Meditation On Love And Life
What does love really mean to you? Is it a word with feeling behind it? Is it an emotion that feeds your soul? Is it just a passing fancy, something to dabble in but something you can just as easily cast aside when you feel the need to break free?
I've often contemplated this, especially of late and haven't really come to any sort of answer that I'd choose for myself. All I know is the truth of my own life, the real down and dirty aspects that we can so easily deny ourselves and justify through what we hope ends up being more than just a smattering of BS and reasoning.
The cold hard fact, one that I have for so long feared is true and always felt could be just a misunderstood concept is: that everyone changes, feelings change, people and how they relate change. It's so very obvious, isn't it? Yet, I never really understood it or believed it. I have always had a very idealized, romanticized view of love and of people in love. I've never been able to understand how someone can meet another, fall in love in a day, go out a week and breakup a week later and then move right along. That sort of life seemed foreign to me.
Part of it has to do with me: When I fall in love, I fall in love hard and fully. I drown in it, and get in so deep that it becomes nearly impossible to just be able to move right along if and when things do end. I've struggled with these feelings, my feelings for such a long time that I feel as if I'm wandering through some sort of desert and have no real hope of ever getting out. For you see, to me, love has always been the purest thing in the world, the one thing that can make everything else okay even if times get tough.
I've had only two real relationships in my life, one early in high school and one later on and when each ended, I was in some sort of shock, placed in a position I couldn't believe or fathom: How could love have let me down? How could both the people I had been with gradually or suddenly changed while I hadn't? Was that the problem, that I hadn't changed? In both cases, I'm not sure if I recovered or if somehow, I eventually did change, or am still changing. That sort of shakes you to the core, the moment when everything you believed in, left unquestioned suddenly goes away and you're in a free fall. My problem is and has always been, I was in so deep, I couldn't just shrug and soldier on, I had to climb out on my own because I had become so attached, so needy in a way, and now I was like a junkie suddenly forced to go cold turkey. Days and nights stretch on excruciatingly slowly, and each passing face seems to be pitying you or happily in a relationship of their own, which in a weird way twists the knife deeper.
Of late, I've had 5 friends end long term relationships and one begin one. All of those who ended theirs seemed to have similar reasons: that things had changed, that they no longer felt they could be with that person, that they wanted to explore what else is out there or at least be free to do as they pleased. All of it seemed to happen suddenly, which is what really piqued my curiosity.
I guess I'm sort of a old school in that nature, I always thought you'd have one true love and that things would always be great, the love would flourish and sure, you'd need to replenish the well now and again, you'd always be able to count on that love. Yet, in each case, all of my friends thought they'd found that one special person and then, it wasn't. It really makes me go back on everything I thought: Is there such a thing as a soulmate, one person you're forever destined to be with? Is it really possible to find love when you're only at the beginning of adulthood relatively speaking? Is my generation the generation that has a distinctly different view on love and relationships altogether?
In many ways, I do feel like I fell out of time. I still believe in courting a person and in getting to know them, really, truly know them before really becoming intimate. Thing is, with me, at least, I always feel like there's so much that I want to express and discover that it becomes overwhelming. I feel this need, this desire to make every single day and every single moment spectacular, full of adventure, of laughter and of life when it's not really possible, especially for someone still in college without some high paying job who can perhaps afford that. This thought then leads me to sort of shut down the emotional outreach aspect and I sort of just drift along like some sort of monk, trying to avoid at all costs any sort of glance or look from another person for fear that I may be placing myself in a position where I have come to grips with my unrealistic expectations.
That's what is so funny, because in the end, I like everyone other person in this world, need others, and only truly feel fulfilled and whole when I'm in the company of others, of people I can laugh with, cry with, experience life with. Yet, I feel as if I can no longer be the person I want to be, as far as relationships go, I feel like I'd jump in too deeply and once again be placed in the possible situation of having it end and be trapped once again. This fear leads to instead recoil and pull away, which I don't want to do but is one of my defense mechanisms. I suppose I just have to make peace with that fact that when I feel love, and for me, it's all or nothing unfortunately, I either feel this overwhelming desire to be with that person, or don't, I will inevitably go all in and have to just leave it all up to chance and to the powers that be. In a way, I sort of wonder if perhaps I'm missing part of the game as so many people seem to be able to have their cake and eat it to: have a relationship and still be flirty and in some cases, untrue and it never effects them. Maybe I'm too broad, too much of an easy read in that regard because I become so consumed by that one person that everyone else melts away, which is what I figure the other person wants and feels, but isn't always the case. That fact too is one I have to come to understand better.
I suppose that's the only real guarantee when it comes to love and relationships: that there will always be new lessons and experiences, and that everything can and often, especially at my age, does change. It's a fact I have to better prepare for, though I think it may be a while before I truly feel able to fully commit to another person and not have the lingering fears and doubts but instead embrace them and look to beat the odds by doing what I can as best I can. Still, one never knows? Maybe tomorrow I'll meet that special person, or maybe, I have already and things just haven't found there way yet. Ah, life.
