darker parts and the light
SO for the past few weeks I have been allowing myself to dwell in my darker parts. I should say Myself because I promise there is more dark then light, so it would be more appropriate for me to term it as cease in my struggle to stay in the light. I released myself back into the dark. This means in the real world, Passive agressive behavior, breaks of rage, insults on people unable to defend themselves or around other people who don't particularly care and are more shcked at my vehements. I do this, anyone who has been around me more then a month can atest. and I frequently don't even mean half what I say. Most of it is code thing I can't or refuse to deal with. Haveing been alive long enough to recognize this pattern one would thing I would have found a way to have changed it by now, one would be disapointed. and so I am, which doesn't help because not only am I disgusted by my own behavior and exists in pools of hate and guilt but I am then bringing out the whip to flogg myself for not haveing grown more.
If I were reading all this from another person I cared about I would write to them; Don't have emotions about your emotions tha only confuses the process, rather then layering on more emotions, start stripping down to what has made you dark to begin with.
Fair enough but even as I write this I don't wat to do it. I am afraid, s I have always been of hat I will find, and I realize that I am not afriad to find that I am worse then I imagine or that I am better but afraid that I will have to recogniz that I am at all. Because if I AM, as the saying goes, then I have not done enough. Liveing in the dillusion that I am realy only being half a person gives me the perfect excuse to only do half of what I am capable, but if that half fails then I have the knowledge that it's ok because I realy AM NOT so I can't be heald accountable.
None of this is new, none of it is unknown to me, so what the hell do I do now?
If I were reading all this from another person I cared about I would write to them; Don't have emotions about your emotions tha only confuses the process, rather then layering on more emotions, start stripping down to what has made you dark to begin with.
Fair enough but even as I write this I don't wat to do it. I am afraid, s I have always been of hat I will find, and I realize that I am not afriad to find that I am worse then I imagine or that I am better but afraid that I will have to recogniz that I am at all. Because if I AM, as the saying goes, then I have not done enough. Liveing in the dillusion that I am realy only being half a person gives me the perfect excuse to only do half of what I am capable, but if that half fails then I have the knowledge that it's ok because I realy AM NOT so I can't be heald accountable.
None of this is new, none of it is unknown to me, so what the hell do I do now?