burn the pictures in my mind.. take everything away from me.. cuz you don't exist if i don't see
some interesting things have come around since the last time i updated--
first off.. i am still having anxiety issues... today and yesterday being a good example. I get very scared about going to class... scared i will fail .. i really need to be able to accept the fact that failure is ok .. and part of the learning process... i am ok w. failure in other parts of my life.. not getting cast.. getting a step wrong.. how come i don't have extreme anxiety about rehearsals too?
secondly-- i abso-fucking-lutely have to loose weight. and start working out.. problem is @ CUA in the summer.. there isn't really a gym.. and it is hot has HADES outside.. which even though i'm not sure i have asthma.. i still don't really wanna chance that shit. but i need to figure out something bc .. i weigh the most i have ever weighed in my life.. @ the time when i need to be in my peak shape. SO-- this is a goal.
I think w/ working out and dieting and such-- i have been setting ultimatums for myself.. which you know don't work... basically setting myself up to fail.. so i can be more upset about it... quite self-defeating...
going back and reading the entry.. i notice that i use phrases like.. "I really need to" and "have to"
these are all phrases that are ultimatums... which is exactly why i am still struggling w. both of those things... hmmm ?
ok so now onto the family things-- which i don't talk about much on here..but .. i am really upset about.. which i think is also feeding some of the anxiety..
so pretty sure my step-mom and dad are getting a divorce.. which makes sense if you know the circumstances.. but the thing is .. i'm not upset about the divorce bc i know that my step-mom and brother will still VERY much be in my family... and they will probably keep the house and everything.. But i am more upset about my dad..
first off this means he will be probably moving farther way.. which means i will see him less.. and i barely see him now..
AND i dont think it it fair @ all the way he has handled the entire situation w. me.. my brother OR my step-mom..
@ first he approached it very maturely .. but ever since then.. i have felt i sense of secretism.. and when he talks to me about things.. he is almost ashamed.. and i can sense regret in his voice..
WELL IF YOU ARE ASHAMED AND REGRETFUL.. ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE?!?!?!!?!?!?
also .. i got a phone call from my brother.. who was balling on the phone how much he missed my dad..
and i'm not ok w/ this either..
anyone who upsets my brother that much .. is not ok w/ me..
and its my dad.. but i love him .. and struggle w/ our relationship enough
ok .. well i am done writing about this...
exciting news: i think i kinda found a theme and closing song song for my recital: **Trust the Wind**
does that spark any material ideas??
let me know..
hahaha
love.
first off.. i am still having anxiety issues... today and yesterday being a good example. I get very scared about going to class... scared i will fail .. i really need to be able to accept the fact that failure is ok .. and part of the learning process... i am ok w. failure in other parts of my life.. not getting cast.. getting a step wrong.. how come i don't have extreme anxiety about rehearsals too?
secondly-- i abso-fucking-lutely have to loose weight. and start working out.. problem is @ CUA in the summer.. there isn't really a gym.. and it is hot has HADES outside.. which even though i'm not sure i have asthma.. i still don't really wanna chance that shit. but i need to figure out something bc .. i weigh the most i have ever weighed in my life.. @ the time when i need to be in my peak shape. SO-- this is a goal.
I think w/ working out and dieting and such-- i have been setting ultimatums for myself.. which you know don't work... basically setting myself up to fail.. so i can be more upset about it... quite self-defeating...
going back and reading the entry.. i notice that i use phrases like.. "I really need to" and "have to"
these are all phrases that are ultimatums... which is exactly why i am still struggling w. both of those things... hmmm ?
ok so now onto the family things-- which i don't talk about much on here..but .. i am really upset about.. which i think is also feeding some of the anxiety..
so pretty sure my step-mom and dad are getting a divorce.. which makes sense if you know the circumstances.. but the thing is .. i'm not upset about the divorce bc i know that my step-mom and brother will still VERY much be in my family... and they will probably keep the house and everything.. But i am more upset about my dad..
first off this means he will be probably moving farther way.. which means i will see him less.. and i barely see him now..
AND i dont think it it fair @ all the way he has handled the entire situation w. me.. my brother OR my step-mom..
@ first he approached it very maturely .. but ever since then.. i have felt i sense of secretism.. and when he talks to me about things.. he is almost ashamed.. and i can sense regret in his voice..
WELL IF YOU ARE ASHAMED AND REGRETFUL.. ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE?!?!?!!?!?!?
also .. i got a phone call from my brother.. who was balling on the phone how much he missed my dad..
and i'm not ok w/ this either..
anyone who upsets my brother that much .. is not ok w/ me..
and its my dad.. but i love him .. and struggle w/ our relationship enough
ok .. well i am done writing about this...
exciting news: i think i kinda found a theme and closing song song for my recital: **Trust the Wind**
does that spark any material ideas??
let me know..
hahaha
love.