What must I do to live?
I'm tired of trying to control my life and I'm tired of not having any control over it at all. I've gone back into this mode again where I have this need to find the meaning of life and become fulfilled of whatever again. Why can't I just do what I want to do and enjoy it? Why do I always have to stop myself and tell myself that I was meant for some greater purpose? It seems really conceited now that I type it out, but for some reason I can't shake the notion. I'm afraid that if I just enjoy my life and not try to find out what it's all about that i'll somehow be missing out on something. Truth is that by spending all my time trying to find the deeper meaning in it all I'm really missing out on more than I can imagine. I know this, but for some reason it doesn't matter. This is really ungodly frustrating. I think it all has to do with my depression. While I was in the severe stages of my depression, I lost my ability to do alot of things I had once loved to do. I rationalized my loss of abiltity by telling myself that I was meant for a greater purpose. Now I find myself far behind my peers in many aspects after that huge chunk of my life was destroyed, and I am still trying to rationalize why it all happened. I guess I want to believe that I am something special. It just doesn't make any sense to me why my depression happened. I mean, it neary killed me on three occasions. The fact that it was brought on by entirely physical means really bothers me. There was nothing in my life that caused it. It was caused by nothing more than my own brain, which does not fuction quite as it should. Remember that movie Phenomenon? When he gets the brain tumor that makes him a genius? I guess deep down inside I wish something like that would happen to me. The truth is is that no good nor any purpose has come out of that dark stage in my life, and in my attempt to find meaning to it, I am missing out on my current life, and for some reason I can't stop. Does God expect us to make sense of it all? Are we supposed to understand his plan perfectly? Why won't he tell us what we are supposed to do? Why are we so misguided? Where are we going? Does any of this really matter at all? Do we all just die in the end and it all turns out to be meaningless? I only wish I knew.