(no subject)
James just called. didnt get to talk to him for long b/c he said the battery was going to die and then it did like 3 mins into the conversation. i miss him alot but i know im gonna have to break up with him. i cant keep doing this its driving me insane. i lose sleep over this. i feel like a pice of shit whenever i talk to him b/c hes always all i love you, i miss you and i say i miss you back but i dont think hes caught on to the fact that i havent said i love you, back to him on our past few conversations. maybe he has notcied and he doesnt want to say anything. why do things have to be so hard? how did i get myself into this mess. its a big mess. I keep doing whatever i want while hes gone and its like i dont care what itll do to him if he ever finds out. i know itll kill him to know ive not only cheated on him but with 2 different guys. I have no heart. How can I? Its like im cheating on him just b/c i know i can and i know i wont get caught. ahhh!!! Maybe im just a slut and im slutting myself around. whatever i dont care anymore. im just going to live my life and what happenes happenes. i cant keep telling myself im not going to do this and im going to stop doing that when i know its not true. i know myself i know what im like and if i cant have it or im not suppossed to be doing it thats where you'll find me. im a pice of crap. its like im putting these words down and i know there coming from me but its like i feel nothing. i tell myself that i do want to be with james yet i have sex with other guys. i tell myself im not going to do these things anymore but i know its not true. i tell myself james is good to me and caring and sweet and that ill work it out with him but i dont want to. Part of me thinks maybe im just afarid of hurting him. its very weird being in this situation. ive told friends tons of times that you cant be with someone cuz ur scared of hurting them or ur scared of what will happen but its so much harder when it comes right down to it. just b/c i dont feel the same for him anymore doesnt mean i dont care for him and that i want to hurt him. all i know is everyday i run over the same things in my head about this and it all comes back to the same things. no matter how many different times i think, write, analyze, pounder it, i keep coming back to same the conclusions. damn it. i need to just stop thinking about it and stop over analyzing it. what happens, happens and though i know its going to be hard i just need to keep living my life. im not going to stop everything thats going on with me b/c of this. im done letting it consume me.