Unable to handle myself

[brendan_lyons]

Recently I have gotten involved with the online scene. Started off as a bit of an experiment really, as I was in an open relationship when I first signed up. Chatted to a few people, went on a few dates, nothing went anywhere. Then I drifted back to being single, and since then I've become a lot more obsessive about finding someone

Comments

[muddyslush]

I went through some similar things a few years back and I had to take myself completely off the sites. I encourage therapy if you're able to access that. For me, something that helped a lot was sitting down and thinking through (writing out) what it is that I hope to get through online sites, hookups, dates, what do I imagine I am trying to get? What would fulfillment feel like? What am I afraid will happen?

For me, I realized that part of my addiction to those sites was that I desperately wanted connection and was afraid I did not have the social tools to get it, afraid I would be rejected, afraid I would never find a place where I fit, etc. I would fixate on even the few hookups I could manage and keep blowing them into quasi-romantic fantasies that never came true. I had to admit to myself that I was not capable of using online dating tools in a healthy way at that time in my life.

I got offline and started investing my energy in meeting people in local community (not just guys for hookups or dating, people to be friends with), I made myself go to bars but also made deals with myself where I was only going to have fun and meet people casually, not to look for dates or hookups, and I worked on reconnecting to my family and healing some of my interpersonal rifts with them. I'm not saying that your path will look the same, but I'm saying that this compulsion likely has multiple causes and multiple avenues of resolution, and that getting offline was really important for me to become healthier and ultimately find a relationship that worked for me.

[brendan_lyons]

Yeah that's pretty much hit the nail on the head. Though I have met people in the local community, they're more my friends than anything else.

I have had Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It was okay, the therapist was lovely, but all it really did was encourage me to open up properly about things rather than trying to stick a label on myself. For a while I was convinced I had borderline depression, and I still do display a lot of borderline symptoms, but I felt she was very much trying to push 'normal' onto me. I think it was probably the type of therapy.

Blowing things up into quasi-romantic fantasies has always been a problem for me though, which is where you're right. And it's not just online, it's always any time I get a bit of attention - when someone makes me feel wanted. Social skills are not a problem for me, it's regulating my emotions so they don't distort my perspective.

I too just want to connect with someone. No one has ever seemed to get me, which is frustrating.

[esprix]

If your current therapy isn't working for you, try someone new. No therapist will be hurt or insulted that it's not the right fit for your needs. Just be up front with whoever you meet with about what you want to get out of your sessions.

[muddyslush]

My rule has been to imagine "mr right" and then take steps toward becoming him, the version that feels correct to me. I agree with the comment about internal slut shaming, and I think it's hard to be romantically or sexually fulfilled when looking for someone else to fill that emptiness or heal that alienation. You are a gift to the world. How do you want to connect?

[brendan_lyons]

Just want to feel desired I suppose. But then too many emotions get involved. It's difficult.

[greydruid]

No one has ever seemed to get me, which is frustrating.

Maybe I'm wrong here, but I'm not sure if you even "get" you yet. You're still a teenager, so you're still a work in progress. It's ok not to know. Everyone else is going through the same crap, too.

Maybe I'm not good enough to meet the right guy.

If you're asking that question, then I think you're definitely better than someone who never would. :)