Is this what "Growing up" feels like?
I have some terrible things I need to share with people... and here's the big cosmic joke, I have nobody that wil listen to me! I have to find some magical miracle way of passing my exams in college or I'm out for good. Because I made a single wrong decision, chose the wrong course, my life is fucked for good. Meanwhile there are people all around me getting qualifications for things and people I knew as 4th years having done postgrads...
I can't take this! I Have nobody to talk to. Nobody that will really listen. This is despair. Why do I have to be tortured like this? Sure some people have it worse than me, but plenty of people also have it BETTER than me. I've been through enough shit. I DESERVE a damn break. Yeah, I'm a drama queen, but I have serious issues I'm MEANT to be seeing a shrink about but thanks to how long all this rubbish takes I've been waiting since this time last year to get everything sorted.
I have hardly any friends, and it's impossible to make new friends. NOBODY wants to be near me, make time for me. I'm just icky, I'm just creepy, I'm just stupid, I'm just there to be used(fuck you Danny).
Thing is, I'm not that much work. The few people that are reading this probably think I'm too bitchy or unstable to go near. I respond so well to even the smallest amounts of nice treatment; but I get so little of it. If I had a really good friend, I might not even need to "whine" like this.
Gods, all I wanted was a nice group of friends, (and maybe a girlfriend/boyfriend at some point, even just to see what love is LIKE), and a college degree; I could have worked the rest out from there. I don't care about earning wads of cash. I just need to have enough to entertain myself and save up for something I need to make me feel less ill.
But I didn't get those. What do I have to be thankful for? Quite a bit I suppose... but I'm still not happy, and there's no damn good reason why I shouldn't be, even though I can think of a lot of really shitty ones. So I'm not sure I'm so thankful. Of course I could be worse off. And that only makes me feel worse to think of the kind of miserable existences some people have. I hate that and want to change it.
I don't feel like my parents are from the same planet as me. I just got my hair I've kept long for ages cut short - yay! It took a lot of confidence and courage to do. Nice and cute; just to about my jawline. I decided that I didn't have to have long hair to be pretty and short hair might suit me better and cost less to keep dyed. And I loved it. Short hair was damn sexy to have. But of course, my Dad wasn't too happy about my hair, not that he was happy about my hair before, either and made sure to make it known. "What have you done to yourself?" He's never pleased by anything. Always so stressed.
What the hell can I do? Where am I meant to get a decent job my broken self can manage with nothing but 420 points on my leaving cert and 6 months Work experience in the IT department in Dell?
I feel so damn stupid. Why does the world think it's alright to fuck with people like this? Stupid capitalism, stupid capitalist education system. It makes me feel so stupid and lazy when I know I'm smart and ill. People getting massive points, getting their degree, doing their postgrad... I got 420 points in my leaving cert and was too retarded to get anything more. Woo.
I was always smart. Yet people who might not be as smart as me are being asserted that they're much more capable than me. I can't stand living under this horrible system. I wish my Dad wasn't retiring so soon so he could pay for college, or that I wasn't so sick, and maybe a bit smarter and better with things so I could work my way through it.
The only place that interests me in Ireland is Cork - it's the only City that doesn't make me miserable. I so want to live there, but I don't know if I can get a job there. Maybe I'll end up trying to find a 3 year arts degree down in UCC. I'd quite like that. But then I have to find a part time job, which is probably even harder. I don't want to have to move country, not yet. I have a few friends down in Cork, I have no idea what to expect if I move to England.
Whatever. Hardly anyone reads this and most of the people I really want to relate to certainly don't.
Merry fucking Christmas.
I can't take this! I Have nobody to talk to. Nobody that will really listen. This is despair. Why do I have to be tortured like this? Sure some people have it worse than me, but plenty of people also have it BETTER than me. I've been through enough shit. I DESERVE a damn break. Yeah, I'm a drama queen, but I have serious issues I'm MEANT to be seeing a shrink about but thanks to how long all this rubbish takes I've been waiting since this time last year to get everything sorted.
I have hardly any friends, and it's impossible to make new friends. NOBODY wants to be near me, make time for me. I'm just icky, I'm just creepy, I'm just stupid, I'm just there to be used(fuck you Danny).
Thing is, I'm not that much work. The few people that are reading this probably think I'm too bitchy or unstable to go near. I respond so well to even the smallest amounts of nice treatment; but I get so little of it. If I had a really good friend, I might not even need to "whine" like this.
Gods, all I wanted was a nice group of friends, (and maybe a girlfriend/boyfriend at some point, even just to see what love is LIKE), and a college degree; I could have worked the rest out from there. I don't care about earning wads of cash. I just need to have enough to entertain myself and save up for something I need to make me feel less ill.
But I didn't get those. What do I have to be thankful for? Quite a bit I suppose... but I'm still not happy, and there's no damn good reason why I shouldn't be, even though I can think of a lot of really shitty ones. So I'm not sure I'm so thankful. Of course I could be worse off. And that only makes me feel worse to think of the kind of miserable existences some people have. I hate that and want to change it.
I don't feel like my parents are from the same planet as me. I just got my hair I've kept long for ages cut short - yay! It took a lot of confidence and courage to do. Nice and cute; just to about my jawline. I decided that I didn't have to have long hair to be pretty and short hair might suit me better and cost less to keep dyed. And I loved it. Short hair was damn sexy to have. But of course, my Dad wasn't too happy about my hair, not that he was happy about my hair before, either and made sure to make it known. "What have you done to yourself?" He's never pleased by anything. Always so stressed.
What the hell can I do? Where am I meant to get a decent job my broken self can manage with nothing but 420 points on my leaving cert and 6 months Work experience in the IT department in Dell?
I feel so damn stupid. Why does the world think it's alright to fuck with people like this? Stupid capitalism, stupid capitalist education system. It makes me feel so stupid and lazy when I know I'm smart and ill. People getting massive points, getting their degree, doing their postgrad... I got 420 points in my leaving cert and was too retarded to get anything more. Woo.
I was always smart. Yet people who might not be as smart as me are being asserted that they're much more capable than me. I can't stand living under this horrible system. I wish my Dad wasn't retiring so soon so he could pay for college, or that I wasn't so sick, and maybe a bit smarter and better with things so I could work my way through it.
The only place that interests me in Ireland is Cork - it's the only City that doesn't make me miserable. I so want to live there, but I don't know if I can get a job there. Maybe I'll end up trying to find a 3 year arts degree down in UCC. I'd quite like that. But then I have to find a part time job, which is probably even harder. I don't want to have to move country, not yet. I have a few friends down in Cork, I have no idea what to expect if I move to England.
Whatever. Hardly anyone reads this and most of the people I really want to relate to certainly don't.
Merry fucking Christmas.