I don't have a title.
I swear to Christ if they ever take this site down, I'm so fucked. It'll be like 17 years of my life just erased from history. LiveJournal needs to exist until the nuclear apocalypse.
Anyway.
I just have a lot to say and no one who'd want to listen to me talk about it forever, so here is where it goes.
Firstly, we're still on track to move to Costa Rica. Not Perez Zeledon, because my husband has the decision skills of a squirrel and got freaked out that we didn't know enough to buy a house yet (he was right, but we were also into the process of buying the house before he changed his mind so we lost a few grand.). So now, we're headed to a place called Atenas instead, where we'll be renting while we figure out where we belong. And frankly, I'm sort of relieved.
PZ had the perfect weather and amazing views, but it really only had one awesome school and it was 4 hours from the airport on a good day. I was really worried about good medical care and good schools for the kids. If we were doing this without kids, I'd be all for it, but I mean...this calls for different needs and I wasn't sure that we'd get everything we needed there.
Atenas isn't quite as green or "exotic," but the weather is still great, there are still awesome views to be found, and it's only an hour from the airport with two or three good schools. There are a lot of expats there, which I'm not thrilled about because I'm leaving to not have to talk to Americans anymore, but there's less than there are here so I'll allow it.
We leave in August. Shit is about to get so stressful and I'm tired just thinking about it, so I won't right now.
Now, to the HUGE thing that I can't stop talking about: I have ADHD.
So that doesn't seem as exciting, but I'm gonna back up a bit and talk about how I got here.
So for years...like after my daughter was born five years ago at least, I noticed I was exhausted all the time. Not just "I need a nap" tired, but unable to fucking function tired. I would start days with all these things in mind that I had to do, and then I'd struggle to move to get them done.
Over those years, I went to doctors and got blood tests, and they'd tell me my thyroid was fine, and my iron levels were fine, and my everything was fine, so I was just tired because "you're a mom and you have two small children," which never sat right with me. Like...yes, children are exhausting. Mine are spirited and stubborn and silly and energetic as fuck so I would agree. But I just couldn't accept that I was just now doomed to always be a person who never finished anything, or who couldn't get through the day without a nap.
When we moved to Seattle and Portland, I assumed it was due to the constantly cloudy weather and Seasonal Affective Disorder, so I bought UV lights and vitamin D, and I tried to get sun when I could. It worked okay, but I was still struggling intensely. Some days, just leaving the house to go shopping felt like I was moving muscles made of lead. But still, there was "nothing wrong with me," so I kept dealing with it.
After the trauma of our 2018 trip to Costa Rica, I had my first panic attack. I didn't know what that was, but when i started having these things in rapid succession, I figured something wasn't right. So I went to therapy and started meds. Then things got better.
After that, I was able to keep my anxiety mostly under control. Especially once my dosage was perfected, I was having a panic attack maybe once a month, if that. I'd also been taught some good ways to put it under control, so I was doing pretty well. I'd have anxious thoughts or feel a little nervous, but I was overall able to function like a normal person. I still rarely got anything done though.
We moved to Florida in January, and once we got here, I felt an intense increase in my energy, and a definite jump in mood. The sunshine and my excitement at being five minutes down the road from my parents helped, and for about a month or two I was getting shit done at home, homeschooling my kids, and working with little issue.
Right around my birthday, in March, things went way downhill for me. I was suddenly more tired than I'd ever been - I needed naps almost daily. Not in an "Oh I'm a bit tired and I have the time; why not?" kind of way; not even in a "Wow, I didn't sleep well last night. I NEED sleep." kind of way. It was solely in a "I slept 9-12 hours and I'm still incredibly tired by 10 AM and can barely even focus I'm so tired if I make it to 2 PM, so I'll take a nap and wake up super foggy and take at least an hour to recover from said nap, so in the end I'll have about 1.5 hours to work before dinner on a school day" kind of way.
The procrastination was also out of control for me. I'd wake up in the morning with a to-do list and do absolutely none of it. I'd tell myself I was going to, and it was almost like giant, invisible hands were pushing me down on the couch. Instead, I'd wind up playing games on my phone for hours. If I had to go anywhere, I'd go, but I'd be tired the whole time.
I hated myself.
Mark and I would regularly get into arguments in the PNW because I wouldn't carry my weight around the house. I would get so hurt and so upset because I was already teaching the kids at home and trying to build a business, and I was already so, so tired. So it felt incredibly unfair that, with as tired as I was, he still wanted me to somehow find that energy to do laundry and dishes and sweep the floor. I was giving away all of the energy I had, didn't he see that?
And honestly, I was mad at him because I was mad at myself. I wanted to have it in me to do more. I wanted to spend more time playing with my kids and cleaning and working, but I wasn't doing it. I honestly didn't feel like I could.
When we got to Florida, those arguments went down a little, because I started cooking dinner twice a week, and I was still cleaning more of the apartment than I used to, but I was dropping balls all over the place. The kids were missing day after day of school because I'd wake up and not be able to function, or because I just couldn't seem to push myself past that barrier to do it. I can't stress enough that I was certain that I was just lazy and undisciplined, and I wanted to change so badly.
