New Life
Every time I feel this way I think tomorrow will be the start of my new life. Here I am megan, writing like i've never written before. Maybe I should become a writer, maybe I should really admit to my faulties. I feel sick, sick to my stomach. Sick of my body, sick of the world around me. The media, tiny, thin, in healthy condition. If only it were that easy. Right now sick to my stomach of my choices. Every time I feel this way, I think tomorrow will be the start of my new life.
As if I havn't said that enough, written that enough or heard that enough. Honestly I want the healthy life style. I need the healthy life style. Why you ask? Well for myself. To prove that I can have that. For my dad, well not really for him but because of him. To prove to myself that I don't need his harrassment to change. I would like to be able to be more active. To feel like I can accomplish things. I want to be able to feel better. Better inside, better outside, better all around. About myself and about the life style that I want to live. I want to play, I want to be able to do anything I want to in the world. Is is that selfish? I would love to be able to enjoy the little things in life. I can't do that. I'm hurting. Inside I know I still am. From what? I don't know yet. I can't let this habbit go. Maybe it's because I havn't let go of him. My father. I know he needs to go. I need to say to him, maybe this isn't such a great Idea anymore dad, Maybe MAYBE I need to say, You know I don't want you to be apart of my life anymore. It's hard, It's very hard. But maybe that's what I need to do.
As I sit here writing I am celebrating. I am celebrating because today is the first day of my new life. However, every day after this will be the begining of my new life. I don't know how well i can determine this day as different from any other day. Maybe it's because I don't think I have said a single word to anyone and it's 5pm, maybe every new observation in my life brings me closer to getting back the life I've never had.
So today I sit here, glass of sparkling cider in hand looking out my window, looking at the dark clouds outside, noticing although they are dark, they are filled with such beutiful life. Dark clouds bring rain, rain in which clenses the earth. Clenses the lives of those who need the freshness in their world. It's amazing Beautiful our world really is as long as we can push all of the drewryness aside.
Setting goals is easy, keeping them is harder. More or less I'm going to make affirmations, not goals to help me along the way to a clutterfree life.
Affirmation number one: Realize I don't need certain things to live my life the way that I need to. It's okay to let go of excess baggage, including people that drag me down in life.
Affirmation number two: In order to maintain a healthy life style, I will clean up when there is a mess around my room, or living space. This will take care of a lot of clutter in my life.
Affirmation number three: In order to maintaine a healthy life style I will only eat when my stomach says it's hungry. Not when My mind is hungry.
Affermation number four: Introducing reading into my life more may not be a bad thing.
SO yes I say these, Will I follow them,I don't know. I do know that every time I feel this way, I say tomorrow will be the start of my new life. And time after time that I say that I don't follow it. And Then i say, Why don't I make today the day. Do i follow through? Never. But who knows maybe tomorrow will be the day I let go. I let go of the person that is doing this to me unconciousley...