Audio

[whattheytellyou]

[Friends Filter**]I need to sort a few things out, so forgive me if I ramble. Maybe a solution will present itself. Or maybe someone has some insight that would be useful

Comments

Private

[whattheytellyou]

It wasn't really an accusation of how others behave here, you know. I'm analyzing myself just as much as anyone else.

I'm thinking about leaving, like I said. I don't know if it's as bad as I think it is, or if I'm just overreacting. I...

It's as bad as I think it is. It's not healthy, and I need to help myself if I want to help Amanda.

Private

[whattheytellyou]

I think I'm engaging in dangerous behavior. It's...complicated. I'm not drinking, I'm not...taking narcotics. But it's risky behavior nonetheless, and it's not like me.

I just don't know if it's as bad as I think it is, or if I can move past it without leaving without replacing it with behavior that might be more destructive.

Private

[whattheytellyou]

I don't think anyone has had this particular problem, Neil. Not in a long time, at least.

In any case, it's not something I want to talk about on the network. Thanks, though.

Private

[whattheytellyou]

What problem is that? Unless you're just as reluctant to talk about it as I am, of course.

Private

[whattheytellyou]

I think part of my problem is...Don't take this wrong, Neil. I like a lot of people here. I respect you all. But while there are people on the Barge who'll give me a drink and pat me on the back and listen to my sob story, there's no one with whom I feel comfortable enough to discuss this. We're friendly, but we're not friends.

That's part of the reason I'm thinking of going home.

Private

[whattheytellyou]

I'd come back. I have an obligation to Amanda. She needs a warden who won't quit - and I never quit.

You don't know how relieved I am that you understand, though. Regardless of what I decide to do, it's comforting to know I'm not just running myself in circles and seeking the wrong solutions.

Private

[whattheytellyou]

I have my work.

[...And that's about it. :C]

Private

[whattheytellyou]

...I've never felt quite so self-conscious about my life. I like to think I'm successful, I have good friends -

[A beat, then a rueful laugh:]

I think I've got enough problems on my plate without a midlife crisis.