I just feel lost
So, for those of you who don't know, I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar 1 this summer and I've had a series of manic episodes that have landed up with me in the hospital. I'm not the sort of manic who gets violent or breaks things. I do get into fights with my parents during them because, for some reason, they just seem to exacerbate the problem.
Left to my own devices, I retreat into my bedroom for a week because it just gets to be too much to interact with other people. I'll basically only come out of my room when I know that other people aren't home and even then, I can barely stand it to spend too much time out of it so it's basically just quick trips to the bathroom or to grab something to eat which I usually have to bring back to my room because I can't stand being down in the kitchen, even when everyone else is sleeping.
My parents have had a really hard time dealing with my mania and their response, each time, is to start adding more restrictions and taking away the things that I use to occupy my time so that I can stay at least someone level. I had my computer removed, then added back but with no internet access which just makes things worse for me somehow. My artwork was removed from the walls. My art supplies were removed. Basically, as the rule was stated, all I could have in my room is writing utensils and clothes.
Unfortunately, this just makes me more manic and while I try to follow the rules, I wind up eventually working myself into a state where I just start breaking them in bold, attention seeking ways and then have usually wound up back in the hospital.
Last Thursday I was discharged from BHR (county mental health) with a suitcase and told that I was no longer allowed to come home. My parents and the people at the hospital seem to think that I'm well enough to take care of myself and that I can find resources out there to help me on my own. I can't live in a shelter. I've tried this before and it only makes things worse because I can't be in a room with all of these people without my paranoia and anxiety going over the roof. I don't really know who to even ask to stay with because I've been out of contact with all of my friends so long that I could only think of one person to ask, which I did before this last hospitalization happened, and I got the soft "I'll think about it" no answer.
So, basically, I've spent the last week walking around either not sleeping last night or trying my best to find a corner to fall asleep in and try to be warm enough since I can't even, at this point, leave things at my parents house and I don't have any blankets or room to carry them around with me anyways. I keep bouncing up into hyper mania and don't even have much of an explanation/accounting for this last week. I know that I've been latching on to anyone I can find out there who can at least guide me and can't manage my resources. In one week I managed to either have stolen from me or given away most of the few hundred dollars and quite a bit of my food card resources.
I know that no one is cut out for being homeless, but I'm just breaking to pieces.
I just don't know what I'm going to do...I have somewhere around 15 dollars left (though at least enough for food) and a next to zero chance of having my parents let me back in. It's getting colder and I just don't have any one to talk to or trust. I don't even get to have a therapist appointment next week.
Ugh.
I just don't know...I really don't.
Left to my own devices, I retreat into my bedroom for a week because it just gets to be too much to interact with other people. I'll basically only come out of my room when I know that other people aren't home and even then, I can barely stand it to spend too much time out of it so it's basically just quick trips to the bathroom or to grab something to eat which I usually have to bring back to my room because I can't stand being down in the kitchen, even when everyone else is sleeping.
My parents have had a really hard time dealing with my mania and their response, each time, is to start adding more restrictions and taking away the things that I use to occupy my time so that I can stay at least someone level. I had my computer removed, then added back but with no internet access which just makes things worse for me somehow. My artwork was removed from the walls. My art supplies were removed. Basically, as the rule was stated, all I could have in my room is writing utensils and clothes.
Unfortunately, this just makes me more manic and while I try to follow the rules, I wind up eventually working myself into a state where I just start breaking them in bold, attention seeking ways and then have usually wound up back in the hospital.
Last Thursday I was discharged from BHR (county mental health) with a suitcase and told that I was no longer allowed to come home. My parents and the people at the hospital seem to think that I'm well enough to take care of myself and that I can find resources out there to help me on my own. I can't live in a shelter. I've tried this before and it only makes things worse because I can't be in a room with all of these people without my paranoia and anxiety going over the roof. I don't really know who to even ask to stay with because I've been out of contact with all of my friends so long that I could only think of one person to ask, which I did before this last hospitalization happened, and I got the soft "I'll think about it" no answer.
So, basically, I've spent the last week walking around either not sleeping last night or trying my best to find a corner to fall asleep in and try to be warm enough since I can't even, at this point, leave things at my parents house and I don't have any blankets or room to carry them around with me anyways. I keep bouncing up into hyper mania and don't even have much of an explanation/accounting for this last week. I know that I've been latching on to anyone I can find out there who can at least guide me and can't manage my resources. In one week I managed to either have stolen from me or given away most of the few hundred dollars and quite a bit of my food card resources.
I know that no one is cut out for being homeless, but I'm just breaking to pieces.
I just don't know what I'm going to do...I have somewhere around 15 dollars left (though at least enough for food) and a next to zero chance of having my parents let me back in. It's getting colder and I just don't have any one to talk to or trust. I don't even get to have a therapist appointment next week.
Ugh.
I just don't know...I really don't.