"Whaddya want me to do, tell you you'll do fine?"
May 02, 2009
“Indeed. It’s also called “gone”, as that’s now where it is. (Minus the coffee, which is hot, delicious, and very There.)
So, I was pondering. You know what I was pondering pinky? (I think we should take over the world!) I was thinking that, let’s say, hypothetically, someone eats a lot of eggs one morning (point in case me, but we were speaking hypothetically) and they wonder “why, I ate a lot of eggs this morning, didn’t I? Does that mean I now have more eggs to give birth to? and if, say, these eggs were somehow spontaneously fertilized (and this is where the hypotheticalness ends, as everybody knows that when people are speaking hypothetically, they aren’t really speaking hypothetically) would I, by chance, give birth to things that were Not Entirely Human? Per se, chicken and human? If it were chicken eggs I consumed in great number this morning and which were (hypothetically, but really hypothetically this time as I have not, can not and will not inseminate chickens, nor be inseminated by them) magically fertilized?”
And that is what I was pondering.”
--
“…There may or may not have been an exchange of some Scrupulous and Dastardly whispering and exchanging of things when the woman at Dunkin Doughnuts handed me my coffee (as in, the things being exchanged were more than the seemingly innocent money and caramel latter. ie; poor, unsuspecting victim receives more than she bargains for when paying for her 2.99 medium caramel latte, as she, instead of getting only one shot - of caramel - got two for the price of one and the other was something more than Just Caramel. It sounds a tad unlikely, no? But then, I always did think the weird, accented serving women at anyplace never did like me (for reasons herefore untold, as I know nothing of why they dislike me, only the distinct impression that they do. - Am I a vampire? Or somesuch other supernatural being who causes intense dislike and secretive drugging to occur upon meeting?)
Perhaps I am drunk.”
--
“The word “futzing” makes me think of Private Things and Strange Noises I’ve always alluded to the act of “doing taxes”, as it were, and so conjured up images I rather wished it hadn’t. My mental eyes (all ten pairs of them. How many is that?) applaud you. (And taking a page out of that radical!van guy’s book today, on which he scribbled “get = kill” on the back of his van, I equate “applaud” with the same kind of verb.)”
--
“By the Angel, I am drunk! Or just incredibly surprised that the sky is now blue instead of a hideous, boring gray. (Unless, of course, it is actually still gray, which makes me think I may be in need of an eye check up before being admitted to rehab.”
--
“The devil! I told him doing something so catastrophic was never the way to go about things, but then, when has he ever listened to me? Sure, gain some points with the Big Boss. But wipe out Broadway? Oh, no.”
--
“LaGuardia, nonstop to Baltimore (BMI)” (advertisement).
Where is Baltimore, anyway? Maryland? And what’s with the BMI? Bikini Men’s Inauguration? And why would that be held in Baltimore (which, I have a pressing suspicion, is not, in fact, in Maryland) of all places? Is it There?”
* edit: Baltimore is, in fact, in Maryland, after all. (thank you, ace of cakes)
--
“And no, I don’t think so. (Then again, what do I know? If I’ve never been drunk in my whole life and thus do not know what it feels like to be properly drunk, how am I to know I haven’t just been drunk my entire life, and that my entire life* was…is nothing more than one, big drunken, er...hallucination?)
* RNB (Redundant But Necessary)
--
“No, the correct response was: “that wasn’t even remotely understandable*.”
And that song was (and still is) stuck in my head, too.
* Stan says hi. (No, that doesn’t say “Satan”, but it looks like it, dunnit?) Also, random fact: when I was a child, I had the unfortunate reaction of always mixing up the words “satin” and “Satan”** so I possibly once asked my mother (the kangaroo) to buy me “Satan sheets” and may or may not have owned a pair of “Satan pajamas.”
** True story.
--
“Thanks for the memo. I’ll remember to go out and buy an umbrella so as not to get wet further. (After the initial soaking I’ll receive from venturing out of Warm, Dry House into Cold, Wet, Unforgiving, Infernal Nastiness That Is Rain to buy it in the first place.)
But then I’ll be dry.”
--
(Blondie) “There is “Buddhism to go” at a Tokyo bar. Is that anything like a McDonald’s to go?”
