State of the Muse
John is a mess, but he's always been a mess. Being forced to stay in one place for more than two days has put him in the position of actually connecting to people. Mostly it's River and Seph, but he's latched onto Stildyne like an unfortunate limpet. Unfortunate, of course, because he's embarrassed by it, but also because Stildyne is going home soon. As for River, it's probably the healthiest relationship he's ever had if only because they both know why they're drawn to each other. Seph is a bit more complicated. He's younger and in such a place of uncertainty. John knows he can't really be what he needs, and isn't even sure he wants to be.
Ultimately, John is selfish and scared about 99% of the time. He has his rare (very rare) moments of self sacrifice, but even then, they usually have some self-serving ulterior motive. He doesn't know how to help people because he doesn't know how to help himself. He's miserably unhappy and lonely, but he hasn't even come around to admitting that yet. He would like people to think that his confidence is born out of success and superiority, when it's really bravado. There's nothing rational about how he treats other people, because he's had people who've wanted to love him, wanted to help him. He's had many chances to break this cycle of self-destruction, but he's never done anything but betray those people.
He likes to play the victim, too, as seen in any encounter he has with Torchwood. He betrayed them horribly, but isn't about to admit it, and doesn't understand why they aren't grateful. He thinks they should understand that he couldn't risk his life for them, that he had to do what Grey told him to do. There really isn't anything he wants more than to be part of a family like they are. He's so jealous of Ianto it makes him nauseous, but he will never ever admit it.
John is probably going to continue this way until something really kicks him in the ass. Although, I'm not sure anything will really be enough. He might continue on this way until it gets him killed, he might not. As it stands now, he's not even close to coming to terms with his own misery, failures and betrayals. He thinks he's got it all figured out, when he is probably the most lost out of any of the pups I play
Ultimately, John is selfish and scared about 99% of the time. He has his rare (very rare) moments of self sacrifice, but even then, they usually have some self-serving ulterior motive. He doesn't know how to help people because he doesn't know how to help himself. He's miserably unhappy and lonely, but he hasn't even come around to admitting that yet. He would like people to think that his confidence is born out of success and superiority, when it's really bravado. There's nothing rational about how he treats other people, because he's had people who've wanted to love him, wanted to help him. He's had many chances to break this cycle of self-destruction, but he's never done anything but betray those people.
He likes to play the victim, too, as seen in any encounter he has with Torchwood. He betrayed them horribly, but isn't about to admit it, and doesn't understand why they aren't grateful. He thinks they should understand that he couldn't risk his life for them, that he had to do what Grey told him to do. There really isn't anything he wants more than to be part of a family like they are. He's so jealous of Ianto it makes him nauseous, but he will never ever admit it.
John is probably going to continue this way until something really kicks him in the ass. Although, I'm not sure anything will really be enough. He might continue on this way until it gets him killed, he might not. As it stands now, he's not even close to coming to terms with his own misery, failures and betrayals. He thinks he's got it all figured out, when he is probably the most lost out of any of the pups I play