Mar 26, 2003 23:30
I'm hoping one day that i will be able to get all my journals together and write a novel. maybe this one will look like a novel by the time i'm through. or maybe one day i'll be famous and after i die someone else will find them and publish them and then everyone will say, so that's what she was like as a teen? that would be so cool. i always dream about being famous and stuff and then i think maybe i shouldn't worry about things like that and i should think about godly things. the song on the radio right now is really good. sorry well about godly things: i just want to give up at this point. i'm tired of convincing myself to beleive in god. if i have to try this hard then i must not really be convinced. or maybe i really do believe and i'm trying to convince myself not to because it takes a lot of work to be a christian. i was trying to figure out if i decided not to believe in god if i would believe in some other great power or if i would just become athiest. i still don't know. i keep debating on whether or not to keep thinking about it or if i should just wait until i'm not a teen anymore and my hormones and emotions will be more what they are supposed to be. you know i hope some psycologist analyzes this one day and comes up with some kind of personality for me. i wonder if he would portray me as i really am . or maybe i don't know who i really am. i mean - once all the influences from other people are removed, what's left? am i still who i am or do i become someone totally different? i wish it were possible to see what your life would be like if you made a different decision. like that movie - it's a wonderful life - i wonder what things would be like without me. that's just one of those perplexing thoughts that we won't have an answer to. you could say that if i weren't born then everything i came into contact with would be different, but maybe someone else would come along and fill my niche anyway so things would be about the same. who knows? ... time is very strange. we are always rushing and stuff but that doesn't make much sense. we are the only ones who set deadlines for everything. even the greater power doesn't make deadlines. of course we're going to die, but we don't have to get a certain quota of things done. the world has said that people should travel and make money and meet people, but what benefit is that to us? i would much rather not worry about anything. i could live in a little village growing my own food and making my own clothers and hauling water from the river. i could spend my whole day doing things for survival. that's what the animals do. and why is survival such a big deal? what good is it to live if you don't accomplish anything? what good is it to accomplish things if you're not going to live? i guess that's where religion and crap came from: someone's always trying to find a reason for existence. the whole god thing works out pretty well but it's nearly incomprehensible. the fact that something can have always and will always exist is just out there. maybe it's true, but it's out there. another thing that i find really odd is that god loves us beyond everything. he loves everyone. yet only a small percentage of the population is christian. and of those that are christian even a smaller percent are those that are true practicing while the otheres just put on a show for other people to see. plus if he loves us so much why doesn't he give us a little more guidance? a parent wouldn't be very good if they never disciplined. we don't get any discipline from god until the very end. unless maybe saddness, anger, and guilt or feelings like worldly suffering are a result of god's discipline. but if we don't know for sure then what good is it? maybe god is some kind of force that looks out for our being. because what we find the in the bible is the correct way to live and probably the healthiest way to live as well. i don't understand why jesus came then he did and why he only came once and why when he comes back again it's over. plus isn't it weird that there are so many denominations of the church. if the word can be interpreted in that many ways, then it doesn't seem to be a very solid religion. i want to learn about other religions and how they fit in with each other.