Take care all.
Adieu,
Devin.
I've often contemplated this, especially of late and haven't really come to any sort of answer that I'd choose for myself. All I know is the truth of my own life, the real down and dirty aspects that we can so easily deny ourselves and justify through what we hope ends up being more than just a smattering of BS and reasoning.
The cold hard fact, one that I have for so long feared is true and always felt could be just a misunderstood concept is: that everyone changes, feelings change, people and how they relate change. It's so very obvious, isn't it? Yet, I never really understood it or believed it. I have always had a very idealized, romanticized view of love and of people in love. I've never been able to understand how someone can meet another, fall in love in a day, go out a week and breakup a week later and then move right along. That sort of life seemed foreign to me.
Part of it has to do with me: When I fall in love, I fall in love hard and fully. I drown in it, and get in so deep that it becomes nearly impossible to just be able to move right along if and when things do end. I've struggled with these feelings, my feelings for such a long time that I feel as if I'm wandering through some sort of desert and have no real hope of ever getting out. For you see, to me, love has always been the purest thing in the world, the one thing that can make everything else okay even if times get tough.
I've had only two real relationships in my life, one early in high school and one later on and when each ended, I was in some sort of shock, placed in a position I couldn't believe or fathom: How could love have let me down? How could both the people I had been with gradually or suddenly changed while I hadn't? Was that the problem, that I hadn't changed? In both cases, I'm not sure if I recovered or if somehow, I eventually did change, or am still changing. That sort of shakes you to the core, the moment when everything you believed in, left unquestioned suddenly goes away and you're in a free fall. My problem is and has always been, I was in so deep, I couldn't just shrug and soldier on, I had to climb out on my own because I had become so attached, so needy in a way, and now I was like a junkie suddenly forced to go cold turkey. Days and nights stretch on excruciatingly slowly, and each passing face seems to be pitying you or happily in a relationship of their own, which in a weird way twists the knife deeper.
Of late, I've had 5 friends end long term relationships and one begin one. All of those who ended theirs seemed to have similar reasons: that things had changed, that they no longer felt they could be with that person, that they wanted to explore what else is out there or at least be free to do as they pleased. All of it seemed to happen suddenly, which is what really piqued my curiosity.
I guess I'm sort of a old school in that nature, I always thought you'd have one true love and that things would always be great, the love would flourish and sure, you'd need to replenish the well now and again, you'd always be able to count on that love. Yet, in each case, all of my friends thought they'd found that one special person and then, it wasn't. It really makes me go back on everything I thought: Is there such a thing as a soulmate, one person you're forever destined to be with? Is it really possible to find love when you're only at the beginning of adulthood relatively speaking? Is my generation the generation that has a distinctly different view on love and relationships altogether?
In many ways, I do feel like I fell out of time. I still believe in courting a person and in getting to know them, really, truly know them before really becoming intimate. Thing is, with me, at least, I always feel like there's so much that I want to express and discover that it becomes overwhelming. I feel this need, this desire to make every single day and every single moment spectacular, full of adventure, of laughter and of life when it's not really possible, especially for someone still in college without some high paying job who can perhaps afford that. This thought then leads me to sort of shut down the emotional outreach aspect and I sort of just drift along like some sort of monk, trying to avoid at all costs any sort of glance or look from another person for fear that I may be placing myself in a position where I have come to grips with my unrealistic expectations.
That's what is so funny, because in the end, I like everyone other person in this world, need others, and only truly feel fulfilled and whole when I'm in the company of others, of people I can laugh with, cry with, experience life with. Yet, I feel as if I can no longer be the person I want to be, as far as relationships go, I feel like I'd jump in too deeply and once again be placed in the possible situation of having it end and be trapped once again. This fear leads to instead recoil and pull away, which I don't want to do but is one of my defense mechanisms. I suppose I just have to make peace with that fact that when I feel love, and for me, it's all or nothing unfortunately, I either feel this overwhelming desire to be with that person, or don't, I will inevitably go all in and have to just leave it all up to chance and to the powers that be. In a way, I sort of wonder if perhaps I'm missing part of the game as so many people seem to be able to have their cake and eat it to: have a relationship and still be flirty and in some cases, untrue and it never effects them. Maybe I'm too broad, too much of an easy read in that regard because I become so consumed by that one person that everyone else melts away, which is what I figure the other person wants and feels, but isn't always the case. That fact too is one I have to come to understand better.
I suppose that's the only real guarantee when it comes to love and relationships: that there will always be new lessons and experiences, and that everything can and often, especially at my age, does change. It's a fact I have to better prepare for, though I think it may be a while before I truly feel able to fully commit to another person and not have the lingering fears and doubts but instead embrace them and look to beat the odds by doing what I can as best I can. Still, one never knows? Maybe tomorrow I'll meet that special person, or maybe, I have already and things just haven't found there way yet. Ah, life.
Take care all.
Adieu,
Devin.