Now, backing up again: my son, Miles, started Kindergarten in 2019. September. I want to say it was two weeks in the first time he got called to the principal's office. After that, almost every day I was either hearing he didn't behave in class, that he'd been sent to the principal's office, or both. Twice he was sent home. And the shit was always his own doing. He'd battle doing schoolwork he didn't want to do; he'd touch things he wasn't supposed to touch; he'd say things he was just told not to say, and he'd get overly rough during recess. I was stressed to hell over it, because I didn't want my son to be "that" kid.
Then two things happened that changed my outlook. 1. I remembered that I was like this as a kid; that is, in the principal's office or in trouble almost every day, up until about 4th grade, and 2. I started noticing that it didn't seem like he was doing this shit on purpose. It was almost like he was just impulsively doing shit he wasn't supposed to, like his brain just wasn't connected to his hands or his feet in order to tell him not to do the thing he was thinking of doing.
Thing is, we'd suggested ADHD when he was 3, but ADHD symptoms sound like a regular little kid, so we didn't really want to label him that early. When he went into school, though, I felt like I was being delivered an ultimatum: admit the truth, or your kid is going to suffer every day.
So we went and got him diagnosed, and it was pretty much a slam dunk. Of course, then school was closed about two months later, but it gave us a better idea of what to work with. He's not on meds because we feel like he's too young. But it helped us learn how to approach him. We're not perfect, but we're definitely doing better than we were.
So while I was looking up what it would be like for him as an adult, I started feeling like someone was spying on me. The description of adults with ADHD sounded just like me: the fidgeting with things, the needing to pace when on phone calls...and especially the inattentive shit (not being able to overcome chronic procrastination, blanking in the middle of conversations, losing things...you name it). I thought of talking to a doctor, but I really didn't want to have to be on another medication, and frankly I didn't like the judgy way people reacted when I brought it up.
People responded with everything from stories of how they or someone they know was mis-diagnosed, to how they felt like "everyone has ADHD then because everyone loses things." My own doctor basically told me that, if I did well in school, I probably didn't have it, so I let it go. The thought never stopped nibbling at my mind, though.
So back to this March. I'm feeling like a lazy fucking failure. I can't finish anything without intense focus and effort, and I'm tired all the fucking time. One day, almost crying, I message some friends and tell them that I'm so sick of being tired all the time. I tell them that I'm pissed that doctors won't believe me that something is wrong. I got so frustrated that, for like that 90,000th time, I started right then and there Googling reasons for constant fatigue.
Now, I don't know what was different this time, but an article popped up saying that ADHD can be responsible for chronic fatigue. That was my last straw.
I went and got diagnosed on May 14th. By May 21st, I'd seen a psychiatrist, who prescribed me medication. I was nervous to try it, because I'd heard that ADHD meds, specifically stimulants, can fight with anti-anxiety meds, and this was a stimulant. But I did decide to at least try. I started taking the medicine this past Monday.
Monday, I didn't feel a thing. I was tired in the morning, I made it through the day without a nap and focused a little, but was otherwise not really all that impressed.
Tuesday, I got a real taste of it. I took the kids to the library, played with them during work breaks, and finished every fucking thing on my to-do list. I even made dinner. And not once did I feel tired or in need of a nap. By the end of the day, I was so elated I was battling tears. This is the person I knew was in there the whole time. THIS was me. I knew it. And I'd been vindicated.
Since then, it's become clear that the meds are perfect but that I need a higher dose. I still struggle with focus and getting distracted, but otherwise, I have spent every day ready to get things done. I haven't taken a nap but once, and the day I did that it was only for an hour, and I popped right back up from it ready to work more. My mood is better (though that could just be because I feel more like myself), and I'm spending more time with my family. For years, I've known this was how I was supposed to be, and I'm so happy to be able to prove it now.
I gotta admit I'm also feeling a little smug, because I've been fucking saying for years to literally every doctor that I knew I was better than what I'd been, and to have them all dismiss me was so frustrating. I believe in science and medicine, but I was so mad that I couldn't get them to look into anything else. I want to go back and be like "I told you. I fucking TOLD you."
Though I guess I also should've been a little more real with myself, because I run my own brand, I wrote a book, and I want to start a YouTube channel and do so much more. A truly lazy person doesn't wish to do those things.
I just keep thinking of who I've been for the last week, and both marveling over who she is and fearing she's going to go away again. Apparently this medication can be a bit hard to get in Costa Rica, because I need a psychiatrist and a prescription. Also, it's expensive as fuck. Thirty days is $75 after a coupon, so 90 days is probably going to be outrageous.
But I can't go back to that person. I can't. I'm so happy now. I'm myself. My life has changed so much.
I meet with my psych this Friday to try to get an increase in my dosage, but otherwise I wouldn't change a thing.
I'm so happy.