exposure
I haven't written here in a long time. After Tumblr viciously stole my heart, I never felt the need to. Well, not until tonight. I realize that LJ is still my safeplace. It is where I have unapologetically spilled my heart out to a nameless faceless public without fear or reservation. I still tiptoe around Tumblr a lot. Mostly because the audience is wider. More varied. And scarily enough, more vocal. And heart spilling there is not romantic or passionate. It's a trend.
So today, I'm afraid, is the day I begin my adulterous relationship with LJ. Which isn't right, really, because I began (and will probably end) with LJ. But the adulterous affair, when taken into this context, really isn't so bad. The adulterous affair, after all, is fiery and passionate and messy and exciting. And if I had to take the contents of my heart and lay it out there, truth blood and guts, it would be here. Always.
So here goes.
Tonight, I fell into an emotional void. I've been telling people that I've reconnected with God in a way I never had before and it's true. Let it be said: I am at peace with Jesus. I am enough and I have enough. But I still don't get how we're wired as humans. Because no matter how complete we are, a part of us still falls into those quiet dark places. Like loneliness. Like fear. Like heartbreak. And I don't get it. I've been trying to. Because if God is enough, and I mean, if He is REALLY enough, then why do we still go through the motions?
But I guess I've been discovering lately that all of the emotional drama is actually emotional trauma. Because there was once a disconnect from God, we are never whole. We will never be whole until we're reunited with God in that place He has prepared for us. God will always need to fix us. So the void is a purposeful one. You can practically call it ordained.
I was reviewing the Adam and Eve story awhile ago and I don't think Adam ever knew he was lonely but it was God Himself who noticed it. So God filled Adam with a land of fruits and animals. And it still wasn't enough. So God made Eve. I think Adam was okay. I think he had everything. But it was God who noticed something lacking. And He gave Eve, not because He Himself was not enough, but because He knows Eve will fill Adam in a way that will physically manifest God's love in a more powerful way.
So Eve's purpose was love. God saw the void even when Adam didn't so He filled it the best way He knew how: with love.
And it's making me understand myself more. Because even though I am at a point where I honestly feel God is enough, a part of me still feels that void. And I know the void exists partly because I need more of God but it also exists because there's a tiny part of my heart that is lonely. It is really hard to lie here on LJ haha.
And maybe this is really what life is like after a breakup. You're never quite yourself. A small fraction of you goes missing. It dies during the separation and you never get it back. Taylor Swift (hahaha) said that the hardest part of the breakup is accepting that the person is not the one for you. But I think there are harder parts. Like, no matter how much I love/loved him, it hurts to know that I'm still not the girl for him. I am not enough. But even worse is the fact that we will never be the same. We might never recover and we have to be okay with that. We will never completely be friends again. Never share pictures. Never watch movies. Never talk on the phone. We created a disconnect between each other and I am complete in God, I swear I am, but knowing that disconnect exists makes me sad. And a bit lonely. I miss my friend.
Breakups suck, people. I highly recommend against them.
I mean, I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm such a different person compared to who I was in March. But, damn. The cost? Very expensive. Very painful. Very humbling.
I've been learning a lot of different ironies. To be complete in God yet to have a void. To love and not be enough. That God's love humbles me yet builds me up. That letting go is the highest form of love. It's crazy. Life's crazy.
And no matter what I'm learning, the thing is that there's always more. Tonight has been strange for me. I've been visiting emotions and memories and as sad as I feel, a part of me is also light. Free. That's another irony for you.
So today, I'm afraid, is the day I begin my adulterous relationship with LJ. Which isn't right, really, because I began (and will probably end) with LJ. But the adulterous affair, when taken into this context, really isn't so bad. The adulterous affair, after all, is fiery and passionate and messy and exciting. And if I had to take the contents of my heart and lay it out there, truth blood and guts, it would be here. Always.
So here goes.
Tonight, I fell into an emotional void. I've been telling people that I've reconnected with God in a way I never had before and it's true. Let it be said: I am at peace with Jesus. I am enough and I have enough. But I still don't get how we're wired as humans. Because no matter how complete we are, a part of us still falls into those quiet dark places. Like loneliness. Like fear. Like heartbreak. And I don't get it. I've been trying to. Because if God is enough, and I mean, if He is REALLY enough, then why do we still go through the motions?
But I guess I've been discovering lately that all of the emotional drama is actually emotional trauma. Because there was once a disconnect from God, we are never whole. We will never be whole until we're reunited with God in that place He has prepared for us. God will always need to fix us. So the void is a purposeful one. You can practically call it ordained.
I was reviewing the Adam and Eve story awhile ago and I don't think Adam ever knew he was lonely but it was God Himself who noticed it. So God filled Adam with a land of fruits and animals. And it still wasn't enough. So God made Eve. I think Adam was okay. I think he had everything. But it was God who noticed something lacking. And He gave Eve, not because He Himself was not enough, but because He knows Eve will fill Adam in a way that will physically manifest God's love in a more powerful way.
So Eve's purpose was love. God saw the void even when Adam didn't so He filled it the best way He knew how: with love.
And it's making me understand myself more. Because even though I am at a point where I honestly feel God is enough, a part of me still feels that void. And I know the void exists partly because I need more of God but it also exists because there's a tiny part of my heart that is lonely. It is really hard to lie here on LJ haha.
And maybe this is really what life is like after a breakup. You're never quite yourself. A small fraction of you goes missing. It dies during the separation and you never get it back. Taylor Swift (hahaha) said that the hardest part of the breakup is accepting that the person is not the one for you. But I think there are harder parts. Like, no matter how much I love/loved him, it hurts to know that I'm still not the girl for him. I am not enough. But even worse is the fact that we will never be the same. We might never recover and we have to be okay with that. We will never completely be friends again. Never share pictures. Never watch movies. Never talk on the phone. We created a disconnect between each other and I am complete in God, I swear I am, but knowing that disconnect exists makes me sad. And a bit lonely. I miss my friend.
Breakups suck, people. I highly recommend against them.
I mean, I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm such a different person compared to who I was in March. But, damn. The cost? Very expensive. Very painful. Very humbling.
I've been learning a lot of different ironies. To be complete in God yet to have a void. To love and not be enough. That God's love humbles me yet builds me up. That letting go is the highest form of love. It's crazy. Life's crazy.
And no matter what I'm learning, the thing is that there's always more. Tonight has been strange for me. I've been visiting emotions and memories and as sad as I feel, a part of me is also light. Free. That's another irony for you.