thoughts that keep me awake at night.
1. discipline
it's that awful word that always hangs around me. an ephemeral idea-somethingi'm supposed to know all about because it's supposed to be part of who i am. it's an idea i'm familiar with, but not a memory, because memories are things you have done or seen. i have never been disciplined. when i think of discipline, i think of all the things i could be if only i would be disciplined: skinny, successful, smart, organized...driven? and then i think of aunt freya, a woman my mom always describes as being so disciplined, carefully serving herself dinner with the right portion sizes, going for walks every day, swimming, playing tennis, being twice my age and half my size...my pot belly is a perfect example of my lack of discipline. it is a constant reminder of all of the things i can't do because i won't do them. it's just sitting there saying, "hey don't forget, you're mediocre..." and then i have to remember who i really am, and who i really am not. and then i think about discipline and reach for another chocolate bar and wonder if i even really care.
2. heart break
i think it's funny how much emotion we attach to rejection. it's a very practical event, when you think about it. a simple thing in which one person thinks, hey i like that person, maybe we can try this, and the other person thinks, no we cannot, and they probably both have very logical reasons for each thought, and it's perfectly logical that it should not work out. in fact, probable. it usually doesn't. what are the odds that it does? slim...but eventually something will. so you just keep trying until it does work. and don't be upset when it doesn't, because it has nothing to do with you. it's just practical.
3. shy
rachel yesterday told me that she had always thought of me as a very social, outgoing person, but on this trip had realized that i'm actually really shy "in a lot of ways." i said yes, i'm pretty much an introvert, but for some reason when she said it i felt for a second like i would cry...i don't know why. it scared me, i think. i didn't think people could see me that clearly, or that they were even looking. i would prefer to remain hidden. it's like someone telling you that there is something on your face and it's been there all day, and you wonder how many people have seen it and if it's really that obvious, and you think of all the things you said and did where this thing on your face said and did them with you, and you realize that every body probably noticed. and that's how i felt when it occurred to me that everyone knows i'm shy. i would prefer they found out because i told them.
read these books: corelli's mandolin and the history of love. they both have endings that Are Not Perfect. but i think it's worth it anyway.
love you all
it's that awful word that always hangs around me. an ephemeral idea-somethingi'm supposed to know all about because it's supposed to be part of who i am. it's an idea i'm familiar with, but not a memory, because memories are things you have done or seen. i have never been disciplined. when i think of discipline, i think of all the things i could be if only i would be disciplined: skinny, successful, smart, organized...driven? and then i think of aunt freya, a woman my mom always describes as being so disciplined, carefully serving herself dinner with the right portion sizes, going for walks every day, swimming, playing tennis, being twice my age and half my size...my pot belly is a perfect example of my lack of discipline. it is a constant reminder of all of the things i can't do because i won't do them. it's just sitting there saying, "hey don't forget, you're mediocre..." and then i have to remember who i really am, and who i really am not. and then i think about discipline and reach for another chocolate bar and wonder if i even really care.
2. heart break
i think it's funny how much emotion we attach to rejection. it's a very practical event, when you think about it. a simple thing in which one person thinks, hey i like that person, maybe we can try this, and the other person thinks, no we cannot, and they probably both have very logical reasons for each thought, and it's perfectly logical that it should not work out. in fact, probable. it usually doesn't. what are the odds that it does? slim...but eventually something will. so you just keep trying until it does work. and don't be upset when it doesn't, because it has nothing to do with you. it's just practical.
3. shy
rachel yesterday told me that she had always thought of me as a very social, outgoing person, but on this trip had realized that i'm actually really shy "in a lot of ways." i said yes, i'm pretty much an introvert, but for some reason when she said it i felt for a second like i would cry...i don't know why. it scared me, i think. i didn't think people could see me that clearly, or that they were even looking. i would prefer to remain hidden. it's like someone telling you that there is something on your face and it's been there all day, and you wonder how many people have seen it and if it's really that obvious, and you think of all the things you said and did where this thing on your face said and did them with you, and you realize that every body probably noticed. and that's how i felt when it occurred to me that everyone knows i'm shy. i would prefer they found out because i told them.
read these books: corelli's mandolin and the history of love. they both have endings that Are Not Perfect. but i think it's worth it anyway.
love you all