Saiyuki/HP Fic: Shut Up (PG-13)
Fandom: Saiyuki/Harry Potter
Title: Shut Up
Author: Em
Rating: PG-13 for sexual innuendo
Word Count: ~340
Characters: Sanzo, Sirius
Summary: Sanzo's fan for idiots proves useless against one idiot.
Dedication: for chelle86 who inspires crack!fic regularly
Notes: Originally written as crack comment!fic over a year ago, I'm adding it to the archive for posterity (naturally). First posted here.
Shut Up
"Would you shut up?" Sanzo's fan strikes harder with each assault.
"I just asked if you had on anything under those robes." Sirius did his best to shield his head. "Some people don't. Personally, as much as I enjoy being free, I find that accidental peeks at the Most Noble and Ancient Family Jewels tends to leave a wake of unconscious birds."
Sanzo hits him three more times, only growling.
"Not that there's anything wrong with unconscious birds! But it's much better if I've purposely made them unconscious-through mind-numbing shagging, of course."
Sanzo throws down the fan and pulls out his gun. "Shut up." He fires a round just past Sirius's left cheek. It's close enough to make his hair billow.
"Oooooh!" Sirius leans close to the gun. "Is this a gun? I've never seen one." He places one long finger against his lower lip and looks up at Sanzo with an innocent blink. "It's kind of small."
Sanzo's special vein, the one he usually saves for Gojyo, throbs in rapid time.
"Not that size really matters," Sirius continues to blather, "but it certainly helps for the initial reveal, if you get what I mean." Sirius over exaggerates his wink to drive home his meaning.
Sanzo holds his gun to his temple, muttering underneath Sirius's continued chatter, "This would be so much easier."
Bonus Scene!
Sirius waves his wand on Sanzo's next backswing. When Sanzo strikes, a pair of lacy black panties catches in Sirius's outstretched hand.
"Oh, Sanzo, I had no idea," Sirius purrs.
Sanzo's face slackens, the color spilling out and dripping on to his robes. His eye twitches, but it's not that special pissed-off twitch, it's more like a death rattle, the residual neurons firing in his brain just before the last bits of oxygen are used up.
Sirius twists the panties in his hand, dragging Sanzo closer, pulling their faces together.
"So, think I can convince you into these?"
A hard line snaps on Sanzo's mouth and suddenly Sirius is eating dirt.
"You can take that as a 'no'."
~Comments and feedback never shut me up.
Title: Shut Up
Author: Em
Rating: PG-13 for sexual innuendo
Word Count: ~340
Characters: Sanzo, Sirius
Summary: Sanzo's fan for idiots proves useless against one idiot.
Dedication: for chelle86 who inspires crack!fic regularly
Notes: Originally written as crack comment!fic over a year ago, I'm adding it to the archive for posterity (naturally). First posted here.
Shut Up
"Would you shut up?" Sanzo's fan strikes harder with each assault.
"I just asked if you had on anything under those robes." Sirius did his best to shield his head. "Some people don't. Personally, as much as I enjoy being free, I find that accidental peeks at the Most Noble and Ancient Family Jewels tends to leave a wake of unconscious birds."
Sanzo hits him three more times, only growling.
"Not that there's anything wrong with unconscious birds! But it's much better if I've purposely made them unconscious-through mind-numbing shagging, of course."
Sanzo throws down the fan and pulls out his gun. "Shut up." He fires a round just past Sirius's left cheek. It's close enough to make his hair billow.
"Oooooh!" Sirius leans close to the gun. "Is this a gun? I've never seen one." He places one long finger against his lower lip and looks up at Sanzo with an innocent blink. "It's kind of small."
Sanzo's special vein, the one he usually saves for Gojyo, throbs in rapid time.
"Not that size really matters," Sirius continues to blather, "but it certainly helps for the initial reveal, if you get what I mean." Sirius over exaggerates his wink to drive home his meaning.
Sanzo holds his gun to his temple, muttering underneath Sirius's continued chatter, "This would be so much easier."
Bonus Scene!
Sirius waves his wand on Sanzo's next backswing. When Sanzo strikes, a pair of lacy black panties catches in Sirius's outstretched hand.
"Oh, Sanzo, I had no idea," Sirius purrs.
Sanzo's face slackens, the color spilling out and dripping on to his robes. His eye twitches, but it's not that special pissed-off twitch, it's more like a death rattle, the residual neurons firing in his brain just before the last bits of oxygen are used up.
Sirius twists the panties in his hand, dragging Sanzo closer, pulling their faces together.
"So, think I can convince you into these?"
A hard line snaps on Sanzo's mouth and suddenly Sirius is eating dirt.
"You can take that as a 'no'."
~Comments and feedback never shut me up.