Just Whining. Disregard this post.
Well, my life is kind of shitty right now! I mean, I know no one is probably gonna read this (unless it's you, Kathleen <3 ), but still, at the same time, I need to get it off my chest.
For the last month, I've been talking to this girl I met online. When I first met her, I realized that she was the kind of person who would share everything with me, but at the same time, she sucked every ounce of energy and happiness I had. Which actually wasn't much at all to start with, so that's not good.
She fell randomly, deeply in love with me, but I didn't feel the same way. So I told her before it got too far that I didn't think that things would work out between the two of us and that we should just stay friends. However, she didn't like this thought very much at all, and threatened to kill herself.
I had to leave, after making her promise that she would do no such thing. I felt so terribly guilty, and when she came back to me the next day we both felt awful, so I decided that we could give things another chance.
We talked a lot. Last Friday, she drove two hours to get here and take me on date. It was wonderful at the time. But while we were sitting in her car for, like, five hours, she kept trying to get to second base with me, which was really weird. She complained that I was teasing her, and she told me that it took her everything she had to not go any further. But she wouldn't let me leave the car, and it took close to an hour of convincing and getting my wits up before I finally told her that I absolutely must go! I left, feeling a little odd.
This morning, Sunday the sixth, we got in a fight, because she has been truly honest with me the whole time. She told me whatever was on her mind and a lot about her past. She told me that she couldn't deal with me being so withheld, even though we've only known each other for a very short time. I told her that there are some things I can't just say right away. It takes me a while to trust people like that. We got into a fight about it, and both felt shitty for the rest of the day.
Just tonight, she asked if she could call me. I talked with my friend Iustin first, and he assured me that nothing good would come from this relationship and that I ought to break it off before either of us gets more hurt than we already are. Armed with conviction, I called her. I said those things at first, but then the both of us just started sobbing, because she was sad, and I was guilty.
After a while, she stopped talking. We were both just crying. I asked her if she was alright, but she wouldn't answer. "What are you doing?" No answer. "Are you doing something bad?" No answer. "Answer me." No answer. After several minutes of tear-filled begging she finally told me that she had been cutting. Oh, God, I sobbed like I've never sobbed before.
She said she wanted the hurt to go away. Forever. I told her she'd better not try to kill herself. Once again, no answer. She was absolutely terrifying me. Many more minutes of screaming and blubbering into the phone finally ended with "If you kill yourself, I'll kill myself!" And then she answered. She was determined to do it, but I was determined to keep her from doing it, even if it meant guilting her out of it.
Eventually we came to an understanding that neither of us would kill ourselves for the night. I took a walk with Iustin and sorted things out, and when we came back to the building, he was kind enough to help me, with Sarah's support, bring this thing to an end. He didn't let me touch the computer to say "I'll give us another chance." He typed for me, and said the best things he could. He kinda saved my ass.
Now I hope things will be better. We're still gonna be friends, but she asserts that she will always have feelings for me and that I am the only one for her. She says in the coming months that if we feel good about things, we might move to the next step. I'm not so confident about that.
That's what's been going on in my love-life front. Seriously, my life, what the fuck?
But additionally! My mother has recently lost her job! Oh dear, who will pay the mortgage, help me with my college expenses? I helped her clean out her office today. Found lipstick and crackers in the garbage and took 'em. Also took a sweet binder that says "Nuisance Bear Guide" on it.
"Hey mom! Do you have a nuisance bear? Because if so, I have a guide for it!"
I'm behind on my homework because the weekend has been shit, and I hate my life. C: