late-nite like old times
It is 1:30 in the morning, and I am sitting here in my bed with the iBook, Chris sleeping beside me. Today was so hot, and our apartment is only pseudo air-conditioned (a window unit in the living room, which doesn't cool down the bedroom, even if we weren't trying to conserve energy money by not running it). So even though we have a giant fan, it is sweltering hot, and I'm all sweaty and gross and can't fall asleep.
I was thinking this evening as I looked over my last few sporadic posts of all the giant events that have happened in the last few months of my life - becoming an aunt, losing my Mom, getting married, looking for a job, getting ready to move to Columbus...That is a lot of major things at once, and I've been trying to let myself feel the effects of them without letting stress control everything. But right now the stress is winning...If you read this thing, you would think my life to be a major drama. So I wanted to give you all an update on both the big and little things...
1. My neice Kennedy is growing and growing, and she's old enough now that she's smiling and having a little personality. I was in Columbus a few weeks ago for an interview, and I got to visit with her a little. It will be nice when we live in Columbus, so we will be able to spend more time being her aunt and uncle and watching her grow up. After she first came home from the hospital, Chris and I were visiting when my Dad called to tell me that Mom's Hepatitis test had come back positive. He told me to enjoy her, because babies were one the of the really good things about life...I don't know if it is connected in any way, but I think it is interesting that when Kennedy came into the world, my mom went out of it. I think I will always remember her as a little bit of joy in the sorrow.
2. I miss my mom terribly in little chunks. I really want to call her up and tell her about my job search, to talk about American Idol results, and to talk about Niagra Falls. I went home for Memorial Day and was so sad all weekend. Dad made the cauliflower salad that Mom always made, and we went to the cookouts, but she was missing in her usual spots. I kept having to escape to the bathroom to cry to myself. I felt out of place without her there. I don’t know why because I never really hung out with her much at family things. But it was like I didn’t know where to sit or who to talk to. I think it was the worse sadness and longing I had ever felt. Last week Dad emailed me the mock-up on Mom's headstone, and when I showed it to Chris, I just started crying. A headstone? It feels totally wrong.
At the wedding, I carried a locket with her picture, wrapped around the stems of my flowers. I picked a photo where she is young and vibrant, and dressed up for a New Years Eve dance, shortly after she married my Dad. She looks so beautiful -- I tried to think about her without feeling sad, and I managed really well until we got into the car after the ceremony, and then I let myself miss her a lot. At the end of the day as I was taking off my veil, I thought about how much she loved my dress and didn't get to see me in it, how she missed everything, how she won't be in any of my pictures, and Chris just hugged me as we stood there by the mirror, feeling sad. I thought about her at Niagra Falls, about how at some point in our lives we both stood there looking at it. I miss her...
3. Being married is a constant exercise in adjustment -- Chris and I have both had a lot of space to ourselves for awhile, and now we are sharing a space that feels incredibly small, while trying to compromise and get settled into a routine that works for us, as well as dealing with the stress of looking for jobs and trying out our new roles and a wife and a husband. So far I like things that are "ours" like our new IKEA coffeetable, having meals together, and knowing that every night we will both be together here in our house...I like being partners, and I can't wait to move into our new apartment and start everything fresh together.
I was thinking this evening as I looked over my last few sporadic posts of all the giant events that have happened in the last few months of my life - becoming an aunt, losing my Mom, getting married, looking for a job, getting ready to move to Columbus...That is a lot of major things at once, and I've been trying to let myself feel the effects of them without letting stress control everything. But right now the stress is winning...If you read this thing, you would think my life to be a major drama. So I wanted to give you all an update on both the big and little things...
1. My neice Kennedy is growing and growing, and she's old enough now that she's smiling and having a little personality. I was in Columbus a few weeks ago for an interview, and I got to visit with her a little. It will be nice when we live in Columbus, so we will be able to spend more time being her aunt and uncle and watching her grow up. After she first came home from the hospital, Chris and I were visiting when my Dad called to tell me that Mom's Hepatitis test had come back positive. He told me to enjoy her, because babies were one the of the really good things about life...I don't know if it is connected in any way, but I think it is interesting that when Kennedy came into the world, my mom went out of it. I think I will always remember her as a little bit of joy in the sorrow.
2. I miss my mom terribly in little chunks. I really want to call her up and tell her about my job search, to talk about American Idol results, and to talk about Niagra Falls. I went home for Memorial Day and was so sad all weekend. Dad made the cauliflower salad that Mom always made, and we went to the cookouts, but she was missing in her usual spots. I kept having to escape to the bathroom to cry to myself. I felt out of place without her there. I don’t know why because I never really hung out with her much at family things. But it was like I didn’t know where to sit or who to talk to. I think it was the worse sadness and longing I had ever felt. Last week Dad emailed me the mock-up on Mom's headstone, and when I showed it to Chris, I just started crying. A headstone? It feels totally wrong.
At the wedding, I carried a locket with her picture, wrapped around the stems of my flowers. I picked a photo where she is young and vibrant, and dressed up for a New Years Eve dance, shortly after she married my Dad. She looks so beautiful -- I tried to think about her without feeling sad, and I managed really well until we got into the car after the ceremony, and then I let myself miss her a lot. At the end of the day as I was taking off my veil, I thought about how much she loved my dress and didn't get to see me in it, how she missed everything, how she won't be in any of my pictures, and Chris just hugged me as we stood there by the mirror, feeling sad. I thought about her at Niagra Falls, about how at some point in our lives we both stood there looking at it. I miss her...
3. Being married is a constant exercise in adjustment -- Chris and I have both had a lot of space to ourselves for awhile, and now we are sharing a space that feels incredibly small, while trying to compromise and get settled into a routine that works for us, as well as dealing with the stress of looking for jobs and trying out our new roles and a wife and a husband. So far I like things that are "ours" like our new IKEA coffeetable, having meals together, and knowing that every night we will both be together here in our house...I like being partners, and I can't wait to move into our new apartment and start everything fresh together.