(no subject)

Feb 23, 2006 22:19

Now to get away from the anger and the weirdness and the politik. You've sat through thousands of words of meandering adolescent crap about relationships and drugs and love and music. Let's get back to the real world, solid and certain facts.
Despite the fear and the guilt and everything, Eve and I are still stupidly, incredibly and scarily happy. Even our rough patches are just because we need eachother too much and can't pull ourselves away from eachother. It's a weird way to conduct a relationship, on this constant and incessant upward gradient, but it makes us happy so I suppose it works. There's everything in it:- not only are we incredibly close and attached to one another in the usual boyfriend-girlfriend way, but we're also damn good friends. We just happen to have incredible sex and feel comfortable with Eve sitting on my leg or hugging my chest close to her cheek. There's a dependance growing there, and that's going to freak me out for a while longer, but largely I've accepted all the weirdnesses that come with having a "long-term relationship". Except that weirdness. I can't use that phrase without implying some sort of self-deprecating British irony, even though I know that is exactly what I'm in. It's hard to see sometimes how I've gone from being the free and single miniature-womaniser I was before to this responsible, attached, dependent creature I am now. And now other people are growing some perverse emotional dependence on the idea of Chris'n'Eve - we've been told repeatedly that we simply can't ever break up because we just ARE together. We've become like the golden couple, this relationship with its lack of turbulence and its incredible emotional significance. Of course, this isn't something we have to worry about or even consider now, but people tend to jump to unsavoury conclusions when there's that little bitter-sweet dose of dependence that makes us confused and scared.
What else? Oh, yes, I've accepted my main character flaw and I'm trying to do something to fix it. My problem is that my morality goes right out the window when it comes to people who I feel no affection or connection to. Take, for example, the source of my fatal downfall - teachers. I have absolutely no qualms about constructing completely watertight stories when it comes to teachers simply because I don't care about them. It started off small - the occasional essay I'd forgotten to do I would convince the teacher I had handed it in and they'd simply lost it through no fault of my own. But as I became more jaded about the school system (as happens every single year), and the work became increasingly tedious, I'd rather expend time and effort I could be spending working on making new and increasingly believable stories to avoid working. Of course, none of you, or pretty much anyone who reads this, will have to worry at all about my honesty because I will never lie to anyone who I think has potential to be a friend or acquaintance, but when someone is treating me in a way I do not appreciate I will have my own quiet rebellion and it will slowly undermine both the person I'm lying to and my own reputation. Absolutely a lose-lose situation. Having accepted that this is the case, and that it needs to be fixed, I hope ardently that I will be able to fix it because it's a morally and personally abhorrent thing to do. And good god, honesty feels damn fine when I can use it.
My slightly larger brother has discovered this blog too (what do I need to do to escape the bastard?), I'm going to make all my journals Friends Only from now on. Sorry about that, guys, but it's how it's gotta be. So, comment to be added and we'll all have a big mutual love-add-fest.

BASTARDS ONLY
comment and I'll make you a bastard
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