The Dust of Retreat
Wow, so this has been a nostalgic couple of days. My dad's family found me on facebook and starting emailing me. I haven't even talked to any of them since I was 14, and haven't seen most of them since I was 6. It's been very interesting. They want me to tell them what I've been up to for the last 10 years. I'm sorry but 14 to 24 is a HUGE jump to cover in an email. I was in 8th grade and skateboarded to middle school the last time I talked to them! So, they've all stopped talking to my dad for 2 years now, and supposedly now they want a relationship with me. Of course I'm a little apprehensive, but I was definitely optimistic. So far most of our correspondence has been pretty disappointing. They are all almost at the level of f-ed up as my dad. My aunt who used to be my favorite aunt when I was younger until she stopped answering my calls and letters when my parents divorced was the one that upset me the most. Silly me to think that she would say that she's happy to talk to me and apologize for writing me off when I was only a child! Of course, she has to turn it around and LIE and say that it's my fault, and then cover it up with cute language to seem likable. It makes me sick. And then she asked if I got all of the letters and gifts she's sent me over the years. BS. I'm sorry, but that's total BS. Like every thing she's ever sent me got lost in the mail? And then she tries to blame it on my mom and that just pissed me off. I had my problems with my mom as a teenager, but what teenage girl doesn't? I love my mom, and I know her, and she would never do anything like that to me. Never.
So, after all of this is going on, everything reminds me of childhood, or adolescence when I was originally dealing with all of this. Every song I listen to, every picture I see. Then I talked to my brother Cameron about it and then to my mom and of course the past is brought up when we're discussing our current relationship (with my dad's family). It gave me a lot of clarity on the subject. Because I don't feel like I know them. As an adult at least. My memories of them are through a child's eyes. I don't really know who they are. So I'm still kind of in a funk.
Then Kelly texts me and says that her and Ash were looking on facebook and they were quoting mine. And it was hilarious so I had to check it out. I changed my password and here I am. I spent 2 hours last night rereading all of my entries and all of the comments. It was so weird. It's hard to even remember the person that wrote those things. I was so open with so many people reading my entries. And I'd talk about people who would then read it and comment. It was just really weird for me. And I cursed an unusual amount and I'm not sure why. Obviously I was angsty, and grounded and depressed etc etc.
Today walking to class all I could think about was who I used to be, and what I'd think about the person that I've become today. I would have never thought that I'd have a son by 20, and still working on my degree 4 years after that. Education aside, it's made me really glad that I've turned out to be the person that I am. I could have gone down a very different and possibly dangerous path. I'm finally okay with ME. I know who I am, I know where I'm going (figuratively), I know what I want out of life and what's important to me and making my experience on this planet the best it can be. I'm glad that I've kept the people that are truly important to me close to me after all this time (figuratively again). And I'm the mother of the most amazing little kid I've ever met, who is so smart and a shockingly incredible artist. He's has the BEST sense of humor, he loves to dance and sing, and he just loves life. I can just watch him soaking it all in. And it makes me feel so incredibly proud that I can give him the happy carefree childhood full of love and wonder that I could never have.
Speaking of the little guy. I have to go pick him up from preschool.
<3 Calla
PS. Kelly and I discussed it and we're bringing LJ back. Campaign starts soon, and we're making new ones. Not everyone has to know that we were idiots.
So, after all of this is going on, everything reminds me of childhood, or adolescence when I was originally dealing with all of this. Every song I listen to, every picture I see. Then I talked to my brother Cameron about it and then to my mom and of course the past is brought up when we're discussing our current relationship (with my dad's family). It gave me a lot of clarity on the subject. Because I don't feel like I know them. As an adult at least. My memories of them are through a child's eyes. I don't really know who they are. So I'm still kind of in a funk.
Then Kelly texts me and says that her and Ash were looking on facebook and they were quoting mine. And it was hilarious so I had to check it out. I changed my password and here I am. I spent 2 hours last night rereading all of my entries and all of the comments. It was so weird. It's hard to even remember the person that wrote those things. I was so open with so many people reading my entries. And I'd talk about people who would then read it and comment. It was just really weird for me. And I cursed an unusual amount and I'm not sure why. Obviously I was angsty, and grounded and depressed etc etc.
Today walking to class all I could think about was who I used to be, and what I'd think about the person that I've become today. I would have never thought that I'd have a son by 20, and still working on my degree 4 years after that. Education aside, it's made me really glad that I've turned out to be the person that I am. I could have gone down a very different and possibly dangerous path. I'm finally okay with ME. I know who I am, I know where I'm going (figuratively), I know what I want out of life and what's important to me and making my experience on this planet the best it can be. I'm glad that I've kept the people that are truly important to me close to me after all this time (figuratively again). And I'm the mother of the most amazing little kid I've ever met, who is so smart and a shockingly incredible artist. He's has the BEST sense of humor, he loves to dance and sing, and he just loves life. I can just watch him soaking it all in. And it makes me feel so incredibly proud that I can give him the happy carefree childhood full of love and wonder that I could never have.
Speaking of the little guy. I have to go pick him up from preschool.
<3 Calla
PS. Kelly and I discussed it and we're bringing LJ back. Campaign starts soon, and we're making new ones. Not everyone has to know that we were idiots.