this is nothing like they promised
I actually searched around online looking at jobs. Jobs that did not include kids, grading, taking work home from work. I hate that I don't like what I have chosen as my profession. Yes looking at the salaries of these jobs made me like mine... but I would much rather have a pay cut and feel like I had time to actually see my friends. I hardly check my email (other than work and there is never anything exciting in there), I don't go out on week nights, and all I want to do all of the time is sleep. I look at my coworkers and they seem to enjoy what they do and I just don't. Yes I know that the first year is the hardest. I am just tired of hearing that. I want a job where I am happy and not stressed for every minute of every day. I don't want to spend every Sunday slowing feeling the stress rise up and consume me. I don't want to wake up in the mornings feeling sick. And I thought I wanted this job... well not this job specifically (oh how listening to my gut would have saved me from all of this). But I am in it now and I feel like even if I really wanted to get out I need to stay until the end of the school year. And then I am sure everyone will say "you made it through the first one, the second will be much easier". I had always wanted to work with kids... and now I am doubting everything. The long weekend has been great... but I hate to think what I would be willing to give up to have an office job. I feel like I have two completely different mindsets within myself. The office minded one that would be completely content filing for 8 hours a day, and the one that used to want to work with kids. Uhg. I don't want my feelings toward work to affect my relationship with Jon and I am thinking that it is. I don't want to talk about work because I don't like it and will focus on the difficult things. Which I am sure gets him frustrated because I did go to school forever to do what I am doing and now I am not enjoying it. I almost feel like he doesn't understand the amount of stress that I feel and how that stress fucks up my entire way of life. And when I tried to compare it to his giving a best man speech at his brothers wedding, he totally tried to play down what I feel. That his was worse because of the amount of people and the fact that they would create an opinion about what he said. Well I not only have to deal with the kids but their parents as well. Not to mention my coworkers and the administration. Oh and the district could be added in there as well since they have been doing walk throughs. I don't want to disappoint him or my family... even though my parents have told me that whatever I decide to do is fine with them. It is my life and I have to be happy. I don't know. I did do well on my first evaluation so that is good. I am just very curious if they will even have a space for me next year. And honestly that would help solve my problem of not liking work... at all. But I have to hold out for another five months or 95 days... however I am willing to look at it... not sure which one seems shorter at the moment. I guess I have ranted enough. I still have school work to finish.