i was going to post this to my new blog but people will actually read that

[whatashock]

I can't believe I caved in, but it happened and we can move on to something more interesting, like growing up. I am currently back in Fullerton for two weeks over the Christmas break. It blows my mind how different and just how exactly the same things are when you go back to your childhood home after being away for a while. Since I spent my summer at Jacob Lake (the best mistake of my life), I haven't been to church in about a year. People are grown up, moved out, have different callings, and life goes on without you. Maybe that's the weirdest thing. Life goes on without you. And you go on without it. I am no longer the person I was in high school because I have had new kinds of experiences that I couldn't get if I had stayed here. There seems to be this inner struggle every time I come home to reconcile the person I used to be with the person I am now. Does this happen to everyone, or just me? And how do you show to people that you aren't what you once were? How do you show your family, friends, and people you grew up with that you aren't that girl anymore? They don't spend as much time with you because you don't live at home anymore. Your idiosyncrasies, mannerisms, quirks...all different. But they think you're the same because they have nothing else to base your personality on that what they once knew. It's a lot to live up to and disappointing that this is what's expected of you.

I feel like no one at home knows who I am anymore. I revert back to my old self when I come back, and it drives me crazy. I feel like the experiences I'm having now at college have started to mold me into a better person, who is more understanding, forgiving, outgoing...but it's like a big secret because when I come back home, my old self wakes up and runs on autopilot. How do you get past that wall and onto being who you know you can be? For me, it's the question of the year.