Jul 21, 2021 23:02
Today she would have been 70.
I can’t tell if the first half of my day of just trying to live was disrespectful. Or avoidance. I do feel like I failed to be a comfort to my aunt and my father.
Now all I can think of is how horrible her final moments were. No doctor would really take her complaints serious because they had the bigger worry of Covid. The hospital kicked her out literally as soon as they could once they realized she was dying. They kicked her out so quickly the healthcare we arranged was not ready yet. They stuck her in an ambulance with two people who could not care less, but wanted to dump her off as soon as possible because they had other places to be.
I held her hand in front of their house in the driveway, while she was scared on a stretcher because she knew this is not what she had planned with her doctors.
Then she slowly slipped away. It felt like we were always trying to play catch up with how to take care of her. Nobody was truly bothering taking the time to give us all of the information because she was not a priority. Those days were so long but also so short. It is terrifying to really understand how little people truly care about someone who is determined to be terminal.
Her death was devastating and terrifying. She was the person who was the glue to our family was gone and now I truly understand how little people care about what happens in your family.
I am gonna try to go back to just remembering and loving her memory. But it feels like so much of that is attached to her slow ugly end. Hopefully that will pass as the years do.