(no subject)
so wowzers.
ugh!
so lately i've been really down on myself.
REALLY down on myself.
probably because everyone has been so down on me, too.
but i hit this low.
this two-hundred-twenty pound low.
when i couldn't even get a pair of pants over my thighs, let alone button them.
when i realized enough is enough.
but i didn't cry.
or bitch and moan.
or go anorexic.
or do any of the crazy things that i used to do when i was going through skinny to fat phases.
i put down the doughnuts. and i capped my bottle of pop. and i ordered a non-fat latte at starbucks. and i got off of my big fat ass and went to the fucking gym.
swimming murdered me.
i only swam for probably...a half hour last night, and i was gasping and choking for my breath--my strokes careless and frantic as i finished.
working out kicked my ass equally.
a forty-five minute workout is nothing compared to my two hour marathon work-out that i used to do on weight training days.
but dieting? dieting is easy.
every time i wanna grab a twinkie. or stop at mickie ds. or eat some KFC, i lift up my shirt and look at the disgusting blob of fat cells that has taken up residence where my reasonably flat stomach used to be.
and i won't tolerate them.
not anymore.
so i'll find a rythm.
cardio/weights one day.
cardio/swim another.
put away the ice cream.
and pick up an apple.
i need to stop taking the easy way out.
fuck.
i think it hit me most at these moments:
**getting dressed for a funeral, i couldn't fit into any of my nice clothes because i have gained forty pounds since they fit me.
**walking into my best friends house and hearing, "mark, what have you been eating?" and only being able to say "everything" in response.
**having my teacher of four years ask me why i stopped wearing a certain thing for dance class, and me answering, and having him retaliate with, "or are you just too chunky these days?" before walking away.
**looking in the mirror, as i danced naked before my shower--as i have always done--and not remembering the last time i didn't have rolls of fat.
this entry is long.
and maybe graphic.
and it might gross you out.
but imagine waking up every day.
looking in the mirror.
and seeing a monster where your face and body used to be.
i wear pajamas to school because none of my jeans fit.
sick.
i used to make fun of people like me.
it ends tonight.
i'm going to get rid of this.
just you wait.
now that i've finally realized.
i finally know.
i have forgiven "you."
ugh!
so lately i've been really down on myself.
REALLY down on myself.
probably because everyone has been so down on me, too.
but i hit this low.
this two-hundred-twenty pound low.
when i couldn't even get a pair of pants over my thighs, let alone button them.
when i realized enough is enough.
but i didn't cry.
or bitch and moan.
or go anorexic.
or do any of the crazy things that i used to do when i was going through skinny to fat phases.
i put down the doughnuts. and i capped my bottle of pop. and i ordered a non-fat latte at starbucks. and i got off of my big fat ass and went to the fucking gym.
swimming murdered me.
i only swam for probably...a half hour last night, and i was gasping and choking for my breath--my strokes careless and frantic as i finished.
working out kicked my ass equally.
a forty-five minute workout is nothing compared to my two hour marathon work-out that i used to do on weight training days.
but dieting? dieting is easy.
every time i wanna grab a twinkie. or stop at mickie ds. or eat some KFC, i lift up my shirt and look at the disgusting blob of fat cells that has taken up residence where my reasonably flat stomach used to be.
and i won't tolerate them.
not anymore.
so i'll find a rythm.
cardio/weights one day.
cardio/swim another.
put away the ice cream.
and pick up an apple.
i need to stop taking the easy way out.
fuck.
i think it hit me most at these moments:
**getting dressed for a funeral, i couldn't fit into any of my nice clothes because i have gained forty pounds since they fit me.
**walking into my best friends house and hearing, "mark, what have you been eating?" and only being able to say "everything" in response.
**having my teacher of four years ask me why i stopped wearing a certain thing for dance class, and me answering, and having him retaliate with, "or are you just too chunky these days?" before walking away.
**looking in the mirror, as i danced naked before my shower--as i have always done--and not remembering the last time i didn't have rolls of fat.
this entry is long.
and maybe graphic.
and it might gross you out.
but imagine waking up every day.
looking in the mirror.
and seeing a monster where your face and body used to be.
i wear pajamas to school because none of my jeans fit.
sick.
i used to make fun of people like me.
it ends tonight.
i'm going to get rid of this.
just you wait.
now that i've finally realized.
i finally know.
i have forgiven "you."