Where am I???
I've never felt as bad as i did the other day. Well not really bad but sad, insulted, humillitated, just aweful.
It was in geography, our teacher was telling us that we needed to find someone to compare notes with and I turned to Katelyn as she was asking Brian to be her partner. Im not possitive who started it, i maybe asked her why she wouldnt be my parnter or something along the lines of that and whatever it was she replied, "Because Orlee, Your Stupid"
I accually felt as though shed slapped me. I only told her "you know what you dont know anything about me. You dont know that i was amoung the smartest in my class last year"...and the year before...and the year before...on and on. I dont want to seem concieted but its true. Before this year stupids not even a word that someone would think of using in the same sentance with me. I averaged around an 87 every term. I never got below a ... 68 ..and that was in band which i accually hated. And in French but the next term i got in the 90s anyways so that completly cancels it out.
Have I really been portraying myself as a ditz? Letting my marks drop on purpose? Or is it just whats happened, i had a fun summer and i got stupid? Maybe that would explain what i dropped FORTY percent in math. I dont know if ive said this before...but i was talkign to Anna the other day on the bus and when i told her that she was completly taken aback. Shocked, I was always the one who helped her in pretty much anything. She Fucking wrote in my yearbook that she didnt know how she would pass Grade 9 math without me there to reexplain everything to her.
My writing too, its gone down the drain. I used to take pride in what i wrote, it used to be amazing, i loved it i was proud to show it off. And this year i totally got slapped once again in the face at a direct refusal to let me join newspaper. Although that article i took pride in too. I guess im just aweful.
It's weird to me, ive never felt like this before.
I've also felt really contained lately, I haven been able to be myself at all lately. I remember the first time i went to haig, for my interview. I stepped into the building and felt a rush of excitement. I felt hyper, giddy, at home. I thought that that we the way i would always feel there. Like Myself, like i could jsut be free.
Thats not what happened though. Nobody I've met really knows who i am. Nobody really ever knew who i am. Except for Dara and Jo. Ally and Bailey used to also. but i havent seen them in almost i year. i miss them soo much. I miss who i was with them. Well Me. I had a group of friends who I was becomeing really close with. If any of them accually read this far i hope that they jsut skip this paragraph or read it. Whatever. You really dont like me anyways. At least thats how you seem. We decided one day that we were going to be like the Ace Gang. I was Jools. But that was friday. Fast forward to Monday, I was sick. Skip a day to the next morning, it was a CPD and i went on MSN right before i left for school. I saw this other persons name....***** aka Jools. I was soo heart broken. I felt betrayed. One of them came up with a good cover story but WTF. you gave someone else my nickname. So you know how that makes SOMEONE else feel? Then i hear them talking about a week later as im right there. They were talking about plans that theyd made for that friday night. Plans in which I supposofly there 5th member had not been invited to. Then i read their LJ and find out exactly what they were doing and then later did. So great, im not their friend anymore and they hardly even gave me a change. Doesnt that feel amazing. Haha
Ive met new people. 2 of them who i really want to get to know. I want them to be the two people who become my good high school friends who i can be myself around who i can tell anything. Who i love. Like Jo and Dezz but for school. I envy those who have realtionships with people. I was beginning to let loose the other day around one of them. I had fun. Alot of fun more than ive had in a while. Even with dezz the past few weeks i havent felt complelty myself. I wish i could but somethings holding me back i wish i knew i what. I wish....
Well i know what i wish.