breaking silence
It seems like the only thing that spurs me to write in here anymore is when shit is falling apart in Israel (or when my shit is falling apart in Israel). Its' been just about a year.
These last few days I've found myself bursting into tears spontaneously a couple of times. I went to take a shower after I first heard about the air-strikes, and just started crying uncontrollably, water washing over me. I felt like I was trying to scrub the guilt off of my skin, to cleanse myself of the evil that has been committed in my name. Today I talked to a friend of mine from Israel, the first time I have been in touch with an Israeli on the ground (I've talked to a couple of Palestinians). He told me that he won't get called up for reserve duty, but that our other friends might, and promised to keep me updated. It looks like a family member might be getting called up too. A rocket fell right next to a kibbutz where friends who are family live, reaching further than they ever have before. And when the reality of those things finally set in, an hour or two after I found out, I cried again, this time out of fear for people I love. I still haven't figured out how to reconcile these emotions, to square my guilt, my feeling of responsibility for what the Israeli government does with the terrible fear I have every time fighting breaks out. They don't even contradict each other, but they are both so overwhelming. Two and a half years ago, during the war in 2006, I wrote this, in reaction to a counselor of mine being killed: "I don't think I really understood what it meant when I expressed my utter disgust with violence and warfare until I felt its terrible effects. There is no such thing as right, there is no moral in this situation. There is only death, and suffering, and mourning. There is only wrong." It seems like a such a totalizing statement, such a simple emotion, an easy condemnation, but it is in fact the most complex and confusing thing that I am ever faced with.
So the problem for me is that no matter how awful the military is, no matter how discriminatory or corrupt the government is, none of this stuff will ever make me any less Israeli, will make that place any less my home. Over the last few weeks I've come to the conclusion that I am moving back there after graduation. I have always said "moving back" while talking about choosing to live in Israel again. And now, only days after I felt like I was coming to terms with my choice, a war breaks out. And even though it terrifies me, all I want to is to be there right now. My impulse in times like these is always to return. It probably sounds crazy, but this confirms for me what I already knew- that Israel is where I belong right now.
There is, and will continue to be, a lot of shitty coverage of this situation, jingoistic nationalistic rhetoric, a lot of ignorance and presumption, from people who blindly support both the Israeli government and the Palestinian leadership. I feel the need to speak up in times like these, even to my small circle of friends, because its important that there be other voices. So this is the situation that I see, that will for sure be underreported, this is my truth, my conflict: there are Israelis who are horrified and disgusted by the actions of their government. They are protesting in the streets of Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, and they are speaking out (I wish that I could join them there). There are Palestinians who are reaching out to Israeli peace activists, despite everything. There are choices, and there is another way, no matter what government officials may say. The time has come for Israel to step up, to take the responsibility of the actor with the military upper hand, and to choose peace.
For semi-decent reporting about the situation, read Haaretz (http://haaretz.com) and Al Jazeera (http://english.aljazeera.net/) in tandem. Whatever you do, don't rely on American media sources. And to hear about what the peace movement is up to, look at this page on the Israeli indymedia website: https://israel.indymedia.org/newswire/display/9995/index.php. They have some minimal reporting on the situation in general in English, and links to other alternative news sources.
These last few days I've found myself bursting into tears spontaneously a couple of times. I went to take a shower after I first heard about the air-strikes, and just started crying uncontrollably, water washing over me. I felt like I was trying to scrub the guilt off of my skin, to cleanse myself of the evil that has been committed in my name. Today I talked to a friend of mine from Israel, the first time I have been in touch with an Israeli on the ground (I've talked to a couple of Palestinians). He told me that he won't get called up for reserve duty, but that our other friends might, and promised to keep me updated. It looks like a family member might be getting called up too. A rocket fell right next to a kibbutz where friends who are family live, reaching further than they ever have before. And when the reality of those things finally set in, an hour or two after I found out, I cried again, this time out of fear for people I love. I still haven't figured out how to reconcile these emotions, to square my guilt, my feeling of responsibility for what the Israeli government does with the terrible fear I have every time fighting breaks out. They don't even contradict each other, but they are both so overwhelming. Two and a half years ago, during the war in 2006, I wrote this, in reaction to a counselor of mine being killed: "I don't think I really understood what it meant when I expressed my utter disgust with violence and warfare until I felt its terrible effects. There is no such thing as right, there is no moral in this situation. There is only death, and suffering, and mourning. There is only wrong." It seems like a such a totalizing statement, such a simple emotion, an easy condemnation, but it is in fact the most complex and confusing thing that I am ever faced with.
So the problem for me is that no matter how awful the military is, no matter how discriminatory or corrupt the government is, none of this stuff will ever make me any less Israeli, will make that place any less my home. Over the last few weeks I've come to the conclusion that I am moving back there after graduation. I have always said "moving back" while talking about choosing to live in Israel again. And now, only days after I felt like I was coming to terms with my choice, a war breaks out. And even though it terrifies me, all I want to is to be there right now. My impulse in times like these is always to return. It probably sounds crazy, but this confirms for me what I already knew- that Israel is where I belong right now.
There is, and will continue to be, a lot of shitty coverage of this situation, jingoistic nationalistic rhetoric, a lot of ignorance and presumption, from people who blindly support both the Israeli government and the Palestinian leadership. I feel the need to speak up in times like these, even to my small circle of friends, because its important that there be other voices. So this is the situation that I see, that will for sure be underreported, this is my truth, my conflict: there are Israelis who are horrified and disgusted by the actions of their government. They are protesting in the streets of Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, and they are speaking out (I wish that I could join them there). There are Palestinians who are reaching out to Israeli peace activists, despite everything. There are choices, and there is another way, no matter what government officials may say. The time has come for Israel to step up, to take the responsibility of the actor with the military upper hand, and to choose peace.
For semi-decent reporting about the situation, read Haaretz (http://haaretz.com) and Al Jazeera (http://english.aljazeera.net/) in tandem. Whatever you do, don't rely on American media sources. And to hear about what the peace movement is up to, look at this page on the Israeli indymedia website: https://israel.indymedia.org/newswire/display/9995/index.php. They have some minimal reporting on the situation in general in English, and links to other alternative news sources.