(Agni) “I believe it may be, actually. Only, instead of a large Number One plus a coke and fries, you get a large Number One plus a coke and fries WITH special edition Buddha action figure who recites the four (or was it eight? Five?) principles of Buddhism when you try to consume it, as well.”
(Blondie) “Also, when you attempt the consumption of Your Very Own Mini Buddha* it scolds you in a very gentle manner and tells you to please, sit by a tree and become Enlightened. And that if you attempt the consumption of Buddha, choking may be involved.
* Not for children under age of 3. For these young children, Your Very Large Non-choke-on-able Buddha is available.”
(Agni) “Ah, that’s what they gave me then. I couldn’t help but wonder if they had issues with sizing the things. (Though, really, was it necessary for me to get not only the Very Large Non-Choke-On-Able Buddha, but a Very-Small-And-Very-Patronizing-And-Very-Obviously-Downsized version of the Large Number One* plus fries and a coke?
* And I get the distinct impression that not ALL customers receive, when they order a Large Number One (with the customary fries and coke), an actual inflatable numeris unis. (Unless of course I was mistaken and you were always to receive such a thing. Could just be me, though. Those weird, accented serving ladies, you know.)”
(Blondie) “The ones who drugged you*. And also, I happen to be GOING to McDonald’s tomorrow, and if I see a fat, enlightened-looking man anywhere, a lot of me is going to die inside.
* with drugs.
(Agni) “Drug me with drugs? But….I was under the impression* that they were drugging me with Things That Look And Smell And Act** Like Drugs But Are Not Really Drugs At All.
* it was distinct.
** ah, see, this is where you know they are not, as everybody knows drugs can’t act.
* not literally, unfortunately. That would've been too nice of them.
** not that I'll ever KNOW of course, since the AP board seems to take great pride in shielding all possible breaking-downs of results from us and instead just lump us all with either a 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5.
*** minus the Mandatory Shades, unfortunately. I happened to lose mine out on the water last summer and haven't found time 9or money) to replace them. Though i was looking today, it seemed everytime I went and found a pair I either a) had to leave b) had already paid and were about to leave or c) didn't have money enough to pay for them. (though of course I could've went out in truly Crowley Fashion and just stolen them, I have the annoying unfortunate...cy to be stuck with a Conscience.
“Indeed. It’s also called “gone”, as that’s now where it is. (Minus the coffee, which is hot, delicious, and very There.)
So, I was pondering. You know what I was pondering pinky? (I think we should take over the world!) I was thinking that, let’s say, hypothetically, someone eats a lot of eggs one morning (point in case me, but we were speaking hypothetically) and they wonder “why, I ate a lot of eggs this morning, didn’t I? Does that mean I now have more eggs to give birth to? and if, say, these eggs were somehow spontaneously fertilized (and this is where the hypotheticalness ends, as everybody knows that when people are speaking hypothetically, they aren’t really speaking hypothetically) would I, by chance, give birth to things that were Not Entirely Human? Per se, chicken and human? If it were chicken eggs I consumed in great number this morning and which were (hypothetically, but really hypothetically this time as I have not, can not and will not inseminate chickens, nor be inseminated by them) magically fertilized?”
And that is what I was pondering.”
--
“…There may or may not have been an exchange of some Scrupulous and Dastardly whispering and exchanging of things when the woman at Dunkin Doughnuts handed me my coffee (as in, the things being exchanged were more than the seemingly innocent money and caramel latter. ie; poor, unsuspecting victim receives more than she bargains for when paying for her 2.99 medium caramel latte, as she, instead of getting only one shot - of caramel - got two for the price of one and the other was something more than Just Caramel. It sounds a tad unlikely, no? But then, I always did think the weird, accented serving women at anyplace never did like me (for reasons herefore untold, as I know nothing of why they dislike me, only the distinct impression that they do. - Am I a vampire? Or somesuch other supernatural being who causes intense dislike and secretive drugging to occur upon meeting?)
Perhaps I am drunk.”
--
“The word “futzing” makes me think of Private Things and Strange Noises I’ve always alluded to the act of “doing taxes”, as it were, and so conjured up images I rather wished it hadn’t. My mental eyes (all ten pairs of them. How many is that?) applaud you. (And taking a page out of that radical!van guy’s book today, on which he scribbled “get = kill” on the back of his van, I equate “applaud” with the same kind of verb.)”
