GRARRRR! :D
News for once, might, that is should be going to Wacken 2007, that would be in Germany, Ill be quitting my horrible job to make this trip, best excuse to quit a job yet. Anyways, it goes something like this, 2 weeks in europe, first couple of days spent in Ireland due to going there WITH Amy and her friends, one of her friends is going their, and flying into Ireland is cheap, apparently then anyways. Wacken is only 2-3 days long ... only. Alas, this wont be cheap, so Ill be saving alot of money between now and giving my 2 weeks notice roughly July 12th.
Thats a bit of a way off and a lot can still go wrong, buuut, til then, crazy concert coming May 6th. Dimmu Borgir, Kataklysm, Devildriver and Unearth. All good. Dimmus new cd was leaked to torrent and so is available, better than their last album actually.
My sister is coming to a metal concert, finally, although it is Lacuna Coil, opening acts sound like trash but we'll see, seriously looking forward to doing this with her, especially as it was her idea! :D
Spent some time with my mom last week, Im really liking the relationship Im developing with her, more like a friend than my Mom, although I suspect I dont know what 'Mom' actually means... :P
There's this wicked bar right across from 'the nerdstore' (a store full of card games, board games and like, friggin Cthulu dolls, oh and sci-fi books, cant for the life of me rermember the name.) Ya, across from that store theres this little tavern where on Saturdays they just jam random instruments, from keyboards to bass' to mandolins and much fantastic classical guitar. I enjoyed it immensely, there was folk, old school rock, and shit I've never even heard of. More evidence I don't get out enough, Ill be back there... soon!
...
Too many thoughts I have have carried over from my youth, too little critical thinking has been done, or at least too late, and too many people knew me but don't know me, and I am paralyzed by my own selfish and stubborn nature.
What people don't seem to realize, even my closest, nay, especially my closest friends is that the past was shit for me, I regret nearly everything, I do not have positive memories cuz for every good thing going on there was me deep in thought coming up with the wrong reasons, and the wrong ideas for what my life is.
I have had 2 completely fundamental shifts in my personality in the last couple of years, the last one stole alot of memories as well as ideas. My ambition was and still is gone and here I am.
Having read all this Im sure you think, 'Hey, don't live in the past, you can't change it...' ... blah blah blah, I already did that, now look at me, I have learned my lesson. Years have passed and I am socially equivalent to a fucking 11 year old, is this a source of self-consciousness? Yes! It is both my age and ability to reason combined with my lack of experience and chronic self-denial that make life so fucking annoying to me lately.
Solutions?
The trip to Van last year was fucking epic, I had a great time.
Being in a place with someone I dont feel self-conscious around in a place where no one could possibly know who I am - (pathetic? Maybe, running away is no solution but Jesus titty-fucking Christ, I am 24 and emotionally and socially retarded. All I can think of is how much I am grateful that I am not older still, and dumber still) - was fucking awesome, I felt true freedom. Really.
The alternative is to become more reclusive, to find that point where I meets my and kill that voice of self-consciousness, one does not simply talk down there thoughts though...
I am on the verge here, I either need to be out of this place, or I need to shift gears, I need to start completely new, I AM a fucking hypocrite, and Im damn fucking proud of it, there are so many ways of looking at EVERYTHING and yet everyone is content to find what they like and simply stick with it, hell, live with it, and sadly enough, die with it.
...and so we come to the point, Im a fucking pussy, terrified of death not for itself, just not wanting to die having accomplished little or nothing of real consequence, and yet not sure what to do next.
I have gone to Amy for moral support on this one, was going to keep it low key too, but I think this has to be all-encompassing, hopefully I can do what I must do and still keep my current job, only because I will not make this much money anywhere else.
Van was an awakening, Ivo helped me learn more about myself in 2 days than I learned in 5 years, he probably has no idea. :P
Wacken promises to be awesome, I will do it mostly because it is new, and differant and hopefully completely socially awkward, I need more of that.
I'm going to regret this entire post tomorrow, I know because when I wake up in the morning, it is that other me doing the thinking. Dick. X
Thats a bit of a way off and a lot can still go wrong, buuut, til then, crazy concert coming May 6th. Dimmu Borgir, Kataklysm, Devildriver and Unearth. All good. Dimmus new cd was leaked to torrent and so is available, better than their last album actually.
My sister is coming to a metal concert, finally, although it is Lacuna Coil, opening acts sound like trash but we'll see, seriously looking forward to doing this with her, especially as it was her idea! :D
Spent some time with my mom last week, Im really liking the relationship Im developing with her, more like a friend than my Mom, although I suspect I dont know what 'Mom' actually means... :P
There's this wicked bar right across from 'the nerdstore' (a store full of card games, board games and like, friggin Cthulu dolls, oh and sci-fi books, cant for the life of me rermember the name.) Ya, across from that store theres this little tavern where on Saturdays they just jam random instruments, from keyboards to bass' to mandolins and much fantastic classical guitar. I enjoyed it immensely, there was folk, old school rock, and shit I've never even heard of. More evidence I don't get out enough, Ill be back there... soon!
...
Too many thoughts I have have carried over from my youth, too little critical thinking has been done, or at least too late, and too many people knew me but don't know me, and I am paralyzed by my own selfish and stubborn nature.
What people don't seem to realize, even my closest, nay, especially my closest friends is that the past was shit for me, I regret nearly everything, I do not have positive memories cuz for every good thing going on there was me deep in thought coming up with the wrong reasons, and the wrong ideas for what my life is.
I have had 2 completely fundamental shifts in my personality in the last couple of years, the last one stole alot of memories as well as ideas. My ambition was and still is gone and here I am.
Having read all this Im sure you think, 'Hey, don't live in the past, you can't change it...' ... blah blah blah, I already did that, now look at me, I have learned my lesson. Years have passed and I am socially equivalent to a fucking 11 year old, is this a source of self-consciousness? Yes! It is both my age and ability to reason combined with my lack of experience and chronic self-denial that make life so fucking annoying to me lately.
Solutions?
The trip to Van last year was fucking epic, I had a great time.
Being in a place with someone I dont feel self-conscious around in a place where no one could possibly know who I am - (pathetic? Maybe, running away is no solution but Jesus titty-fucking Christ, I am 24 and emotionally and socially retarded. All I can think of is how much I am grateful that I am not older still, and dumber still) - was fucking awesome, I felt true freedom. Really.
The alternative is to become more reclusive, to find that point where I meets my and kill that voice of self-consciousness, one does not simply talk down there thoughts though...
I am on the verge here, I either need to be out of this place, or I need to shift gears, I need to start completely new, I AM a fucking hypocrite, and Im damn fucking proud of it, there are so many ways of looking at EVERYTHING and yet everyone is content to find what they like and simply stick with it, hell, live with it, and sadly enough, die with it.
...and so we come to the point, Im a fucking pussy, terrified of death not for itself, just not wanting to die having accomplished little or nothing of real consequence, and yet not sure what to do next.
I have gone to Amy for moral support on this one, was going to keep it low key too, but I think this has to be all-encompassing, hopefully I can do what I must do and still keep my current job, only because I will not make this much money anywhere else.
Van was an awakening, Ivo helped me learn more about myself in 2 days than I learned in 5 years, he probably has no idea. :P
Wacken promises to be awesome, I will do it mostly because it is new, and differant and hopefully completely socially awkward, I need more of that.
I'm going to regret this entire post tomorrow, I know because when I wake up in the morning, it is that other me doing the thinking. Dick. X