Now
I'm completely drenched. I'm emotionally exhausted.I wonder to whom am I typing this for.Is it for myself or is it for me. I feel like I'm satisfying two beings when I only should be satisfying 1.
Hi, it's been 8 months still clean and still sober. I guess That makes 18 months now, I've been in a a huge journey. I'm right now emotionally hurt for all the things I've done. I don't think I have any strength in me to find an actual blame on anyone for anything.I know what I did today, I know what I did yesterday and the day before that. I am responsible for my actions and there for I have to accept the results that I am given.
I didn't think anything was possible I am constantly searching and wanting the only thing I could not seem to grasp. A relationship, something special with someone. I always seem to fail, and when it comes down to it, the people who love me just tell me to keep the relationship I have with myself. I do understand what that means,however I seem to be so unsatisfied with myself, because I care about me so much I am willing to share it constantly with someone.
I believe the problem lies where I want to share is constantly with someone. How much it means to me to be in a part of a relationship where as the relationship for me wasn't good enough. Life is very tricky, you're born loved by others and when your older you are living to love yourself. When you can't get other people to love you the same way that you love them, they give you the response of you loving yourself. In the end it all just sounds to me that I need to be selfish in order for someone to be attracted by my qualities.
Not expect anyone to be in my life, enough to be special and yet give myself and be open to the those who I am platonic with. How ironic is that. It seems to me that the only thing I do is stand with the crowd of people who aren't looking for anything and like the gene pool be a lucky goose and hope that I get chosen.If I don't then that's that and that ladies and gentleman is my life. For what it is and for what it was.
I was always against the cliches now I'm a part of it. I don't even have a quite clear view on where to go. I don't know what to do, I've asked God to help me, he probably is right now and I'm ignoring it. I don't know what it could be, it could be the acceptance of moving on. This life is something so cruel. I am so grateful, I have all the things I've gotten in my life, and yet I am so very disappointed by the pain that came along with it.
I never asked to be this miserable unhappy person who is going to open up my arms to any man to hurt me, and yet that's what I did. I thought the idea of a relationship meant to me more than anything in the world. Now I see the consequences and the feelings lead by them, and how little they make me feel, this is what I get for forcing things I cannot control and dating, in the end it's the same guy with a different name. The same person with a different life. I attract the same kind of person who is willing to abandon me and I welcome him with open arms to crush me and make me feel weak. Why should I let a person define my life, why should I let people who don't know me in so suddenly, I need to build boundaries, where my choices become clear and understood by both sides. My understanding needs to be that relationships can't really happen for me and I need to have acceptance that this is something I cannot deal with anymore.
I don't want to be with the same man anymore, who is willing to plead for me, pretend to give me everything and then by the time I open up they are ready to leave before I can reach their arms. I don't want to be hurt by the same man who will give me false promises that I will believe every lie so that when the times comes he rejects me, I don't want to find that kind of man, I don't want to be that kind of man either. I cannot control their actions for hurting me, but I can control my choices for letting them.
So what am I doing right now, am I'm letting them control my life my actions.. I'm isolating listening to music, I can even muster up any courage to speak to anyone or tell anyone how I am feeling. I'm so sick and tired of having to explain myself just so I can get the same answers," I shouldn't have came off too strongly". I care too much that is my problem. I don't know what the first step is, I just know that I need to change my behaviors. I need to change some patterns and I have to set sound guide line and boundaries.
The life I want to lead I don't want to give myself up for anyone who doesn't deserve it any more, and if it means living it alone it's okay I'm not alone. I'm single and that's that.
It's okay to be single, It's okay to be single.
There is nothing wrong with me, and there never was.
I've accomplished so much in my life worked so hard in what I did and gave my fiber of my being to the world.Letting myself feel, letting myself go through the pain... letting myself be is enough. I don't want to think about anyone else's life I want to think about now, what I can do now and what I can do to prevent this kind of mistake. I am so tired though.. I'm emotionally exhausted....
Have I've gotten stronger.. did I grow up
I may have, I may have
I am doing the very best me I can
I've gone through immeasurable amounts of mental& physical pain. I've continuously saved and saved a lot of money ... I want to be happy with myself and be okay with it. I know deep down I don't want to compare my life with anyone else's. I'm so tired of being this guy who is giving it all to people who don't even know how to give at all.
I shouldn't never give instead I should share, only to someone who is willing to share me his. That would be his heart....