--
“By the Angel, I am drunk! Or just incredibly surprised that the sky is now blue instead of a hideous, boring gray. (Unless, of course, it is actually still gray, which makes me think I may be in need of an eye check up before being admitted to rehab.”
--
“The devil! I told him doing something so catastrophic was never the way to go about things, but then, when has he ever listened to me? Sure, gain some points with the Big Boss. But wipe out Broadway? Oh, no.”
--
“LaGuardia, nonstop to Baltimore (BMI)” (advertisement).
Where is Baltimore, anyway? Maryland? And what’s with the BMI? Bikini Men’s Inauguration? And why would that be held in Baltimore (which, I have a pressing suspicion, is not, in fact, in Maryland) of all places? Is it There?”
* edit: Baltimore is, in fact, in Maryland, after all. (thank you, ace of cakes)
--
“And no, I don’t think so. (Then again, what do I know? If I’ve never been drunk in my whole life and thus do not know what it feels like to be properly drunk, how am I to know I haven’t just been drunk my entire life, and that my entire life* was…is nothing more than one, big drunken, er...hallucination?)
* RNB (Redundant But Necessary)
--
“No, the correct response was: “that wasn’t even remotely understandable*.”
And that song was (and still is) stuck in my head, too.
* Stan says hi. (No, that doesn’t say “Satan”, but it looks like it, dunnit?) Also, random fact: when I was a child, I had the unfortunate reaction of always mixing up the words “satin” and “Satan”** so I possibly once asked my mother (the kangaroo) to buy me “Satan sheets” and may or may not have owned a pair of “Satan pajamas.”
** True story.
--
“Thanks for the memo. I’ll remember to go out and buy an umbrella so as not to get wet further. (After the initial soaking I’ll receive from venturing out of Warm, Dry House into Cold, Wet, Unforgiving, Infernal Nastiness That Is Rain to buy it in the first place.)
But then I’ll be dry.”
--
(Blondie) “There is “Buddhism to go” at a Tokyo bar. Is that anything like a McDonald’s to go?”
(Agni) “I believe it may be, actually. Only, instead of a large Number One plus a coke and fries, you get a large Number One plus a coke and fries WITH special edition Buddha action figure who recites the four (or was it eight? Five?) principles of Buddhism when you try to consume it, as well.”
(Blondie) “Also, when you attempt the consumption of Your Very Own Mini Buddha* it scolds you in a very gentle manner and tells you to please, sit by a tree and become Enlightened. And that if you attempt the consumption of Buddha, choking may be involved.
* Not for children under age of 3. For these young children, Your Very Large Non-choke-on-able Buddha is available.”
(Agni) “Ah, that’s what they gave me then. I couldn’t help but wonder if they had issues with sizing the things. (Though, really, was it necessary for me to get not only the Very Large Non-Choke-On-Able Buddha, but a Very-Small-And-Very-Patronizing-And-Very-Obviously-Downsized version of the Large Number One* plus fries and a coke?
* And I get the distinct impression that not ALL customers receive, when they order a Large Number One (with the customary fries and coke), an actual inflatable numeris unis. (Unless of course I was mistaken and you were always to receive such a thing. Could just be me, though. Those weird, accented serving ladies, you know.)”
(Blondie) “The ones who drugged you*. And also, I happen to be GOING to McDonald’s tomorrow, and if I see a fat, enlightened-looking man anywhere, a lot of me is going to die inside.
* with drugs.
(Agni) “Drug me with drugs? But….I was under the impression* that they were drugging me with Things That Look And Smell And Act** Like Drugs But Are Not Really Drugs At All.
* it was distinct.
** ah, see, this is where you know they are not, as everybody knows drugs can’t act.
* not literally, unfortunately. That would've been too nice of them.
** not that I'll ever KNOW of course, since the AP board seems to take great pride in shielding all possible breaking-downs of results from us and instead just lump us all with either a 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5.
*** minus the Mandatory Shades, unfortunately. I happened to lose mine out on the water last summer and haven't found time 9or money) to replace them. Though i was looking today, it seemed everytime I went and found a pair I either a) had to leave b) had already paid and were about to leave or c) didn't have money enough to pay for them. (though of course I could've went out in truly Crowley Fashion and just stolen them, I have the annoying unfortunate...cy to be stuck with a Conscience.