor long enough to realize how absolutely beautiful the light was coming in from this start-winter rainstorm. I love rainy days and I love the grey light that fills a house and makes it more illuminated than bright sunshine. It is the best kind of light.
-- I ran into this girl at the bar a few days ago and had a quick conversation with her and thought she was real cool and wanted to invite her back to my house to hang out, but I chickened out because sometimes I can be so painfully socially awkward. And now I can't stop thinking about her -- I think, because, I can't stop thinking about what an awkward social idiot I was. She's probably totally forgotten and all I can do is keep replaying my idiocy.
-- I think I like drinking because I can forget things that are everyday and allow myself to really feel stuff instead of occupying my mind with bills and tasks.
-- I want to start drawing again, but there is a BIG HUGE SCARY MONSTER holding my hand aaway from the page and I'm so afraid to start. I'm afraid because I want everything I do to be completely fabulous -- I'm scared of failing. I'm afraid of making something mediocre. Mediocrity is a monster. I purposely got rid of/used up all the paper in my house. Now I have no paper. How we hurt ourselves.
-- My ex girlfriend from highschool emailed me back. And now I'm freaking out. I sent an email out into the universe with assumption it we dumped in some great cyber-dead letter yard but no, apparently, she is the only person on earth who has had the same email address for 8 motherfucking years. Now, I have to take action. My bark is bigger than my bite.
-- I HATE the L-word. It is the stupidest show and if I had seen it before I came out, I might rethink lesbians. The reasons I hate the L-Word are so many that I don't even want to open that can of worms right now.
-- The last place I want to be right now is this pottery studio. There is not a comfortable chair in the ENTIRE store. My whole body hurts and I'm sitting in a wooden kitchen chair.
-- I think I hide from art in craft. I'm great at crafts, everything I make is superlative . .. . and meaningless. Totally meaningless. I'm afraid that if I start making art again, I might have to confront feeling I can't even verbalize. There's a threshold of feeling where I won't allow myself to get any more intense . . .any more happy, any more depressed. Because I've been to that too-intense place, and it consumes my life up. I am unable to feel and live. I have to wrestle these things out.
-- Sometimes, life's too much. It's too saturated and I want to interpret it. There's a drive to sort everything out and interpret it . . . to take that life-raw-material and organize it into something palatable and lasting . . . feelings/moments/stuff is too transient.
-- I have to stop writing. My headache is so bad that I can't look at the screen anymore.