Will I ever know..? I don't know but I know for now and forever I will not force anything to happen, no more dating sites.. focusing on myself.. and that's it. Let the rest fill it'self.. I sure hope it does. I have faith.
Hi, it's been 8 months still clean and still sober. I guess That makes 18 months now, I've been in a a huge journey. I'm right now emotionally hurt for all the things I've done. I don't think I have any strength in me to find an actual blame on anyone for anything.I know what I did today, I know what I did yesterday and the day before that. I am responsible for my actions and there for I have to accept the results that I am given.
I didn't think anything was possible I am constantly searching and wanting the only thing I could not seem to grasp. A relationship, something special with someone. I always seem to fail, and when it comes down to it, the people who love me just tell me to keep the relationship I have with myself. I do understand what that means,however I seem to be so unsatisfied with myself, because I care about me so much I am willing to share it constantly with someone.
I believe the problem lies where I want to share is constantly with someone. How much it means to me to be in a part of a relationship where as the relationship for me wasn't good enough. Life is very tricky, you're born loved by others and when your older you are living to love yourself. When you can't get other people to love you the same way that you love them, they give you the response of you loving yourself. In the end it all just sounds to me that I need to be selfish in order for someone to be attracted by my qualities.
Not expect anyone to be in my life, enough to be special and yet give myself and be open to the those who I am platonic with. How ironic is that. It seems to me that the only thing I do is stand with the crowd of people who aren't looking for anything and like the gene pool be a lucky goose and hope that I get chosen.If I don't then that's that and that ladies and gentleman is my life. For what it is and for what it was.
I was always against the cliches now I'm a part of it. I don't even have a quite clear view on where to go. I don't know what to do, I've asked God to help me, he probably is right now and I'm ignoring it. I don't know what it could be, it could be the acceptance of moving on. This life is something so cruel. I am so grateful, I have all the things I've gotten in my life, and yet I am so very disappointed by the pain that came along with it.
I never asked to be this miserable unhappy person who is going to open up my arms to any man to hurt me, and yet that's what I did. I thought the idea of a relationship meant to me more than anything in the world. Now I see the consequences and the feelings lead by them, and how little they make me feel, this is what I get for forcing things I cannot control and dating, in the end it's the same guy with a different name. The same person with a different life. I attract the same kind of person who is willing to abandon me and I welcome him with open arms to crush me and make me feel weak. Why should I let a person define my life, why should I let people who don't know me in so suddenly, I need to build boundaries, where my choices become clear and understood by both sides. My understanding needs to be that relationships can't really happen for me and I need to have acceptance that this is something I cannot deal with anymore.
I don't want to be with the same man anymore, who is willing to plead for me, pretend to give me everything and then by the time I open up they are ready to leave before I can reach their arms. I don't want to be hurt by the same man who will give me false promises that I will believe every lie so that when the times comes he rejects me, I don't want to find that kind of man, I don't want to be that kind of man either. I cannot control their actions for hurting me, but I can control my choices for letting them.
So what am I doing right now, am I'm letting them control my life my actions.. I'm isolating listening to music, I can even muster up any courage to speak to anyone or tell anyone how I am feeling. I'm so sick and tired of having to explain myself just so I can get the same answers," I shouldn't have came off too strongly". I care too much that is my problem. I don't know what the first step is, I just know that I need to change my behaviors. I need to change some patterns and I have to set sound guide line and boundaries.
The life I want to lead I don't want to give myself up for anyone who doesn't deserve it any more, and if it means living it alone it's okay I'm not alone. I'm single and that's that.
It's okay to be single, It's okay to be single.
There is nothing wrong with me, and there never was.
I've accomplished so much in my life worked so hard in what I did and gave my fiber of my being to the world.Letting myself feel, letting myself go through the pain... letting myself be is enough. I don't want to think about anyone else's life I want to think about now, what I can do now and what I can do to prevent this kind of mistake. I am so tired though.. I'm emotionally exhausted....
Have I've gotten stronger.. did I grow up
I may have, I may have
I am doing the very best me I can
I've gone through immeasurable amounts of mental& physical pain. I've continuously saved and saved a lot of money ... I want to be happy with myself and be okay with it. I know deep down I don't want to compare my life with anyone else's. I'm so tired of being this guy who is giving it all to people who don't even know how to give at all.
I shouldn't never give instead I should share, only to someone who is willing to share me his. That would be his heart....
Will I ever know..? I don't know but I know for now and forever I will not force anything to happen, no more dating sites.. focusing on myself.. and that's it. Let the rest fill it'self.. I sure hope it does. I have faith.