...the city kept blinking...
There have been times in my life when I have been extremely depressed and the entire world seemed dark and ignorant. But right now I feel like I've never felt before. And it's an incomparable sadness, but if anything I think it's worse.
I'm so unhappy with my life right now.
I'm not going to go into why, because I'm afraid it might be going in too deep for some people. And I don't want to confuse or bore anyone more than I'm sure I already do.
I've thought about a million things tonight. I was feeling nervous and hectic inside when we were walking downtown all night. It wasn't until I had been in the car for 20 minutes that I could shake my nerves enough to think clearly. But all I could do was feel the breeze, watch the smoke from my cigarette, and the city lights going by, and I just remembered recent situations without any inner monologue. Just visions, and no sound but the music playing on the car stereo. And emotion. There was a lot of emotion. Emotions from admiration, to pity, to adoration, to love, to acceptance, to understanding. And I just felt really calm. Even thinking about things that people have done to hurt me recently, I wasn't angry at all. No jealousy or envy either.I don't know any other way to describe that moment other than 'smooth'. I don't know why that word fits in my mind...but it does. Smooth wind, smooth smoke, smooth transition of thoughts, smooth music....slow motion.
I feel so distant from everyone today. Yesterday too. Ever since I got back from grounding. I need to move away, to struggle, to support myself and learn to appreciate my life. Because as of now, this life isn't all that important to me.
I need my independence.
I'm so unhappy with my life right now.
I'm not going to go into why, because I'm afraid it might be going in too deep for some people. And I don't want to confuse or bore anyone more than I'm sure I already do.
I've thought about a million things tonight. I was feeling nervous and hectic inside when we were walking downtown all night. It wasn't until I had been in the car for 20 minutes that I could shake my nerves enough to think clearly. But all I could do was feel the breeze, watch the smoke from my cigarette, and the city lights going by, and I just remembered recent situations without any inner monologue. Just visions, and no sound but the music playing on the car stereo. And emotion. There was a lot of emotion. Emotions from admiration, to pity, to adoration, to love, to acceptance, to understanding. And I just felt really calm. Even thinking about things that people have done to hurt me recently, I wasn't angry at all. No jealousy or envy either.I don't know any other way to describe that moment other than 'smooth'. I don't know why that word fits in my mind...but it does. Smooth wind, smooth smoke, smooth transition of thoughts, smooth music....slow motion.
I feel so distant from everyone today. Yesterday too. Ever since I got back from grounding. I need to move away, to struggle, to support myself and learn to appreciate my life. Because as of now, this life isn't all that important to me.
I need my independence.