it was all a dream
goodbye 2004 - my year on speed:
pat pressured me
so pat left.
pat came back for a moment, but..
pat met erin
i rebounded
cailden used me
[someone i considered a best friend]
pat fell for erin
pat broke my heart.
pat wanted me back
pat stayed with her..
i waited for so long for him
pat tortured me about it for so long
pat slept with erin
i let him go.
cailden used me once again.
i dated a psyco freak.
the psyco freak hurt me.
so i stopped talking to him
..ignored him,
he finally went away.
pat came back.
i was finally happy again.
something i didnt feel in so long.
pat took my youth and the only thing i knew about myself.
i thought i was pregnant.
pat and i considered marriage.
i spilled my heart out to pat.
he helped me finally accept ashleigh and sharron's death after 5 years of denial.
helped me embrace that it WASN'T my fault.
helped me finally say goodbye to the only other person i loved.
because i really loved her.
and i really miss her.
family abused me.
family hated me.
family yelled and screamed and left me alone in the cold.
family manipulated me
family took advantage of my youth and low IQ
family hurt me.
i turned to self-mutilation
turned away from world
shut myself out of what was "real"
fell into depression
had anxiety attacks
was angry at the world.
was an angry person
..except when pat was around
pat was scared when i told him.
pat was angry.
pat helped me through it.
he held my hand through it all.
pat picked me up off my feet.
..erin came back
i got scared/protective/jealous
pat told me he'd stop seeing her if he felt anything
because he wanted us to work.
finally did something i never thought i could
i trusted another human being.
i never trusted anyone
after everything my family put me through
it was so difficult.
i trusted pat with my heart/my love.
i trusted what he said to me was true.
..pat lied.
pat wasn't as strong as he thought.
pat broke my heart again.
but wouldn't let me leave.
he held me close and kissed me
pat slept with me after and i regret it.
i just wanted hope.
not to be used.
My heart fell into hundreds of pieces.
i doubt i'll love in that way again
it's probably a good thing.
the only two people i ever loved,
left me.
and i'm all alone now.
i have no faith in man.
and no faith in god.
no one to talk to
no one to trust.
i hate this year.
i hate it for who it made me
i hate it for the person i am today.
i hate myself in the worst way.
but you know..
this wasn't the worst year.
things could be worse.
things could be like when i was little...
i had it real bad then.
my life was shattered by my young years.
went through more shit than anyone i've ever spoken to
and the only one who understands
is my scotty.
he was there. he saw what happened.
he felt what i felt.
did what i did.
and held my family together the best way he knew how.
i admire him.
he raised me, no one else.
so kiss my ass.
all of you. this is my life.
and i can admit all these things
i can say my mind...
because it's over.
2004 is gone
and i've learned so much this year...
1. people are never to be trusted. [which i knew, but pat played with that knowledge]
2. you never know someone as much as you think
3. your heart won't let you believe the things your mind knows are true
4. "letting go" isn't just something you do. you can't just let go. i will never let go. what i will do is move on. i'll never forget. but i wont let this hold me back
5. love is a game. and there isn't "only one" for you.
6. no matter how hard it gets, it could be worse.
7. grasp what you have. don't obsess over what you dont.
8. dont allow someone to hurt you, make you fall hard. and be there when they want you back. no matter how much you love them. they dont deserve that.
i'm not ashamed of anything in this entry. nothing. i'm ready to "start over" and live the way i want for once
i know he's not coming back. i wish he had just told me this.
please tell me this. the process will be much easier. because you never did
SAY YOU WON'T CARE. say you wont care
you say you read me like a book. but the pages are all torn and frayed.
[don't think you know me from this. don't think i care anymore]
LOVE ME <3
it's been a long december and there's reason to believe: maybe this year will be better than the last.