(no subject)
I know its been forever but to tell you the truth I guess i havent had the urge to really write anything in a long time. I dont know why...last semester ended well, xmas break and london were great, and this semester is going AMAZINGLY and im so happy to be in Chess where i actually feel important and appreciated. And with all these things I guess i just didnt really have anything to say. I guess Im at a time in my life where I just feel like every moment is a change, some better and some worse. And these changes are what make life exciting and fulfilling and fun. Most importantly though Im learning. Im learning Ill never be the same boy who moved to NY 3 years ago and I learned that I never even want to be that boy anyway. I realize that Im beginning to care less and less what people think of me and even more importantly realizing that most people probably dont think anything of me but rather it is me putting these judgements on myself. Ive learned that I can survive on my own and cant wait to do that this summer when im living in the city...Ive learned that I dont need to be everyones friend and that if you dont like me thats ok and I need to learn to be more ok than that...Im learning that my art is really important to me more than i ever thought and that I love training and i love my lessons in the city and I cant wait to live in the city and just train hardcore this summer because I still have so much to learn! But with that knowledge that I have a lot to work on, I know not judge myself my work and to just do it no matter how stupid I look. But most of all Ive learned that I will never let anyone make me lose my dignity because at the end of the day that all I have. The people that i want to have feelings for me wont and I set myself up for this by falling for these people that arent right for me. ANd i know this and yet its hard to grasp. Ive learned that I love conversations that last till the early hours of the morning and that I love seeing the sun rise over the city. And lastly, ive learned that my dignity and self worth have to come from me...because as gena says at the end of the say we go to bed ALONE and i have to make that person happy. as she says i have to make me the center of my universe not some other person. How right she is..that lesson might take a little longer...Lessons not yet learned include punctuation and my overt need for material possesions to mask feelings of lonliness...but were getting there...growing up is scary and exciting and incredible and hard and tough and sad but the single most amazing thing Ive ever been through..Im so glad these people are on the ride with me...
-saro-
-saro-