so ya i guess im in store for an update.
So I guess I havent updated in almost a year. dunno why. But i can honestly say I feel like Im 500 years older than when I wrote last year. Lifes funny that way, time passes, a bunch of shit happens, and you end up feeling alot older than you did before. I guess what Im trying to say and am not articulating well is that at some point you look back on things that have happened and kind of laugh that you ever paid so much attention to them in the first place. They become these distant memories and all you can do is kind of smile in the ridiculousness and just be glad for everything you've learned from them.
Senior year has been everything it really needs to be so far. Ive learned alot about myself and about other people and had fun along the way. I think that I had certain hopes and expectations in love and within the department that just didnt seem to happen. I think I thought that senior year for me was going to be this time of me getting everything I finally wanted. I think I built up these hopes so much that when they didnt happen the fall was that much harder. Then i realized something. Senior year has been what it was supposed to be, a time to get in those life lessons before its too late. A time to learn everything that college hadnt taught me yet because its better to learn them here with the constant support of your friends than to learn it in that world out there. I thought Id grown up, but it was time for me to do alot of growing up.
I had my heart broken for the first time. Every other time that I was pining after someone or thought I was in love with someone I realize now was probably some type of love but maybe more infatuation. This time around it was closer, it was harsher, it wasnt pain from wanting a certain person from a distance or any of that other emo shit, it was having it, thinking and wanting so hard that youd found someone you really care about, and then have that person tell you that it just wasnt you. So instead of me accepting it and moving on I went back. time and time again because I was just so sure that that one singular time it would be different. And it never was. I kept thinking this time it'll change and they'll call or text me a million times like they used to. But it didnt change.
And I was just left trying to understand what was wrong with me. And then I realized nothing except that I kept coming back. People are so much easier than we give them credit for. When somebody says they dont want to be with you. they dont. its ok youll find somebody who does, but walk out with ur head up. DOnt go back and let them stroke their egos knowing how you still feel time and time again. And dont convince yourself that youre ok with whatever ounce of attention theyre willing to give you. Because youre not or at least Im not. I deserve better. I deserve to have someone wholeheartedly not because theyre drinking or lonely and need the attention Im so willing to give. So i guess what Im saying is I learned about having your heart broken and how you can really let a relationship with someone get into this gray area instead of keeping it purely black and white. I learned that I will never again settle for anything less than I deserve and that means not letting myself get back into situations that arent worth my time. its time to stop playing the victim, stop allowing things to happen to me only to talk incessantly about them later. Its about getting self-respect back when you need it most. Its about still believing that the next thing for you is already on its way and hoping that that thing will be better. Its about still believing in love. I havent given up yet.
So i guess i kind of had my heart broken twice this semester. I set myself up for getting something that i guess wasnt in the cards. And i wanted it so bad that I literally spent 6 months of my life preparing on an almost daily basis. comments and promises were made that just werent followed through on and it didnt work out. And once again I kind of put it on me. what did i not do, was i not prepared enough, talented enough, me enough. and then i realized that i was learning another really important lesson in life. sometimes theyre just not what u want and somebody else is and thats the name of the game. its not about how prepared someone is its about what someones looking for. its a hard lesson to learn that sometiems a director just doesnt want you. and i hadnt learned that one yet. i put so so much into this dept. into wanting them to see me, and then at some point you just stop wanting that validation. I realize now that theyve been good to me and sure i never got the huge thing but i had stuff to do the last couple years so it may sting but I also need to be grateful for the memories in the shows I was in.
i dunno what i was trying to prove but now i realize its time to stop trying to seek validation from a dept or parent or friends or anything really. you have to get it from yourself. so its time to start working on me again. On getting my headshots, getting my audition book together with my teacher and coach from the summer, and its time to realize that wagner isnt the be all and end all of theatre. And if they never really saw what i know I have to offer. thats ok too. well all find places that will.
