(no subject)
i am feeling restless again. i dont know what it is, but i am ready to be gone again...like far away and starting a new life. i dont think this is a good sign, or maybe its just a feeling i get every once in awhile that just comes and goes.
maybe this has to do with perrin. he is sleeping right now, but i need to talk to him. i feel as if he is distant and trying to push me away. yesterday afternoon was the first time he hugged me on his own, without me having to try to cuddle up to him, in days. and it was only because he thought i was upset about the house situation, when really i was thinking about us. i am trying not to touch him too much because i want to see if he will ever come to me instead of me constantly trying to be with him. so far, this plan isnt working.
i am a person who needs attention. plain as that. i can finally admit that. attention is the way i feel loved, i cant help it, i have a feeling its an oldest child sort of thing...im not too sure. now, i havent done anything to falter or hurt my relationship, but everytime i feel upset about perrin, all i want to do is say to him "fine, i dont need you. i can walk out right now and find another guy who wants me" but the thing is, i can find another guy who wants me for the moment, and i know that isnt really wanting ME. so i swallow my stupidness, because i know he could spit the same thing back in my face, and wait for our uncomfortable moments to end...and usually they end soon, but this has been going on since wednesday and that may not seem like a long time, but it is when its with perrin. i cant think of the last time he told me he loved me or kissed me (besides a peck when i go to kiss him)...this is odd and i am just wasting time until he wakes up so i can talk to him instead of rant online.
i finished my application to western washington yesterday and sent it in. i want to do their program, but i dont know if i want to be there anymore. i like how in washington you dont need a masters degree to become a high school teacher. in most states, thats how it is for elem teachers, but required for hs teachers. thats an up part about going there. down part, i dont really want to be in washington right now. but is that just a "right now" type of feeling? or will i feel this way for a long time? and will i feel the same way if perrin and i break up or stay together? im a little lost right now and i dont really know what to do or who to talk to...i thought i had things figured out, i really did. and i was excited, but now...i just dont know. maybe its the living situation right now. maybe its eugene. all we do is sit around and i cant think of other things for us to do. right now, nothing is good enough (or thats how i feel). i am just waiting for the fall and for school to start so there is life around here...cuz right now i (and eugene) are kinda dead.
ps maybe this is just my emotional stage bc i just started my period today, so you can ignore it if you choose.
maybe this has to do with perrin. he is sleeping right now, but i need to talk to him. i feel as if he is distant and trying to push me away. yesterday afternoon was the first time he hugged me on his own, without me having to try to cuddle up to him, in days. and it was only because he thought i was upset about the house situation, when really i was thinking about us. i am trying not to touch him too much because i want to see if he will ever come to me instead of me constantly trying to be with him. so far, this plan isnt working.
i am a person who needs attention. plain as that. i can finally admit that. attention is the way i feel loved, i cant help it, i have a feeling its an oldest child sort of thing...im not too sure. now, i havent done anything to falter or hurt my relationship, but everytime i feel upset about perrin, all i want to do is say to him "fine, i dont need you. i can walk out right now and find another guy who wants me" but the thing is, i can find another guy who wants me for the moment, and i know that isnt really wanting ME. so i swallow my stupidness, because i know he could spit the same thing back in my face, and wait for our uncomfortable moments to end...and usually they end soon, but this has been going on since wednesday and that may not seem like a long time, but it is when its with perrin. i cant think of the last time he told me he loved me or kissed me (besides a peck when i go to kiss him)...this is odd and i am just wasting time until he wakes up so i can talk to him instead of rant online.
i finished my application to western washington yesterday and sent it in. i want to do their program, but i dont know if i want to be there anymore. i like how in washington you dont need a masters degree to become a high school teacher. in most states, thats how it is for elem teachers, but required for hs teachers. thats an up part about going there. down part, i dont really want to be in washington right now. but is that just a "right now" type of feeling? or will i feel this way for a long time? and will i feel the same way if perrin and i break up or stay together? im a little lost right now and i dont really know what to do or who to talk to...i thought i had things figured out, i really did. and i was excited, but now...i just dont know. maybe its the living situation right now. maybe its eugene. all we do is sit around and i cant think of other things for us to do. right now, nothing is good enough (or thats how i feel). i am just waiting for the fall and for school to start so there is life around here...cuz right now i (and eugene) are kinda dead.
ps maybe this is just my emotional stage bc i just started my period today, so you can ignore it if you choose.