So this is longwinded but hey its been a year! Next week is back to the wag one last time. Heres to spending it with my friends and hopefully learning some more things along the way. Im really thankful for the past couple months because sure it hurt alot but I know me more than i ever have before. and this new me is ready to take on anything anyone throws his way. so i guess what im saying is. bring it on bitches. im ready.
Senior year has been everything it really needs to be so far. Ive learned alot about myself and about other people and had fun along the way. I think that I had certain hopes and expectations in love and within the department that just didnt seem to happen. I think I thought that senior year for me was going to be this time of me getting everything I finally wanted. I think I built up these hopes so much that when they didnt happen the fall was that much harder. Then i realized something. Senior year has been what it was supposed to be, a time to get in those life lessons before its too late. A time to learn everything that college hadnt taught me yet because its better to learn them here with the constant support of your friends than to learn it in that world out there. I thought Id grown up, but it was time for me to do alot of growing up.
I had my heart broken for the first time. Every other time that I was pining after someone or thought I was in love with someone I realize now was probably some type of love but maybe more infatuation. This time around it was closer, it was harsher, it wasnt pain from wanting a certain person from a distance or any of that other emo shit, it was having it, thinking and wanting so hard that youd found someone you really care about, and then have that person tell you that it just wasnt you. So instead of me accepting it and moving on I went back. time and time again because I was just so sure that that one singular time it would be different. And it never was. I kept thinking this time it'll change and they'll call or text me a million times like they used to. But it didnt change.
And I was just left trying to understand what was wrong with me. And then I realized nothing except that I kept coming back. People are so much easier than we give them credit for. When somebody says they dont want to be with you. they dont. its ok youll find somebody who does, but walk out with ur head up. DOnt go back and let them stroke their egos knowing how you still feel time and time again. And dont convince yourself that youre ok with whatever ounce of attention theyre willing to give you. Because youre not or at least Im not. I deserve better. I deserve to have someone wholeheartedly not because theyre drinking or lonely and need the attention Im so willing to give. So i guess what Im saying is I learned about having your heart broken and how you can really let a relationship with someone get into this gray area instead of keeping it purely black and white. I learned that I will never again settle for anything less than I deserve and that means not letting myself get back into situations that arent worth my time. its time to stop playing the victim, stop allowing things to happen to me only to talk incessantly about them later. Its about getting self-respect back when you need it most. Its about still believing that the next thing for you is already on its way and hoping that that thing will be better. Its about still believing in love. I havent given up yet.
So i guess i kind of had my heart broken twice this semester. I set myself up for getting something that i guess wasnt in the cards. And i wanted it so bad that I literally spent 6 months of my life preparing on an almost daily basis. comments and promises were made that just werent followed through on and it didnt work out. And once again I kind of put it on me. what did i not do, was i not prepared enough, talented enough, me enough. and then i realized that i was learning another really important lesson in life. sometimes theyre just not what u want and somebody else is and thats the name of the game. its not about how prepared someone is its about what someones looking for. its a hard lesson to learn that sometiems a director just doesnt want you. and i hadnt learned that one yet. i put so so much into this dept. into wanting them to see me, and then at some point you just stop wanting that validation. I realize now that theyve been good to me and sure i never got the huge thing but i had stuff to do the last couple years so it may sting but I also need to be grateful for the memories in the shows I was in.
i dunno what i was trying to prove but now i realize its time to stop trying to seek validation from a dept or parent or friends or anything really. you have to get it from yourself. so its time to start working on me again. On getting my headshots, getting my audition book together with my teacher and coach from the summer, and its time to realize that wagner isnt the be all and end all of theatre. And if they never really saw what i know I have to offer. thats ok too. well all find places that will.
So this is longwinded but hey its been a year! Next week is back to the wag one last time. Heres to spending it with my friends and hopefully learning some more things along the way. Im really thankful for the past couple months because sure it hurt alot but I know me more than i ever have before. and this new me is ready to take on anything anyone throws his way. so i guess what im saying is. bring it on bitches. im ready.